Teens to Toons

I wonder... if my mediocrity defines me... if i need labels... if what i earn defines me... if i take a chance and fail, i had be a loser... if i don't like something, i usually have this guilt... if i can't be someone, why should i be held guilty of not trying... if i give hopes, i have to keep them... if I lie, I would be condemned... if what people think, makes me me... if i don't feelt he drive, i should pull myself up... if i am afraid, i had be too proud to say it... if i feel like saying out loud that i am tired, i had be a ninny... if i don't make it big in life and die like the other millions, it had be a life well spent and not saved... if my work is not seen, i should make it heard... if i don't feel like it, i should let people know... if i dread seeing someone and disappointing them, i should just hope for the best... if lost hopes should be cried for... if... I am just panicking now... everything else is fine...

I think I need to keep working harder... so that it gets me someplace where i had intended to be. So i have to work harder and smarter Work work work

I lost a friend... to death.. I remember him and I will for a long time to come... but I wonder... who will after i have and all other who knew him will be gone... why does that happen.. he did not even get his chance.. So I better take it when i have the time to... Isn't that an intelligent decsion... remember "Finding Forrester"... Run

Marriages, Engagements, Babies... No particular order but they seem to be cluttering my schedules here. I see brothers and sisters, even some nieces and nephews, some uncles and aunts involved in these activities. Everyone has a tale to tell. They ask me and I have none, just blanks and painful silences dot our conversation. I was not so long back. Maybe the biggest chatterbox when I could afford it. Now there is this distance. I pray for a cousin of mine to get well. She had an accident and fighting for her life and when I saw her, I just could not recognize her, all bandaged and bruised, half paralysed for life. I pray and I wonder what should I pray for, her life or her ..... I leave it to you God, to do the best, you can...

Chapter 1 It’s usually a double life, a whacked up life, struggling to piece together times from different periods in my life. Separating friends and family, juggling responsibilities and stolen moments, savoring those small indiscretions, always a smile, no invectives and indecencies. That’s how it is at home. I stopped at about four. There has been too much stuff piling on my desk these days and it occupies not so much of my desk as it occupies my mind. I usually stop when I am tired and that is how it has always been. However I always feel pretty guilty stopping working and can’t sleep for another hour till it just happens to me. Getting into the balcony without making too much noise, I can make out the skyline and those intermittent sparkling of lights playing in the air as if spotting something out in the still dark night. I thought about the visual search engine and wondered of how I used to think of Google as the nice guys on the block. I used to find their meteoric rise comfort...

Shrek….. seen it….rich heroine… ugly hero…. Topsy turvy story…. Yet a hit…point being… almost everyone we know doesn’t like the way they look..to varying degreees…probably see themselves as shrek… everyone fancies themselves as the underdog…the one who gets bitched about behind their backs… everyone is alone… yet together ..becasue we all think exactly the same….. as far as looks go that some people tend to think of it a lot more often than most…and a lot more often than we probably need to…. I am ugly… I cant figure how….(cause I kinda like my face when I look at it in the mirror …. Occasionally… I hate it at times…true….but I like it at times….it aint that bad ) … now the point isn’t that im not good looking..the point is that…I “think” im not good looking …and I let it keep me from doing so much that I shud….. I am simply not strong enough to reconcile with it and move on….while my dad…. (from whom I take my looks) is pretty cool abt it…now if he is pretending..he does a very good...

I was wondering about how to take rejection in life. I have this problem with inability to accept rejection. Recently I have been kicked in a couple of interviews and this makes me pretty mad at myself. I have been angry and because I had been hopeful, I was rolling in my own misery. Sleeping for 15 to 24 hours has been making me feel dreadful about myself. I think a depression is imminent and All i need is a good achievement, to get out of the rot. It was not that bad until it turned into mania... I just need a good thing to happen to me...

In life... sometimes people need to look at what happened and why? But sometimes people should just let the fuck that happened happen. Let go. The anger is sometimes tremendously exciting. That animalistic feeling is very enervating, very tragic actually. Somehow I feel, life cannot give me what I want. Life is not good enough, honest enough, loving enough to give me what I want. So what do I do? All that I can do is snatch it, take it away from life. How does one know what one wants and how much he wants it? Its about the things one is willing to give up and as a result forego in life to have it his way. This life will not end in a manner that had look like a failure to me. This life will see me willing to end it in a manner I see befitting. This life will see... just what and where I take it.

