Teens to Toons

A you-know-who article... Probably I better be writing for teen magazines on "how to lose a girl?", "how to get out of mess and enter again?" and similar stuff... probably start an agony aunt column... 1.They Two-time & Flirt 2.They Have A Superiority Syndrome 3.They Drink, Smoke And Can't Control Themselves 4.They Scratch Themselves In Public 5.They are overly possesive 6.They Think Complimenting Girls Is A Sin 7.They Lead You On And Then Blame It On Alcohol 8.They Are Sweet Only When They Need Help 9.They Never Make A Commitment 10.They Don't Have To Spend As Much Money As Girls To Look Good 11.They Are Insensitive 12.They Use Foul Language 13.They Think Fighting Shows Their Strength 14.They Never Ask For Directions 15.They Think A Short Temper Is Cool 16.They Can't Get Pregnant 17.They Don't Respect Girls 18.They Ridicule Girls' Choices 19.The Way They Play In The Sun And Get Sweaty 20.They Don't Want To Watch Senti Movies 21.They Don&

Life has this unexpected way of throwing something new to you constantly. What you grab onto is yours to keep. But sometimes however hard you try, you have to let go. You may say it is a loss, but people say that one must look at it this way, your hands are free now to try and catch the next thing that life throws at you. But amongst all this I sometimes lose sight of things that were once dear. Things that were a part of me. Skills that you never lose, things that make you who you are. Stuff that I never thought I could do without. But after a while, they start gnawing at you, constantly reminding you of their presence, demanding attention and time. And most of the times you find yourself relieved that they haven't left you completely. They will remain, no matter what, like your friends, looking out for you, giving an outlet for your thoughts and emotions. Making you complete... still they are neccesary but not sufficient.

I did not sleep a wink last night. And reached cafeteria at 7:30 this morning. Nocturnal ? Yes, but i don't think that's it. Why is it not okay with me that my friend is falling for a guy two years younger than her but it was completely alright with me that another friend was bitching about another friend? Narrow-minded? Maybe not. Conservative? Perhaps. How do you know that its time you finally move on? How?? Why does that hope have to die? Can't we keep hoping....that a miracle might happen? Why have i started liking someone SO much, even though I know nothing much about the person? Why has the person become so dear to me so soon? Officially going insane? Or maybe I'm only human? Once I fall, I fall real hard. How not to? Any preventions? I doubt so. Maybe don't fall at all? Impossible, I think! It's been a while since I got high. Or drunk. "I love you". Its been a while since I have said that to someone. And vice-versa. Isn't it sad when someone

Fear. Fury. Hope. Hopelessness. Pain. Love. Lust. Some emotions that I can list out. Some emotions that basically govern me all the time. This is not the complete list, neither ordered. It is just a list. No reason why it exists. All I can say that when my mind goes numb with the effort I am putting in, just to cope up with the emotions and sucking up all the knowledge I can, it just needs to pour out. It has not had much of a chance in past few months and though I decided to cut down on posts, even the quality has suffered. All I do is work, stare into walls or sleep... and yes.. participate in class. There are fools who think I do this for some ulterior motive. Something deep down has always kept me that way. People tell me that I emanate bad vibes. Bad vibes indeed. People have told me that the first time they meet me.. they find me uptight, arrogant, a bastard, a no-good. Well that has been true.. I am all that till I become an essential part of your existence. Then you want to mov

It has been so long... longer than ever before and I miss you... Its misty and its black.. and yet I am waiting... Waiting for that one glance for which I will wait... Its no more funny.. Infact it has started to get serious... I want a life...I want normal things which i believed I would always get.. I never thought that they could elude me.. Now I miss you like never before... I cannot study and concentrate... Come on... be the one as you were always... Love me like you have never before... and if you can't see me.. I am on my knees.. with tears in my eyes.. waiting for you.. like always...

Somrbody says... "If you can not take rejections normally, please do not propose. Die with that “sweet” love in your heart. It’s very romantic - you know!" Then why do you even spare a thought about it... Just a thought

Movie Name: Sannata (1966) Singer: Hemant Kumar Music Director: Hemant Kumar Lyrics: Gulzar Year: 1966 Bas Ek Chup Sii Lagii Hai Nahii.N Udaas Nahii.N Kahii.N Pe Saa.Ns Rukii Hai Nahii.N Udaas Nahii.N Bas Ek Chup Sii Lagii Hai Ko_Ii Anokhii Nahii.N Aisii Zi.Ndagii Lekin Khuub Na Ho Mili Jo - Khuub Milii Hai. Nahii.N Udaas Nahii.N Bas Ek Chup Sii Lagii Hai    ... Sahar Bhii Ye Raat Bhii Dopahar Bhii Milii Lekin Hamii.N Ne Shaam Chunii Hamii.N Ne - Shaam Chunii Hai Nahii.N Udaas Nahii.N Bas Ek Chup Sii Lagii Hai   ... Vo Daasataa.N Jo Hamane Kahii Bhii Hamane Likhii Aaj Vo - Khud Se Sunii Hai Nahii.N Udaas Nahii.N Bas Ek Chup Sii Lagii Hai

kabhi khud pe, kabhi haalaat pe ronaa aayaa... baat niklii to har ek baat pe ronaa aayaa... hum to samajhe they, hum bhool gayein hain unko... kyaa huaa aaj yeh kis baat pe ronaa aayaa... kis liye jeete hain hum, kis ke liye jeete hain... baar-ah aise savalaat par ronaa aayaa... kaun rotaa hai kisi aur ke khatir, ae dost... sabko apni hi kisi baat pe ronaa aayaa... kabhi khud pe, kabhi haalaat pe ronaa aayaa... Another of those phases.. I guess.. Work will take care...no doubt... it's work work and work for me...

