Teens to Toons

This is the longest time i have been away from the blog. Curious things have happened in this time. Have made lots of resolutions and failed to keep them. I don't know whats happening but a certain rot has set in. I just to let go of this inertia and move on. Yesterday i made a bold move and it hurts. It hurts a lot. Koi na. Dekha jaayega.

मेरे दर्द पे वाह-वाह करते हैं वोह लगता था कि उसके आने से सब्र टूटेगा बस कुछ न, कम से कम एक दम देखेंगा सही, लेकिन बदला ना, दगाबाज़ निकला

अब और दर्द कि दुआ करूँ, जिस्म-ऐ-जूनून में है वहीँ रहे होश भी ना आए इस ख़याल से, ले चल जहाँ तू मिल जाए मुझे

इतना चाहा ना करो, कि परेशान रहो तुम्हारे आगोश में नहीं गुज़र अपना उसने बनाया है, चाहा भी होगा, अपने हाथों में लेकर, दर्द-ओ-दवा भी देगा

सिखाया ही नहीं किताबों ने कभी, कि कैसे निकलते हैं इस जलवे से जालिम बस कहते रहे कि बच के रहो, दूर रहो, और उस्सी किताब में लिखा किसा लैला-मजनू का

दर्द लिख देता हूँ स्याही से अब तक ना ठीक ना खतम ही हुआ बहुत परेशान रहे हो तुम, कि बिना नागा भरते दवात बस इतनी कि ना दुबूँ मैं और ना ही साँस ले सकूँ

तोड़ दो मुझे, टूट के भी नहीं मानूंगा तेरी खुदाई चल दिए हो मोड़ के मुहं, नहीं बर्दाश्त तेरी जुदाई कुछ इस तरह से अब ठान लिया है, कि इंतज़ार रहेगा उस जनम का, जब हम खुदा, तुम सनम पेश आओगे

I feel empty. I feel raw. I feel rotten. I feel like not feeling.I have nothing to show, if someone to ask me about what I have achieved in my stay on this planet. Nothing.what is a few flirtations with literature, knowledge, pain and sweat.No blood. No tears. No medallions. No gallantry.Ah! I am disgusted with myself for being so ordinary.I deserve the void for I do not work half as hard as I could.I am wasting my life.

It was always about dreams. Some had died, some were dying and yet they kept me alive. Feeding me the desire and passion and the need to persevere, they should have died with me. Dreams. And then you know that some of them have to pass away unknowing, unspoken. Not even whispers. Silence in their deaths. did they deserve this, they could have died earlier. Do they even deserve mourning? I wonder if people can let something so unreal live on for so long. Its about dreams and even in silence, they should be mourned. They should be mourned for they defined me once and have shaped me, the way I am in a thousand different small ways.

अब अगर आओ तो जाने के लिए मत आना सिर्फ अहसान जताने के लिए मत आना मैंने पलकों पे तमन्‍नाएँ सजा रखी हैं दिल में उम्‍मीद की सौ शम्‍मे जला रखी हैं ये हँसीं शम्‍मे बुझाने के लिए मत आना प्‍यार की आग में जंजीरें पिघल सकती हैं चाहने वालों की तक़बीरें बदल सकती हैं तुम हो बेबस ये बताने के लिए मत आना अब तुम आना जो तुम्‍हें मुझसे मुहब्‍बत है कोई मुझसे मिलने की अगर तुमको भी चाहत है कोई तुम कोई रस्‍म निभाने के लिए मत आना