The last time I had slept twenty hours on the trot was when I messed up.Now I think after rejecting Standard Chartered, Price Waterhouse Coopers and Dr Reddy's, I have messed up again. But anyhow it won't matter after life has ended. This mistake won't endure after I am gone.I had wanted to write for a long time, long long time but it makes no love to me anymore. Infact it looks back at me and laughs at me. Laughs at me for the sole reason that I am not fidel to it.Long times, lost times, madness, coolness have left me and All I do is pretend. All my business ideas lie rotten, hating me in the silence, mouthing unheard obscenties for the lack of courage that I have shown, even after they have revealed themselves to me.I want to have the courage to make it upto them. I love you... my ideas.. you are ones which distinguish me from the masses. You are my children, you are my hope.Don't desert me ever.

Forgive them for what they are For what they did, and what they din For they are but the prisoners of their minds Chained in their own realms of shortsightedness Their shackles defined by selfishness and I Leashed by the vicious web they spew and spurn Like a deadly spider that kills its goodness with venom Like the scorpion that bites and stings its own tail But thou art not the scorpion, the spider, the snake Thou art the bird that perches high On the wings of forgiveness and rectitude Let their sting not poison thee Or shackles of malice chain thy hope For thou must do what thou must Open thy arms, embrace the evil Like sunlight that would cut the cloud And embrace all that's dark and dull The sun that fears not the blisters But shines bright with all its strength The rain that cares not where it falls Or how it soothes the thankless soul The lotus that remains unblemished with time And carries not the scars with it What binds the patriot and the rebel Is their fight for the per...

Life brings us presents... Pleasant and Unpleasant. I had be the last person to say that life has been good to me, it has been a great journey. But rightnow, I see people in pain, people for whom i had give my life and people who mean to me more than anyone ever. But I can't do nothing. Sometimes you have to watch them bleed and all you can do is say something which means nothing and helps them no way. The sadness makes me a bit down, but I will deal with it in the sam manner as I do with life's miseries... with laughter. It is going to be a significant year for me. It is going to be a good year for me. I found a lot of things to depend on. A beautiful Relationship, though not yet complete and not tested. But still, hope beckons timidly. In life, one gets to face the betrayals and tragedies with a brave grin sometimes. Nana passed away. I love you and remember you with great affection. I still see you sometimes in my dreams. Nani, Get well soon. Hope, Hope, Hope.

A lot of sleep and some crazy mathematics.A lot of orange juice and too little food. Seems like yesterday when I defined the "Golden Rules" which I hadnever break, come what may. It seemed like crystallizing lessonslearnt from life. It seemed like I had all of it formulated. It seemedlike I had stand alone while others whithered. It seemed likehappiness to know where and what one stood for and what was worthfalling for. Too many falls later, here I stand acknowledging a grudge againstlife. Very few things mattered and they all mattered like hell. Someother things mattered as well. But eventually they all let go of me,or rather I let go of them. Seems like meandering the course of life.But this time the rant is much more deserved. I was talking to someone yesterday and they came to ask me, why did ittake me to say all the "norm" things. I wondered aloud, "norm". Sayswhom? Relationships are about getting the other person to respond in away you want them to, ...

Aur haan bhosad sale ...madarchod sale...haan tujhe hi keh raha hoon...tum sale kaam kis liye karte ho gaandu....naam kamane keliye...agar haan to phir bahut hi dukh ki baat hai...hum log ek saathkaam karte the galaxy mein...aur ek saath gaand todvate the.....jahan tak main tujhe jaanta that tu aisa nahin hai...abka pata nahinmujhe...aur Madhur ne kitna kaam kiya hai who hi jaanta hai.....saale aur baat batao.......har aadmi ke liye kaam bane hote hain ...madhur didhis job where he had t...just that he did not had his fingers cut andwhatsoever doesn't mean he is an person whom you should not treat as ahuman being...Seekh jao sale doosron ko bhi ek insaan ki tarah treat karne ka....nahin to khud bhi dukhi rahoge aur doosron ko bhi dukhi rakhoge