Sometimes I feel like the biggest idiot on earth. At other times, I just know. I yearn to meet the person who has taught me loads … chiefly, to love, to laugh, to trust, to share … unconditionally I hold in my hand the conviction of people who have stood by me, never doubting, never failing … rock solid And yet … I yearn for more … for the unknown … What it is? What it is? Please God, you be telling … What the HELL it is? tsk tsk... Going to meet dad.. and Am I happy...

It seems like that life is running out of my hand... Out of my life is running out time and there I feel is no need to stop... it is one long race and I feel that it is just the right thing to do.. flow with the flow.. till one feels ... ahh.. this is the time to stop and then I had stop... it does not make much sense but it soon will and am waiting to perform as and when needed... Summers coming up and am not looking forward to them as eagerly as I should be.. anyway it had be good..

Unconditional love... subject just to number of chocolates I share and number of balls I bowl... that is akki... one who takes me as I am... No preconditions for love..to be given or to be accepted... Makes me feel so precious... makes me feel important... That is why I love him... subject to the number of times he asks me for toffees and number of bowls he asks me to bowl... I just hope he does not grow up...

Sean(Robin Williams' Character): Thought about what you said to me the other day, about my painting. Stayed up half the night thinking about it. Something occurred to me... fell into a deep peaceful sleep, and haven't thought about you since. Do you know what occurred to me? Will (Matt Damon's Character): No. Sean: You're just a kid, you don't have the faintest idea what you're talkin' about. Will: Why thank you. Sean: It's all right. You've never been out of Boston. Will: Nope. Sean: So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a sylla

I lost today to someone I know A little battle Fought within me I lost today It wasn’t even unfair A matter of will That bent a little too much I lost today And I have no one to blame Nobody would ever know Things will continue, just the same But, I lost today I know.

So that was how the past month was like. What was the best bit? . Because as much as I like thinking of myself as a loner, I am not one. · Because as much as I like having my space, I want to share the wonders around me with people I feel comfortable with. · Because as much as I like to sit and read, I like trudging up a mountain path that is crossed by little rivulets better. · Because untamed wilderness sends a sharper thrill down my back than pretty manicured gardens. · Because the water at home is not recycled… I sit here waiting Waiting for something to change The change I aspire, the change I need Is a change I cannot comprehend I have been asked to get my act together To put my ‘talents’ to use… What talents I wonder What will I find as I delve deeper into me I know myself Maybe I don’t I see …Sweet faces, brilliant smiles, gurgling babies, swaying trees, floating clouds… I smell… pollution, flowers, shampoo in wet hair, henna, perfume, sweat, open gutters… I hear… alarms, wind,

Two years work-ex ... Infosys... Mathematics Honours... St. Stephens... IIT Kharagpur... Tata Motors... BDO(Block Development Officer) .. 9 years work-ex... Unable to formulate a linear equation.... an 11x11 matrix... I know it's tough but it ain't impossible... But they wrote a mail saying it is beyond them... that is how disappointed I am... That is why I am proud of being an IITK alumni... That is why I walk with a straight head... That is why I am scorned.. that is why I am hated.. that is why I am not one of them... I would prefer to die than to say a "no" without proving that it is beyond proof... It is disappointing and it is tragic and it means I am doing the economics project all alone... that means I am putting in too much time into this project.. that means I need to reassess a lot of things.. that means I need to rethink my approach to people... I don't want to go back and become the same "thing" I was earlier... I want to act and not react..

It is a torment... it shows me all my faults... I am really bad at working in groups... ultimately I have to take charge and get the work done.. why am I unable to do the work in a manner that is acceptable to all.. Somehow people have these problems with working in groups.. and my attitude makes it a bit tougher on all of us... So I got to analyze a bit more after this semester and become more acceptable...

It's my marriage... Can anything be funnier... but no it's kind of ugly..and pathetic. I hardly know the people... I am meeting the people for the first time, just before the marriage and that is kind of unsettling... I mean.. I would want to know a lot about people I am going to become a part of... and such dark thoughts make me squirm... and then it's 25th Nov... I am so drunk that I can't stand straight... That was the only day, when I bunked office... Dad had called and it was close to noon... and I somehow answered and then he put the phone into the hands of my cousin... she was the one getting married... and I dunno why.. but I asked her ... why are you getting married... and well, isn't that silly... I would never have been able to answer that one... Even when I am married... or dying.. and she in her picture perfect, angelic voice said, "because everybody does and I think I kind of like him." I know it ain't good enuf reason.. but yet.. she is

I am the lowest of all life forms. BUT... I have not succumbed to pity and groveling. I am confused. I am angry. I am a bit amused as well. If people back home knew, what they call me here... they had laugh themselves to death. Especially Mom... Especially Sis... Especially Dad... But somebody is surely going to get hurt, if this continues. The music will be played. I hardly remember someone calling those ten-pointers maggus... They did it, because they could... and the sloggers were the maggus... probably people have not had those kind of out of body, out of mind experiences... The place is all but bearable... It's just okay... But I am living it out. Lack of friends is okay as well... I had just continue with poetry and some crazy ideation... I had as well start exercising again... Maybe I start studying again... And I have to be smart enough not to be a moron...