आज थोड़ा थका सा लग रहा है। पता नहीं क्योँ, इसमे ऐसा कुछ है जो अजीब सा है। लेकिन बस अजीब है। यह वक्त थोड़ा रुका सा हुआ है। कुछ हो नहीं रहा है और उमीदें इतनी है की बस पूछो मत। क्योँ है क्या है यह पूछने का वक्त नहीं है और अगर पूछों अपने आप से तो काफ़ी डर भी लगता है। डर इसका नहीं है की नहीं मिलेगा या नहीं होगा। डर इस बात का कि इसके बाद लड़ने का मन करेगा कि नहीं। यह तो अजीब सी बात हुई न आख़िर मेरे जैसे लोगों के लिए। लेकिन बस अब ठान लूँगा और करने की सोच के भिड जाने को जी चाहता है। कहना भी बहुत मुश्किल है। समझाने का तो बस सब्र ही नहीं है। बहुत लोगों को बहुत बार यह कह के टाल दिया है कि काम है लेकिन कई बार ख़ुद को भी नहीं समझा पाता। एक लगता है कि बस समय कि बर्बादी है जो इतना वक्त इतना अछा समय दे रहा हूँ। बस हर पल एक घुटन है और एक बहुत रुकी हुई सी खामोशी। कई बार सोचा है कि क्या येही है जो मैं करना चाहता हूँ या कोई और मंजिल भी होगी। इस हफ्ते बहुत से लोग निकल गए हैं दुनिया देखने और में सिर्फ़ इन् चार दीवारों में एक एहसास एक ख्वाब टटोल रहा हूँ। पता नहीं यार, बस इतना गज़ब ना ढहाना कि बहुत तमन्नाओं का ख...

आज बहुत कुछ कहने के लिए बैठा हूँ बहुत दिनों के बाद। अब सोचता हूँ की कुछ कहने के लिए बचा ही नहीं। लेकिन अभी नहीं कहा ना तो कभी नहीं कह पाऊँगा। शायद याद ही न रहे, और अगर रहा भी तो शायद इस तरह न रहे जैसा अभी है। कुछ तो है जो इस जिंदगी में मैं समझ नहीं पा रहा हूँ, कुछ है जो कहने को बैठा हूँ तो कह नहीं पा रहा हूँ । कई बार जिंदगी में कुछ चाहा है इतनी शिद्दत से, इतनी चाहत से। कई बार छु कर निकल गए हैं वोह पल जिन्हें हम पाने की चाह रखते थे। कई बार ऐसे तपाक से कहना की बस अगला अवाक रह जाए। यह भी नहीं होता अब मुझसे, बहुत सोच के, बहुत परेशान हो के, बहुत संकोच के साथ कहता हूँ आजकल। पहला वाला पागलपन नहीं है और वोह महसूस करने का जज्बा भी शायद नहीं बचा । तुम न हँसे हो, जग तो हँसे है, तुम जो हंसो तो जुलुम होए जाए है आज बहुत तपाक से याद आए तुम। अच्छा लगा जो कभी किसी ने ख़ुद कहा। शायद पहले मैं सुन ही नहीं पाटा था अपनी जिंदगी की उधेड़ बुन में । और अब बस कोई ऐसे ही कुछ कह देता है तो अच्छा लगता है। तपाक से। इस हफ्ते कुछ अजीब सा रहा कुछ याद आना। एक सिरहन सी दौड़ गयी बदन अपनी एक ख्वाहिश को सोच कर कि क्या मैं य...

For lack of better titles, lets keep it really formal. Bahut kuchh kehne ko hai. Bahut kuchh hai, bahut bahut hai. Koi sunne wala nahin hai. Iska bhi koi gham nahin hai ki koi sunnewaala nahin. I am working through one of the most exciting parts of my life, professionally and I know it will never be the same again, So am smiling through the nights and early mornings. Savoring them like the last drops of rain. I have been saving so many things I have beenw anting to write. But right now nothing takes control except the one thing that gives my life a definition and a meaning. You know sometimes I just wake up int he middle of the nigth and wonder, wonder why it could not be more normal. What would that give me. Then I realized under different circumstances everytime, that it my way, my art of living and thats what makes me me. I am subservient to no one, nothing precedes me, nothing lives after me and thats just me, quintessentially me. All I want to say is that after a long long time, i...

It seems like life is a joke. I can still imagine .. Veernala standing there laughing, trying to catch the train after it had left. Veernala was well different. Rest in Peace, my friend. The most I will remember you from that painful stay in Chennai was your laugh. When you saw me eating pappu and I don't remember what all. It was just funny to be sitting there in Andhra Mess, all sweaty and laughing over food. It was fun while it lasted. I remember how you fought your way to Ghee Pongal. I did not knowm uch about you, except that we were made of stronger fiber, but somehow it doe snot seem that we had last. I remember the talks and the walks. And your concept of fashion was really fashion. A salut to a life well lived, a short but nonetheless worth it. Chao Dude.