It has been a long time, since I feel you have been out in the open with not a thing on your mind. Does not it feel like ages? It has been quite some time when you have woken up and feeling your hair all moist and smelling sickly sweet from a night of almost no dreams. It seems like yesterday and it isn't. It has been ages. That is what you were, and this is what you are now. Take a moment off and hazard a guess. Why? Don't ever do that. Introspect if need be, never because it had be fun. Infact it can kill you... sometimes I mean. When life takes away things, or so we like to call it.. It gives us a void, that we unnecessarily try to fill. Something that might be totally inadequate, like square pegs in circular holes. That has happened over time, but do not despair, for it happens to all. Another aspect of you is regret. Regret what could have been, not how?The how part is cumbersome to deal with. Not troublesome but cumbersome. Bearing the burden of regret, you have walked, d...

There has always been a time when we think of "what if". There should always be moments in life about which we have to know and think, seldom, in retrospect, about what if? Thats ok, as long as it does not take control of our lives. Thats ok as long as life does not circle aimlessly around forever till eternity. There can be many what ifs, but still if it comes to me, there will be one which reminds me of the stupidity in ego-bred individuals like me. I was sitting across this very charming lady and I ask her places to go in a particular city. She tells me about the pubs and discotheques and such and such. And I lie there thinking of those. And then I go to them, with friends, alone, in groups... and then she years later, calls up and says why did you not go out with me? And was I shocked? I was rocked. Since then, it has been a what if moment. A true classic what if moment.

I..... I am moving out of my comfort zone. I have decided not to be an academic focussed person. Now lets get down to the murkier parts of life. Life where things are not just self-decided. They do not depend on how hard you work, how much effort you put in, how much of those grey cells you have and are willing to kill. It just does not matter what you have, what matters is how much can you show, how much can you forego, how much can you forgive and how much well can you pretend. Life is worth living. I have been duped and dumped. A silly dame tells me that I ain't good enough for her, when I did never ask her for anthing. I have been made to feel bad. I have been made to beg for forgiveness, when I did nothing wrong. I have been made to do a lot of things that ain't in my comfort zone. I was not in my comfort zone. Now I am changing the gears. Lets assume, there is something to lose. Lets assume. Those who know me, know that I ain't afraid of losing things in life. That i...

I had be the first person to accept that I am imperfect... I had tell you my faults... I had be the one to try not to be imperfect... But in life, I have failed miserably to trod the path I have set for myself. I can cry and wail, but I won't do that. Between Rationality and Idealism, I am stuck and I make choices that I regret. My relationships have been a disaster. Never I have been good at making the other people happy. Never have I been able to make them mine, in a way that I would have wanted to. Mebbe something lacks in me. Something really does. But I exist and there I am alive. Help me God make the right choices. I beg of you. I beg tonight.

In times of strife... I have been working harder.. thinking harder.. taking a lot of criticism in my stride... it has been a trying time... it has been a tough time... people have been insensitive, upright obscene... but I have been keeping cool... and in Europe, it has been tougher with no one to talk to... Keeping it in place... keeping it slow and cool.. lazing around... The motto can be... "Just keep it going, while I am alive.." Love me, I want to live on... Some lines while I am here.... Still ALIVE...

Being a dick isn't easy... One has to swallow a lot of pride and emotions to be one... In fact playing any role of a human is kinda difficult, if one wants to be perfect. Messing things up the right way, like one can't unscramble scrambled eggs.. is the way to go... then one has to stand there and watch it all happen and keep saying sorry. That's the beauty of the entire thing. Being a dick... it has a beauty. You stand there and make yourself so very visible... just like one is inside the jeans... that one has to just open up their mouth and squirt... Being a dick... ahh and ohhs of life make perfect sense, if one starts to imagine being a dick. Dickiness is infact a way of life. It can be a religion. Mebbe I can start it. Mebbe I had be the one, perfect for it. Dickiness... leads to a better life, a perfect harmony between nature and oneself. So here is one to being a dick... aloha