Applied mathematicians studying dating is about as likely to deliver credible results as gorillas solving quadratic equations. That's what I conclude at least after reading about this mathematical model created by researchers at University College London to explore the role of gift-giving in courtship. A team of applied mathematicians created a sequential calculation as a model of dating... The researchers assigned points to an array of courtship behaviors, including gift-giving. The computer considered the hypothetical facts, mulled over a few variables and calculated which behaviors would result in the highest score for the imaginary male or female dater. The researchers varied the type of gift the man could give. (Political correctness aside, it was a given that the man was the pursuer and gift-giver.) So you had a choice of worthless, valuable or extravagant gifts. Valuable gifts = diamonds for example. Items with usefulness or resale value Extravagant gifts = dinner at a fancy

These days I react... Probably I am short on patience.. or else I have to do something... but I react... I am short on temper.. I take things out on me.. this is unlike me... I had been patient... I can wait and take out all the torture of playing the waiting game... but not any more... I have to relearn to do that... Just what Yoda said... I have to train myself to let go of the fear of losing the things I want and desire... Act.. Act... Act normally...

I can stand despair... but hope... I can't stand hope.... A laughable dimwit... A morning snore.... A brash kindergarten kid... Nope... they ain't name of albums... They are names of professors I have... How can they be so tiring... I have this desire for knowledge and I have taken the worst sounding profs with desire... with willingness and obedience... but this one takes the cake... they are a crime and crime it is... And guess what I am going to commit this...

For the past few days... I feel like I am divorced... I was intimidated and I was feeling low... How much time is it gonna take me get over you...

Another three days in pain and fever and delirium.. I like these days.. howsoever painful they might be.. I still have not recorded the one thing I have wanted to for a long long time... Anyhow... I have felt unwanted and uncared for... steely resolve to get my due before departing... Economics calls for some serious work... and I hate the undecided and uncommitted... They are a part of me as well.. This then is the humanity to which we belong, with no hope of being able to break from it. Our fellow beings are our enemies, our own brothers are our executioners; we can disown them, we can reject them, but they resemble us insofar as there is hardly any way to distinguish them from us. Except primarily through our words, but above all through our actions. Every cough is a cry to forgiveness and every tear is a dream gone wrong.

People who suffer from inability to express their emotions and understanding the emotions of others. They rarely cry and are often seen by others as bland and cold... Their own feelings make them uncomfortable and they are unable to discriminate between their emotions. In addition, they are at complete loss to understand what others around them feel. They are not well suited to sales and managerial positions. But they might be effective performers. for instance, in a job writing program code or in any work that is confined exclusively to computer interaction... Isn't this a bit of me... Lemme see...

FOUR NAMES YOU GO BY: - Shoonya - Shoonya - Shoonya - Shoonya (I knew this was a trick question) THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: - My Humor(It sucks!:P). - My perseverance - My ability to be infatuated THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: - My face. - My weight - My feet THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE: - Humour. - Unconditional love. - Objectivity. THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU: - Future - Past - A loveless existence. THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS: - Thinking about you - Listening to music - A creative idea a day THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW: - Cigarillo . - A chain. - A brain-wracking expression (this meme isn't easy!) THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP: - Compatability - Humour (lots and lots of bad) - Trust TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order): - I feel no pain - I am a great cook - I wish I was moneyed THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU: - Back - Butt:P - Breasts THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO

It is a kind of solution when I say I want to move on. The funny part is that I realize that I am the problem. Yesterday I saw a wonderful piece of videography by IITK juniors. I always thought of how I could make a movie about how classes start in the morning.. the various kind of approaches that people take.. the early risers, the moderates and the lasts... Funnily I never got the drive to do it. Now I think, if somebody had asked me what IITK gave to me, I would have brushed them off. Probably the only advice I would have for them would have been 1. Make your own original mistakes and do not follow any path laid out for you.. 2. Never lose you originality and creativity, save them, support them and be alive always.

High fever... Endless vomits... Intense pain... and you... That is what makes me endure them with a smile.. I would give anything to be yours forever... Hamse aayaa naa gayaa.. Tumse bulaaya naa gayaa... In my delirium, I can lose all that makes me so tiring and become the nice simple person that you made me.. Was that me.. I can take all the jokes.. all the pain... but you had to be here... I even expected your phone call... isn't that so silly... And people here hate my aggresiveness... my ego.. my attitude and hate me in al possible ways.. isn't that a tribute to my insanity...

A five pronged strategy to change... Reason for change... Need to have higher self esteem. Investing for the future. Areas of Effort (with probable acton items) 1. Be cool always. Be normally emotional. Control anger and fear. Do not impose yourself on people. Make own calculated moves. Think Mikhail Tal. (Think Tal and it would not be tough... Think dad even.. be unflappable... be like dad..) 2. Listen genuinely to people. Look at them normally. Do not stare at them. Start with a smile and a hello. Do not bite people. Nod head when listening. Encourage people to come up with their own ideas. Take the burden if needed. Persist with listening and reason out with people, howsoever frustating. (Think dad in this too... Think didi as well... she makes a good case here... smile a lot.. and not that constipated smile..please) 3. Motivation is not money and pride. It is satisfaction. Rest will follow. Wake up everyday to do something new and worthwhile. Remember fourth year in this aspect. Ex

