Why is that I am having this undeniably foolish urge of writing down and preserve all that as befallen me, which I would prefer to call as her eminence, the great, life the greatest .I feel as if I have just retired from a battle and it has been of sorts, for it has shattered me completely and has resurrected me back from the very ashes, just like the phoenix. I feel lost in a lifeless desert with unknown faces, faces whom I would not care to touch or should I say dare or to be very true to myself though not for the first time, for I have lost the desire and the will to discover them out...not that I am a loner or an introvert, but yes, I am bent upon changing all that has fallen me as if by a bazooka.
Now that words have taken flight let me be true to the core...for the first time. Life till date has been as life should have been. It has had its fair share of up's and downs, what commoners prefer to call them, have been an integral part of it. It still seems foolish to recollect all the past events but then as is always said, what has happened has happened for the better of thyself. But still the question that began all this has not been answered. I must make myself clear at this point of time, that whatever is going to be said ,written is not going to be factual or mechanical record of events, but it is going to be about my feelings , my happiness , my anguish, my desires and to say it finally about me... It seems, though it is not unusual, that I am trying to be true to someone, even though it might just be me... it is an attempt to be the accuser, the guilty, the accused, the judge and the sole witness, which would be my soul. It is basically going to be a testament to my cowardice and my selfishness, which though I never was, but happened to be by circumstances.
When you feel as if an experience is over, you begin to realize that your own understanding of the events has just begun and in the event of time, when some new experience reawakens one's innerself, we begin to drift back into the seemingly fortuitous past and then we then conclude that whatever happened was predestined for us and that we are safely through it. The truth aha the truth as Aristotle redefined Plato's definition of truth, “To say what is, is not or that what is not, is false, but to say what is, is and what is not, is not, is true and therefore he who says that a thing is or is not will say either what is true or what is false.” Here is my truth, which my commonsense, conscience deems as truth. Time passes and we get to realize what could have been achieved...the value of it, when we have lost it altogether forever. I wish time could be run back and wrongs which I have regretted, ever since, be undone. I do not know where to start so let's start from the beginning... just to be on the safer side.
SHE was a beautiful girl, one of the most but that was not it...she had perhaps the most distinct, different things to her. It surely weren’t her clothes, or the makeup. They all wore the same drab school dress, but there was something which she did with the air around...With an air of indifference or carelessness, of innocence perhaps, straight and slim, she was really something. Her hair long and black brushed neatly, fell just below her shoulders with not a strand out of place. She was in the class glancing around coolly, and I was at this point of time chattering nervously with my namesake who used to be my soul mate at that point of time.
What’s her name, yaar?
Isn’t she good?
Yes, what’s her name?
Do you like her?
I didn’t know it was going to be that loud as if it were meant to be said that way
”She looks good, let’s see how she is in studies and after all she has just joined."
By this time everyone was looking at me and even her. She was staring at me coldly and then she walked up to me and said "what do you think of yourself?"
“what do you mean. I am the best” ...said in a tone that belied my nervousness and with a funny expression to show as if that I was not ruffled by her attitude.
"Then you better start caring about yourself"
I felt blood rising in my cheeks and then I coolly got up, stuck a finger up her face "Mind your own business".
She just walked back to her seat. Everyone was still looking at me. The whole day was wasted and class after class I was as if in mourning. Holidays were beginning the day next to next and I was not in a mood to face her but since I had no reason to stay back I cycled myself to school, dreading the thought of facing her, praying to god, One of my friend walked up to me and said she is not gonna come .I showed her my crossed fingers and she smiled. She understood. The whole day was same with all my antics and pranks. Childish, was I and I believed it showed my innocence and it got me all the attention. We all hugged each other and bid farewell and broke up for the summers.
This started way back in seventh, this girl; she took me by the force of a gale sweeping across a hapless town in its wake or as if some building shakes in an earthquake of some 8.4 magnitude on the Richter scale. She was beautiful, intelligent and boy was she good. She gave a new meaning to my life, my existence, a new outlook, desires to fulfill; in fact she made me grow up. We both were in the same teams for (undisclosed for reasons of anonymity) of the school. I used to real nervous talking to her; so nervous that I used to keep talking to her, nonstop. She used to adore me, even if she did not let's keep it my way. It went on that way. And I gave her a “Flair” as a gift which took my two months of allowance. It was love all the way and I believed she knew, even if she did not let's keep it my way.
It was a great farewell my friends planned for me. While moving out she came to me and believe me I still did not enough guts to tell her, but I told her that I would come back some day. She smiled and it was painful.......to me. Then finally I said I would come back to you when I am good enough, worthy of you. And then we talked and she said she would love me if I were an IITian and then and there humanities lost a great student and sciences got another unwilling to break his head, cursing Galileo Newton and Einstein all the way. But when people have laid down lives in love, I told myself that this is nothing. Thinking of her I worked hard. We sent letters to each other at respective school addresses... those were the days when love was in the air and then the day came when I got through and was happy and went back. I phoned her and asked her to meet me. Something in her voice was not right but I did not listen, and as if god can't bear to see someone happy, he broke my back and the thunder fell on me. She was there and three years had made her more beautiful and she was smiling and we sat down and then talked and she told me that someone else is there whom she loves and her parents are willing. I choked back on my tears and I congratulated her and she told me that there would be better girls in my life and she started talking about him and that was more enough, I said “please leave me alone” and I regret it to this day. I paid and walked out.... I sat on a bench and cried my self out. I realized the gravity of those words, now, for these words ripped us apart to live two completely unknown empty lives. I cried myself hoarse.
I came home and came here. And I sulked, I lost my smile and I believed in rejecting people before they did that to me. I was afraid and I was soft and grew a shell. Became very hard for I knew no other way of facing it. I cried at nights when no one was around and I cried inwards. With a frown on my face I became feared and well respected. I hated the way I was but I could not help it. And I sulked and sulked till; another lightning struck me….... A common friend told me she was ill. I was perplexed and I wanted to find out what had happened but for the hatred which I had developed for her in the meantime. I tried to contact her and my innumerable mails went unreplied. I hacked her yahoo account and well then in the summers I was in a trance. She had osteosarcoma and that is cancer of bone. She being a med student in one of the best schools of India must have known the implications. Only amputation, graft surgery or chemotherapy could have saved her. I somehow got her contact number and phoned her. She was crying all the time and I said nothing. I knew not what to say. She kept on saying that god did not will us to be together and she would live alone, be not dependent on anyone and I said that I would call her back.... I have not till this date. I don’t know what to do.
She knew it when she told me that story and I still believe I could see a tear on her lids and I keep imagining her with that bombshell to drop on me. She made a decision for both of us and she did it and I was a fool who cursed her all the time and now what do I do? I have begun to have doubts about my love for her and have started wavering in my resolve and in spite of my heart telling me to go and meet her I have not been able to do it. I am not sure of what to say and how to act but I am a coward for once in my life and I acknowledge it and for my failings I am ready to face the inevitable but my head says listen to me and just try to forget her for she was never meant to be yours . This is a testament to my cowardice and my failings in love and acknowledging it gives me shivers but then what would you have done had you found yourself in the same situation. Ask yourself. For once in my life I have shrank back and well that's it.... I am a coward, ignobly timid and what not, but what could I have done...I feel as if I had no choice. This is all I had to say...this is my tribute to her and to those feelings I had, and for the tears in our life and the pain......... I am hurt, afraid and she is dying and I can do nothing except finish my assignments and sleep if I can. Sometimes I am human just like all of us are and the greatest goal of life is to realize the obstacles and overcome them. Most of us do not even realize this.
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