Of lives and dreams and pangs

We have spent quite a lot of time on working out ... things.. things that would make us reach our dreams. It has meant a lot to us, the band has changed. Such has beent he coming and going of people. Even I have thought of quitting a number of times. But this is fine. If not plagued by self-doubt, how can a man create something? So it will b fine . In the end, I will walk with a head held high?

What has happened to the blog. I have tremendous number of ideas. Bu it has become very difficult to let them be written down on the sheet or the screen.

Mebbe I should now start writing a bit more. Ruk jaa zaraa

By Her - Dreams

Dreams

Dreams- the pristine clouds; Unbridled, uncurbed, untamed in sky
Are nothing but concoctions, that precipitate into a flurry……

Dreams- those imprecated birds, that left their nests, to know not where
And were harped by death, in their journey of quest…..

Dreams- the unfinished painting, with crooked lines and myriad hues
But lost the muse, before the painter got his due….

Dreams- the beautiful rainbow; appealing, fascinating and invigorating you
But was washed off the form, before its mysteries I could unsew….

Dreams- the sublime consciousness, vignetting our thoughts
Waking us in the nights, but in daylight are like battles lost

Dreams- the carved glass form, splitting the morning rays
That lost its panache when sharded into million frays

Dreams are those stars that I tried hard to reach…
Dreams are those songs that I could never beseech…
Dreams are the dews that melted in my hand…
Dreams are the plants that failed to grow in sand….
Dreams were ripples that died without a stir
Dreams were those ideas that were nothing but a blur

But dreams are also thoughts, that guide me through
Dreams are blessings that I count for you….
Dreams are longings that I crave for and yearn,
A packful of wishes still yet to unfurl…..
Dreams are not the end but a beacon of start
To own and possess what one truly deserves

Home Alone

When you enter a phase where you examine your life and reevaluate your goals, there can be a number of outcomes. You can decide that you've been a failure, and that it's no use trying any longer. You can decide that you haven't done as well as you wished, and try harder. You can decide that things haven't gone like you wanted them to, and alter your goals, to see if new ones might be reachable. You can decide that it's someone else's fault that you aren't where you wanted to be. You can celebrate your successes, and ignore your failures. There are many other possible outcomes, but you get the idea.

It's complicated.It is the complicated nature of human beings, though, that makes them so interesting. Any given wild animal can be watched, and very little happens that will surprise the experienced observer. But no matter how long you study humans, you never quite know what to expect.

What?

Thats what everybody's response is.

Where did you go on your honeymoon.

Sorry. We have not gone yet.

What?

And there it all begins. I am so slow and sick. I can't even move my butt. Let alone scratch it.
I hope i can be better and do something worthwhile. While we have spent the first month at home only, I hope we can do the honeymoon int he first year.

Work has taken its toll.

Lots and lots of catching up to do.
Lots and lots.
I hope I can make it upto expectations.

तलाश

दो शब्द थे, एक साथ नहीं मिलते
मिले तो अर्थ खो गया, अर्थ मिला
तो मर्म खो गया, मर्म भी मिला जब,
तो बस मेरा खुदा नहीं रहा

Comeback

I sit here with a very bad taste in my mouth. All of a sudden.

I sit here hating the very life, I had scorned. I sit here with violent thoughts and violent words screaming in my mind. I sit here smarting, smartin from wounds that have been self-inflcited. I sit here very confused, utterly confused. What is it that I started out for, where am I, Am I still going towards where i started out for and Do I still want it?

I have been having these terrible mood swings. I am all laughter one second and another I am tearing my hair out. I don't know. I seriously don't. It is a sea change from just months ago. Just months ago I was pouring myself into work. I had the direction, the will, the courage. And now I sit here wondering if I am fat or not. I hate this myself, I seriously hate myself right now.

I seriously am disappointed professionally. Its my lament. My God, if you exist, give me a battle worth fighting for. Give it to me now, or take all that you have given me. No questions asked and no tears shed. I shall retire in peace knowing no battles ought to be fought for, for which the discipline is required. There the bells won't toll, they won't call to us and we shall exist in complete deafening silence. An eternal silence that shall shout to us of our inadequacies.

Jettison

I woke up at 5 I think. I lay thinking. Thinking hard.
It was kind of hysteria. I got up. Looked at "things to do" list, I always prepare, never follow.
A weekend wasted, viral again, the same symptoms that allow me creativity did not this time. Was too afraid, fearful.

So there I sat. I walked and paced thinking furiously. I needed that. Inevitable things come and they come inevitably. I mean, one always knew but never anticipated in such minute magnificent way. It could have been playing ghar-ghar. I was always the kind to soak up a lot of everything. I was the kind who had stay alone, making my own notes, and once in a while, sit down and revisit the entire collection of nostalgia. My plans which are unborn, still-born. My longings, untouched, unkempt.

Then I decided to get all my papers in order. Everything was mish-mash. There was an entire history of my life for two years. The ideas, the desires, the hysteria was all pervading. And then I came across a notes print out. "Trading and Hedging Options" I was like where are we going. And there I saw the naivete of a person with too much to prove. The claims. The gusto. It was bravo.

I sat down and revised all that had passed me by on this journey where I had so many notions broken and remade. On the last two pages was a furiously scribbled post. I was like, Have i ever posted that one. Did it get born?

So I sat down and checked. http://teentotoons.blogspot.com/2007/10/i-asked-him-about-his-enemies-he-began.html there it was. So long ago.

Contemplated how people around me would respond about my blog. Contemplated and then logged off.

अच्छा लगा

आज बुझ सी गयी है दिल की जलन
मुझको नहीं है अब पता ज़िंदा हूँ क्या
बस बहुत ही बद-मज़ा हो रखा था
आपने छु कर अपना कहा, अच्छा लगा