Some thoughts come back. I always knew that I ws going to be disliked. I knew it when I was born again... It is kind of rude awakening. People and feedback. It is definitely my fault. The animal in me is not supposed to come out. It just isn't. Nobody likes an animal. I did not have any misconceptions. I am an easy guy to dislike and I probably, deep inside like it. Dislike is a mild word. It should be HATE. This time I am not going to fightback. Not this time. Time will come but not this time. I remember IITK when people hated me for all the right reasons and I did not care. I was a nice kid but I had that wild streak in me. Now I am no more nice. I am just wild. Probably I should go back to the jungle and let my wildness come out. I miss dad right now so much, I dunno why. Life goes on. How can you be what people want. But yes don't be what people don't like. Do that alone. Do it to yourself. Play safe son. We need it right now. The "Shoonya" needs to be normali

It has been a bit depressing. It has been a bit gloomy. It has been a bit different from what I expected. It is exactly what I feared. I am just another student. I wanted to be a bit higher on the pedestal. After all this is supposed to be a B-school. I thought I would have been able to get rid of all the waste in my head. All the things are still there and worse is the situation that I have no one to talk to. People here are so afraid to do something new. they are new born lambs and they hardly understand what i am trying to tell them. It's as if I am mocking them, which I definitely am not. It is worse to be misunderstood. It was better there. I will make it here somehow but I miss you and I have to tell you this.

The first one in my wing to get married. Congrats. Aseem gets married in two hours and I sit here writing this. Is this the way I claim to be a friend. I guess yes. This is reality of life. One never gets to be where one wants to be. Why is life always unfair in my favor? Look who is talking. I underestimated him. I overestimated myself. And look he is with the one he loves. रफ़्ता-रफ़्ता वो मेरी हस्ती का सामाँ हो गए पहले जाँ, फिर जान-ए-जाँ, फिर जान-ए-जाना हो गए। Congrats all the way. I am jealous and that is praise. I am still all stuffed. I drink to your happiness today.

The Spirit Of Galaxy I am emotional ... somehow I have a feeling that this mail of mine would not be appreciated. But I feel that before passing out (graduating) from this institute, I must try to give back to it, what it gave to me. This mail is about belonging to this place, this place which has been my home. Nothing less and nothing more. I have been very disturbed at the recent developments...but the one event that took something away that was dearest to me was the scrapping of two successive Galaxies. I and a few others were together, a little while ago and nostalgia took hold of us. We recounted all that Galaxy took away from us. The classes we bunked, the grades that fell, to be true, we all suffered. But then It gave us something, that is so great in magnitude, that nothing ... I repeat nothing would be comparable to it. The camaraderie, the team spirit that developed in us, which we felt and still feel, is unbelievably strong. The Galaxy was one event which brought people out

Alice came to a fork in the road. "which road do I take" she asked. "where do you want to go" responded Cheshire cat. "I don't know." Alice answered. "Then,"said the cat, "it does not matter".

Chapter 1 Simon Says Are you a nerd? The self-knowledge of being a nerd is perhaps as important as learning to interact with the society at large. Perhaps that is half the marathon run. Were you "smart"at school and college? Were you popular? Being "smart" at school was not a big deal. There were things that counted for much more than being "smart" like physical apppearance, athletic ability etc. Most "smart" kids would want to be popular but it takes effort to do that. There is an inverse relationship in being smart and being popular. It takes effort to be popular just as it takes effort to be smart. So let me define a "nerd". A nerd is someone who isn't socially adept, in general, and is great at technical skills. Why does it matter to us if someone is socially "gauche". At an "individual" level, it would be fine to be socially "uncool" because what one does at a personal level does not affect the soc

People "demand" things from me that are either trivial or just absurd or plain impossible. Either it's me who is not in the coherent state to be able to classify them as other kinds... But to me, they belong to one of these categories. Organizational Behavior is a course... That was a surprise. Now I will have to "manufacture" the right and the correct answers to shield my misfit type. I had do this willingly because ethics is a part of this course and so is the manager's dilemma of getting the thing done. It's kind of interesting in the sense that it clearly elucidates my mistakes in the past. I can see them as a pattern emerging from my being a misfit. Anyhow I just plan to get going and make most of it, while it lasts...

Why do I have to run away when people confront me? Yesterday DG went to the extent of saying that my "blogging" has turned very selfish in a way that I always write about "me". I would not call it confusion neither selfishness. I would just call it a need. A need because I need to discuss myself with someone and I am short of people on that aspect. Infact most things that I had like to do, I would have to do alone. My communication with people is limited to most trivial things. It is mostly me with myself. what can I do if I wanted to shout out and want everyone to listen to what I say? Forget that. So what can i do if I would have wanted to write the way I wrote in the beginning. Lots of things. Spend a lot of time in bed, thinking!!! Moreover I would have to also make sure of some idea-searching and incorporating some soul-searching. And the worst part is that all of them are just theories. And right now theories to me, are absurd. They don't work. They just e

Life goes on. That is all that matters. No need to suspend life for anything. Life matters when you are alive and live it while you can. In fact, all the time you waste it while sleeping, you can make a mistake while awake. So sleep and make mistakes. That is all life is all about. It is all about "al the almost" things in life. Need to meet the gods and goddesses. I don't think I am going to make many friends in this place. it does not matter after all.

It seems that I am not a student anymore and that the camaraderie that always existed in me for my fellow mates is no more there. I just hope that in time I change for the better. Sleeping and Consoling self is the only thing I do these days. I crave for freedom of Pune and Lucknow kind of gets to me. It is going to be Kanpur Final year I guess. The computer does not like me anymore. It started misbehaving again. I guess I will have to get a laptop sooner than I ever thought would be the case. Relationships are on a cold now. Life is on the backfoot. It's desires and dreams. desires and dreams I repeat.

