"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way."
Then why do you talk to me?
This is one of those questions which, I with all my sagacity and ability to manipulate thoughts and words, have not been able to satisfactorily answer. Today, it is a mania with me to at least analyze why this question exists. Before I started writing this (at home, all feverish) I did some research. I recalled all people who asked me that question. I went to my journals and I made all the connections. Over the past four years, twenty seven (27) people have asked me that question. And I assure that this question is asked by the members of the fairer sex, more often that it rains in equatorial forests.
The first time I was asked this question, I almost missed it. A former school mate of mine, from way back, class seventh. She was in IIT-Bombay then. Over a chat, one day, she asked me "why do you talk to me?". It turned out to be a googly. I could not read the spin at all. Gosh. Two months later, she stopped replying to my mails and inspite of my super spectacular networking and ability to sniff the presence of any thing on the www, I was unable to find out anything about her for a year. Till now. I sniffed success sometime back. I gather that she is married and pursuing an MS in Transportation Engineering. A call later, she refuses to talk to me or mail me. I ask her "why?". No answers.
Blind cold fury. That is what I would like to call it. All she says is that there is nothing to talk about. Voila. As if she is having an unbelievably intense intellectually stimulating conversation with other humans in her contact. So I say "Chalo koi nahin".
Since that day, numerous friendships have ended this way. It had nothing to do with the medium of communication. Face to face or even mails-messenger kind of friendships have inevitably posed this mother of all questions. Terminated.
A wonderfully warm, intellectual, nerve tingling relationship comes to an end, just because I can't answer "why".
The thing is not limited to medium of communication, age, genre and even sex. Last year, a friend, a soul mate, I spent four years of Kanpur education with, asked me this question. And he went away too. No mails replied. No forwarding address. Nothing. Point Blank. Zilch. Amazing. Isn't it. It's like this one EUREKA moment and they have to fly away.
So why am I writing this now. Last week teo people from two different times, two different backgrounds asked me this question and I nearly tore half my hair with each hand. Feverish-yes. Overworked-yes. Short of breath-yes. Crazy question-yes, yes, yes.
All I wonder at is, "Is this the magic question that opens some door to land of something wonderful?". So I did something random. There is this person who contacted me on yahoo messenger because she reads my blog and after a week, I ask her the same question. She said that she believes that I am an amazing person and she can feel my soul in my writings. That's all crap I know. What would she say to Jhabvala or Rushdie. And although I did not like this answer, I still talk.
Probably I need a sample set greater than one. I asked the same question to my mates. Very different backgrounds, very different people, I assure you. All they could do was scratch their heads.
Either it's expectation of commitment or result oriented mindset or lack of time or boredom arising from intellectually stimulating crap. Pataa nahin. This question is a blinder which allows the questioner to gauge something. Miss Austin even gave me a KBC kind of a option set
a.) a friend b.) an acquaintance c.) a purposeless person you can talk to when you have time d.) Anything else other than this.
Probably it's that age when people have to reconcile and relate to their relationships and give them the conventional names. The blockhead I am, I always respond in a disappointing manner.
Jonathan Sachs was absolutely right when he said that "to defend a country you need an army; but to defend a civilisation you need books". I don't mix for meeting any precalculated goal or an expectation. Live life and let thigns happen. This seems to be the motto. Every person will find reasons to believe their own conclusions.
As for me, I will always think in the traditional form. No expectations and No misery. To me, and I'm sure, To a lot of us, it is about the power of those ideas, the truly original, the soaring of the imagination, the polemic that inspires, the arguments that rage, the excitement and promise of new friendships and relationships, living every moment.
I know they will say "that is all very fine, but why do you talk to me?".
Comments