It's a rather personal thing. My family is an extended one. I have always felt that I have never recieved the appreciation that I deserve for all my small accomplishments from my dad. I love my Dad. But inspite of my "good" performances all my career, educationwise, sportswise, otherwise - dad never ever gave me the kind of appreciation that I have hungered for. My dad on such occasions always goes on a trip, talking about his younger brother, my chacha. He is also from IITK. A brilliant student althrough. A gold-medalist, a topper, a person who went on a full scholarship to London to do his MBA in 1978. He wrote his thesis by hand as he did not have enough money to get it typed and was awarded the best. One day he just shrank. My father always thought of his brother as the chosen one and he ended up as "nothing". He retired on a VRS with almost nothing to his name. So whenever it comes to talking of deeds and potential, my father goes on one of those trips. An

Student Again... Am not really on the right side yet. I am too much of a bore and I am drowning people along with myself. I have had a tough time at home. All the pertinent answers were given to all my impertinent questions. All matters resolved for me. Parents are gods... I been too down... I don't know why... Is it because I have not tested my wings in a long time. Is it because I have not been able to locate a microphone to get my own composition on "air"... I am dead... there is no energy in me.. even for smiling... The water is too hot to have a bath.. but I need it anyhow... It's season of "four baths and one sleep".

The remains... The last bits... that is all that remains... when it comes to letting go... when it comes to going away... It's sad..but I should have gotten used to all this.. I should have... But I will someday have to let go of bigger things... my expectations, my hopes, my faith, my love, my life... I would rather laugh on these occasions and give my best smile... I believe that I have to train myself to let go of everything I fear to lose.

Madness follows me... People get mad and hysterical.. that is what happened... to me... And the worst part is that i have no idea what I did... Must be the cardinal error again... Things in fux... packing is still on... Giving myself quality time is the priority... ... Time to let go of this period... A defining period.. when I knew of all that befell me. before it befell me... hehe.. That I might call was the worst part.. and I hammered my finger on the righ hand... and it's all blue and really painful... Is dard ka koi ilaaj nahin, Samay kii chaap halki padegi to, nahin sunaayi degi meri cheekh, bardaasht karnaa seekh jaayenge...

Today is a special day. It has been pretty hard for me to decide whether I want to put this piece on the blog. This piece will be to me, what waterloo was to napoleon, stalingrad to hitler, what 9/11 is to Bush. Life is not so sweet, otherwise i would be diabetic. Nothing much moves. The times have passed and this is one piece that has bound me together. I do not know the truth, neither do I care. Last night, finally, my patience ran out. Three months and I had not dialled her number. I did it. I don't know why I did it, but I did it. I had to. Her voice was the same as ever. Late at night and she was like the morning dew on the green grass. Concern in her voice, made me go vroom-vroom. why does my heart have to do those acrobatics when I am talking to her? She had been calling me ever since I gave up calling her and she had been pretty consistent. I was like, remembering her, when I needed her, for me and my selfish reasons. So I called her, big deal. I told her that I had not

I have had a few good days and a few bad days in life. So does it matter? Seems like I am never gonna get back this day, so why should I regret being alive. I am alive and I am in good health and that is all that matters... So bye bye gloomy sunday... I am all sunshine

Great Minds discuss Ideas; Average minds discuss events; Poor ones discuss people. I do not know who said this. I think I am a bit afraid of starting up. I might also be a bit afraid of the uncertainty that makes me a bit sad. I always knew that it will involve an uncertainty and willpower. Now am I lacking that. I do not know for sure.. but I am preparing for the battle. A lot of people start out and few reach the destination. But I am not going to let myself down in any eventuality. It's my life and it's going to be my way.

Another of those weekends... when people think that shit in their lives is not shit and your life is up for analysis and that they can say anything.. because something will stick. So I had to go through a round of analysis... mental and emotional crunching. People own me, I think. They think of me as the right person to help because I am one man gone wrong. They tell me about my fears of a start-up. When I tell them, that I have this idea and I am afraid to go through with it, they laugh at me. They coax me, mollify me. When I say I am in pain, they say welll.. what had you expect, you have given so many, so much pain. It's payback time. When I say, I am heartbroken, they say you deserve it, because you are not the right kind, you are the one who has problems committing. When people call the people they love "n" times a day, you call them once in "n exp (n)" days. So how can you expect to be loved in turn, because you hardly give something up for people. People,

I was reading Gibran's "Broken Wings" yesterday. After completing it, I was very tired. Something has been leeching away my spirit, my resistance to simple things in life. It used to be so easy to block things that I did not want to take care of. It was just a wonderful thing that I could do. Selma makes for a wonderful case. I guess it's Kahlil's first person account. The way he has described the stuff. I might try to do the same, except that I cannot describe the "pauses". I am not able to get the length. I am probably a short story writer. Not the one with length. Anyhow, I felt not so nice yesterday and it is continuing even today. Someone went through "Love Paeans" and made a remark about it. Now I can see what it is to be a person with some sagacity. I had it then and now I have lost it again. I am so busy these days that I have no time for all this and yet, her memories ail me. I am the one with the broken wings.

I was in such a good mood. Everything was almost happening... and then reality comes in. Why does my past always have to come back and haunt me? I am so mad at myself for what I did and what I didn't. I would also like to ask why do I deserve to be treated with so much disdain by luck in life. I can do better, can I not? Help me.. once!

I had a wonderful weekend... Things happened. I am happy. I have taken my first step. I am walking... and then Kahlil Gibran.... It is strange that desire for pleasure is a part of my pain.

When I read Hermann Hesse's Siddhartha, I felt numb. He was close to what I feel was possible for a human to realize, without trying out the real thing himself. I liked the way he approached the subject and the reasons he put out. People might try to say the same thing in another way.. but the conversation with Buddha is one which I will like till the end of days.. whatever might happen.. but I am sure that they might teach you, coach you... solve it for you... but it will not be possible for you to feel it.. unless you have don all of it on your own... Let us say that this is the part of the puzzle....

There was a time.. not so long ago when I was seeking money. I was in this company and they were paying me a not so handsome sum. I had zilch confidence in me, that I had make it big. That was the time, when I had to decide on my and her fate, that is our fate. I decided not to and the results are for you to see. Barely three months down the line, I was in another firm, earning a handsome salary. Today I have a salary that is far better than my previous salary. I am doing far far better than the rest. I am doing good. I have enough money. And I find no use for that money. It does not give me pleasure. It is painful. I am nearly watering my eyes right now... (what an expression) and all my life is passing before me. Never was I short of money. But I never had any surplus. I still live without any luxuries. I just make do with bare essentials. I do not care for luxuries, nor for comfort. I can sleep on the floor without any major ego problems. I care not for food anymore. Anything that i

Yoda is green. So what? Yoda knows and acts. He advises and sensibly so. Yoda is a natural. "You have to train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." As a professional there are so many fears. It leads you all the time and you almost never know when to let go. I decided to ask myself the question "Is it worth it?" always. Otherwise I would never know when to say no and stop. They ask me if I have written anything humorous. I want to write funny but it is a tough ask. My current disposition does not help to think in pleasant funny terms. If one were to ask me who I consider the greatest writer, I would say, without any doubt, Wodehouse. If someone can write the way Wodehouse wrote, he ought to be Nobel'ed. Nothing less would suffice. He makes me laugh till I ache inside. what is a greater proof. A saturnine personality like me laughing, It is a great achievement, the greatest appreciation. It is easy to be pensive and dark. But silliness, funniness

Shoonya is a paranoid writer succumbing to a rage that may or may not be murderous. He thinks it took forever to make his point. He loves every minute of his sardonic portrayal of life on life’s fringes. And you see him as a modern archetype—a talented, disappointed man surrendering to an anger he cannot govern, an existential blackness he cannot understand.

If I had ever wanted to realize my dream of being a cannibal a la William Golding's "Lord of the Flies", I would most certainly move to Bihar. That place has no respect for anything, anyone. Nothing matters out there. No position, from the chief minister to the Governor, from the teacher to the headmaster is sacred there. All they think is of how to make that next move that hurts someone, somebody's sensibilities. I think I would have to spend a lifetime there to understand what "moves" these men. A state where men and women and children are butchered like livestock. I was moved by every atrocity in Jehanabad, until I got tired of getting "moved". Bihar is something I would never understand. I somehow do not even want to understand, how one can butcher someone and is supported by a community. Manmohan Singh "was" a nice man. He is a tainted man now. Goa. Jharkhand. Bihar. I had had enough. How can you sleep at night. How do you justify yo

Tumse mile, ab lagtaa hai sadiyaan beet gayein, chhoti sii dukaan par, meethi chai aur samose, jis ke bahaane tumhe ghadi bhar dekh lete they, ab bhi hain, par tum nahin aur woh chahat bhi nahin Tu ek hansii khwaab ban ke reh jaa kabhi ret pe tumhaare nishaa dhoondhtaa hoon, raat ko akele nikal jaata hoon, us ek pal ki talaash mein, jo lagtaa hai lehren bahaa ke le gayein apne saath Tu ek hansii khwaab ban ke reh jaa jab hawaa tumhaare baal udaa kar, chhupa leti thii tumhaari aakhein, tumhaari muskuraahat, ab bhi chalti hai, ussi manthar gati se, par ab bas udaati hai ret, aakhon mein aansu laati hai Tu ek hansii khwaab ban ke reh jaa meri awaaz aaj bhi takraa ke laut-tii hai, par nahin sunaayee deti hai tumhaari hansii, bas suntaa hai, to dard ke thapedon ki chaap, aankhein bojhal hain, par neend koson duur khadi hai Tu ek hansii khwaab ban ke reh jaa samajh saktaa huun tumhaara maun, maanaa tum mujhe maaf kar deti ho har baar, chal diyaa hoon main aage, tum bhi badhnaa, par ek iltiza

Yesterday, Dad talked to me for forty minutes. His detailed plan to let me handle some of the family duties makes me feel wanted. I remember when I was 18 and given a lac and half to get the repairs done. I had done commendably then and I will do my best. They are what I live for. I had give everything I have for them. I remember when I was punished in school and I trembled in my nightmares for having done a wrong. Dad would let me sleep in his lap and tell me stories where he had made similar mistakes. Dad is so dadlike. Mom on the other hand, never spared me. Almost never. I remember when i got that high fever of 105F and she sat by me for two continuous days while Dad was away on tour. Sometimes I feel so lucky and sometimes I feel that my parents should have kicked me a bit more. Dad was always so adjusting. Mom was like.... you take Arts. They knew me and I refused to accept that. Literature and Mathematics would have been ideal. Anyhow I did not take that. Dad has asked me to car

I began this weekend with tears and nothing much to look forward to. I was in mourning, as I like to quote the grief, the tragedy I am going through. And then I thought of all the ways I could let go. I thought of Gandhiji's talisman in CBSE books and all the stuff that had made me so strong, some time back. Then I remembered my notes from "The Picture of Dorian Gray" and I did not feel ashamed of what i had done. I could justify to myself, my crooked actions, my unwanted desires. For instance : "When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance." I have decieved myself and now I am decieving others into believing that I had something for her, when in fact, I did not have the guts to say it to her. Is it me, an ignobly timid person, or is it me, the honorable asshole. No idea. Another gem: "Conscience and cowardice are really the same things, Basil. Conscience

I have been mourning all this weekend. I am trying to do something that may just be able to lift my mood. But to no avail. No news has brought cheer to me. And I have finished a lot of books and articles meanwhile. Moreover, the newspapers, The Express and The TOI are completed. Movies are through as well. So is F-1 and so is Anand's domination of Kramnik and Adams. I have trid every trick in the book including talking to relatives and friends and I still feel not so good. I tried sleeping, working and currently am sitting in a games arcade. Gosh. What all people do to get rid of depression. Tom Robbins was right when he said people in "depression" are the most self centered of all people. All I been doing is pandering myself. Now it's Star Wars for me. Let's see how George Lucas fares.

I has started writing this piece a long time back. I had quite spectacular goals for this one. I wanted it to be the best I would ever write. Hindi and Poetry... well I can write in them too... I wrote quite a few stanzas before I left that at my parent's home, thinking that if I were not to read them, I would tend to forget all that made me write it in the first place. But no such luck. Anywayz last night... All this is in addition to what I have written till now.... (not on the net) and I will enable unicode sometime and write that as well...(one of my major aim is to get a complete draft out) "Tu" Tu ek hansii khwaab ban ke reh jaa Tum ek khwaab hi to ho, Aati ho chalii jaati ho, kabhi kabhi ek aah sii chhod jaati ho, bharii sii zindagi ko viiran kar jaati ho Tu ek hansii khwaab ban ke reh jaa In paedon ki pattiyon ki sar-sarahat mein, hansii chaandni mein ek dard jagaati ho, sapnaa dekhtaa hoon ek dhuudhiyaa safed parvat ka, sab taraf ashaar hi ashaar nazar aate hain

A watershed moment in my life. I cried yesterday. I cried like a baby. A long long time, it had been. It does not feel nice to be alive today. I am not in the analysis mode today. I am just stating what I feel and how I feel. I walked alone last night on the empty streets, watching for people. it is infact a strange world at night. And the voice. The Voice, I must say. I somehow reached home and wrote. Something in Hindi. That has happened after a long long time. I wrote poetry. That was rarer still. I could feel tears brimming in my eyes and after I had exhausted my feelings on paper, I let go. I cried and cried. I woke up and cried and been crying since. People in office seem shocked to see me today. I am in my best clothes, all shaved, proper attire, reddened eyes, swollen sockets. I am a scene, as if it's my burial today. An addition to "Tu" resulted. Tu ek hansi khwaab ban ke reh jaa.

Reading "Jitterbug Perfume" has been a nice experience. It's madness and there is a method to that madness. I like the madness and the method as well. Somewhere it says "A person who is depressed is the most self-concious person. He believes in taking care of himself physically and mentally. He is alert to his own needs. Happy looking people are not aware of their own needs." I liked it when I read that. I put the book down and dreamt. It has been a wonderful time, a pitiful time, a time to remember, a time to forget. It has been a wonderful two years of my life and that is what matters. And I have seen people grow and stand up for themselves. I salute them. I take this occasion to salute a mate of mine. IITK-IIMA. A nice chap to core. Loves a gal. Nice gal. I would never have thought that they would not end up together and they are not going to be together. I am so sorry. Ego problems among parents. God. Parents said No!! He, like a nice son, bent to their wish

When it come to saying a definite "yes" or a "no", especially with people, I hardly have a choice. It has been a pain. Saying what I must, is then a necessity. I sometimes choose not to choose. Anywayz. I have had enough rants about myself on this blog. Either it is going to be end of this blog or it is going to be a change in the posts. I have had enough of me. Probably I need to get sober and saner and sit straight. I need to get wiser. Kernel locking is going to be the end of me. Linux Memory fragmentation...ahh!!! Linux sucks when it is pushed. Look at Sol, it's so stable. Anywayz I got to tweak this thing. I am looking forward to reading some cool stuff in times to come.

“I hold it true, whate’er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; ‘Tis better to have loved and lost Than to never have loved at all.” I never thought of it this way, until right now. It was kind of there on my mind, but this person must have been crystal about this.

Because when I see you, each day, I love you more, Today MORE THAN YESTERDAY and much LESS THAN TOMORROW May God hold me guilty of loving you beyond what I was capable of, May you have all the happiness you deserve, May you have all the happiness that I had for myself, May you never have to look back, Don't worry. I will live to see you happy. This too shall pass.

One great comment. Is it about LCM or HCF of emotions in life. Should one live on the highs or the lows. Highs are like violent stabs of energy, jerking you to tearaway speeds. Lows are like purring diesel engines which are "mean" and mean business. So which ones are better to survive on. Opinions don't matter. What matters is what the eyes say.

Too many words are said for the sake of it. This time I just did not say a lot. I did a lot of listening. People opened up their hearts to me. Did I like it? No. They make me aware of how cruel I am to myself. How very small I am, inspite of all the declarations and dedications. How I scurry around, avoiding commitments, searching for excuses and waiting and hoping.. People are taking decisions and not delaying their lives. And me? I am living in hope. I am a wound, a festering, rotten, wound. I am antithesis to all that I say, I think I stand for. I am too small for what I stand for. I deserve nothing more than animosity and indifference that few people have been able to develop for me. But how would I react to it. In the plain old stone way. I think I am a bit stunned by things in life to react fast enough. I think too much, I act a bit too late. So many people have walked by me and I am like the sand which retains their footprints for just enough time. Let me think again. Yesterday

Was I strong enough to say "stay for some more time" when she left with an unshed tear on her lash did I have the courage to hold her hand a little longer when it just slipped away? Was I afraid to bare my soul? to fall truly, madly, deeply in love to let go of all fear and say it all.. to forget all things wise and sane and swim for one moment in the chasm of love one moment lasting forever...

A Thought- "no, I will never regret anything. It happened and I am here as a result of that. What is there to regret. Because everything that ever happened to me, makes me what I am now. And I kinda like the way I am. I'd like to get to know myself better if I happened to meet myself somewhere." Quoted ---- Evil evil grin...

I was reading a blog by Rashmi Bansal. Most of the articles were normal except one. The one which began with a catchline. I may not be able to reproduce it correctly but it goes as "History and Chemistry are important for a friendship". I had to smile and chuckle in my own so very evil way. What about Geography and Economics and Mystery? They might matter as well... And then I happened to be listening to Nusrat's "Mast Nazaron se Allah Bachaye". Aaj ki baat phir nahin hogi, yeh mulakaat phir nahin hogi, Aise baadal to phir bhi aayenge, Aisi barsaat phir nahin hogi, Raat unko bhi yun huaa mehsoos, Jaise yeh raat phir nahin hogi, Ik nazar mud ke dekhne waale, Kyaa yeh khairaat phir nahin hogi, Umr jalwon mein basar ho yeh zaroori to nahin, har sab-e-gham ki sahar hi yeh zaroori to nahin, neend to dard ke bistar pe bhi aa sakti hai, unki aagosh mein sar ho yeh zaroori to nahin, shaikh kartaa hai masjid mein jo sajde, uske sajdon mein asar hi yeh zaroori to nahin, s

Yesterday luxury got to me. A wonderful row house all to myself. All the amenities and cleanliness. God. Wonderful food. Life could have been that way. Had great dreams and it was wonderful while it lasted. With morning, she came back to haunt me. I could not decide in my dream, whether it was her who had left me or if it was me who had failed her. I was perplexed in a dream. Anywayz I woke up puzzled and I reflected on a lot of things. Things said and unsaid. And then it dawned upon me. I would always pose a question to myself whenever I feel like having something and it involved a trade-off. The question is "Is it worth it?".. there can be several ways in which it can be framed. From a question-based to a wish based, from a negative to a positive viewpoint. The thing is .. Does it matter that you can't live without it, does it alter my existence in such a manner to change it for worse or for better. If it comes to that, then let me ask myself that question and respond t

Legend has it that I am an idiot. People say that because when they see me, they see me with loud words, actions that are loud. People think I speak what comes to my mind. One of the greatest things that I have learnt in life is that I would never ever underestimate anyone. Rivals, Enemies, Friends, Family. None. That is probably my biggest learning. That is my only advice. But then you have to avoid letting that get to your brain. I am not going to digress. So I was saying that People think of me as a person who does things on a spur. I never do that. I take pride in that. I believe in being who I am and saying what I feel. So I say what I feel and do what I think. Analysis mode to Action mode. Anywayz, I am writing this amazing piece. Amazing because if I can write what I am thinking, it is going to be good. But I am worried about the drive and the ability to go on and on. Seventeen pages. Introspecting into minds of three friends and analysing them. God. I am a neurotic. At least I

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. ~Author Unknown Maybe part of loving is learning to let go. ~From the television show The Wonder Years It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. ~Colette There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ~M. Kathleen Casey Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear th

It hurts a bit when you realise that life around you, is infact a superset of your own. Almost all people have similar dreams, ideas, notions, feelings and yet everyone feels so special. What would happen to them, if you told them the truth. I would if I would want to hurt them. All these people have these small things special to them, intrinsic to them, that makes them special... that is what they say. I have written enough about how hurtful the world can be and how hurting can I be. It's not about pain and not about glamour. Now it has changed. The rules have changed and the game too. The one permament emotion of the inferior man is fear- fear of unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. - Mencken. Now he things that I am inferior. I am not exactly feeling inferior. I have a belief in my abilities and my work and I know that I will make it eventually. But at what cost? Now I agree with this... "Nothing is to be feared. it is only to be understood - Marie Curie" I am tryin

Home isn't anymore the safe haven. First time ever I had the chance of listening to crap at home. Mom bickered about relatives not responding in kind. Dad bickered about not expecting anything. Dadi went on defending her brood. Gosh. I lost my temper and let my tongue do the talking. First time ever, at home I was introduced to tensions in home. Mom bickered. Dad did too. Dadi did her acts. I had always ignored all this but this time I lost my temper. I did not want to, but something inside me exploded. Probably I am growing up or is it that I understand the circus better now. I blame people for this. I have no role in this. I claim my innocence. People hardly care and it's a fact. People are not that nice after all. It is all individualistic. Even blood relations do not love or like each other a lot. I always had my arms open. Anywayz for them, I will always be the same bhola-bakht kind. If they want to trick me, I will get tricked. If they want to twist me, I will twist