Goli khaane ke baad, Ek ke muh se nikla Ram, Doosre ke muh se nikla Mao, Teesre ke muh se nikla Aloo. Post-mortem ki report yeh kehti hai, Ki pehle do ke pet bhare hue the. Sarveshwar Dayal Saxena of "Kaanch ki bund khidkiyon ke peeche"

I feel like running away. Infact I am running away in a few hours.When I left home to create my own perfect new world, I was so sure of the way things will turn out be. And I often end up creating only the a slow lazy solitude with a eerie silence engulfing my thoughts. I am torn emotionally, for my heart and my mind agree and yet I do not settle the scores. Ever seen anyone you love hang between the two hells. I have been sitting in ICU's and waiting rooms for the past nine days. The pretense that I care has gone too far. I mean I know it can only end one way and still for the person you love most, you do as they would like it. You talk of things that you think they had want to hear. you dig this one small hole and watch them from there. My Dadi is a godly person. Since 1938, she has woken up at 4 and worshipped God. Thats a crazy 70 years. She has been on a ventilator for the past nine days. I wish I could count the number of tubes she is on. She has had a full life and yet. I me...

शब्दों पे क्या फक्र करूं जब दुआओं में ही असर नहीं कुछ कहने को हैं मचल रहे पर सुनते कोई खुदा नहीं करनी पे क्या फक्र करूं जब होते सभी गुनाह सही इधर लूट कर उधर काट कर दो गज़ कपड़े का इन्तेजाम नहीं रिश्तों पे क्या फक्र करूं जब अपना कोई सगा नहीं कहने को सब हैं अपने पर सुनता कोई सदा नहीं

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा तुम एक ख्वाब ही तो हो आती हो चली जाती हो कभी कभी एक आह सी छोड़ जाती हो भारी सी इस ज़िंदगी को वीरान कर जाती हो तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा इन पेडों की पत्तियों की सर-सराहट में हँसी चांदनी में एक दर्द जगाती हो सपना देखता हूँ एक दूधिया सफ़ेद पहाड़ का, और सब तरफ़ अशार ही अशार नज़र आते हैं इस स्याही से तुम्हारे बदन पर अपने निशां छोड़ जाऊं और अपने शब्द तुम्हे उडहा के, करूं विदा तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा सात घंटे बीते हैं तुम्हे गए हुए कुछ दो घंटे और दे गयी हो मुझे कुछ पल उजड़े से यहीं पड़े हैं और एक वह जो मैंने मुट्ठी में जकडा हुआ है तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा आज अकेले बैठे ही अनायास ही तुम याद आए सब तरफ़ एक हँसी खुशबू सी थी लगा तुम यहिओं कहीं हो, और आंसू उमड़ आए इतना प्यार न करो मुझसे, कि सह न सकूंगा, और 'गर करो तो रखना विश्वास और मत गिनना यह पल तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा यह समय तुम्हारे लिए, मेरे लिए, अकेलेपन में बिताये हुए पल, वक्त के खंडहर में, कुछ उजड़े साल, पुकारते हैं तुम्हे, तुम्हारे एहसास को आतुर, और अब बीत रहे हैं, कि कल कुछ न रहेगा तुम मेरे पल ले ल...

Let me say this now, for i might not say it then, When you come to me, asking for the time above I had wait for you to say, I had wait that you may, what i fear is not you stopping to love me but I stopping to love you It seems heartless to imagine that but what about the time I spent wanting to be nothing but just around its a dulling ache and a filling wound

Aaj bas baithe baithe mood off ho gayaa... bas aise hi...

XXXXXX XXXXXXX ... the name used to spell awe and terror once upon a time. It still does. Seldom before would God have created such a terrific mix of talent, passion, attitude, genius, idiosyncracy and sadism. The guy with an expert opinion and deep knowledge on almost everything under the sun - be it table tennis or be it kurosawa movies, be it freud or be it kafka. This man taught me so much about life. He is a loyal friend but beware of his hacking skills. For 4 years, he hacked the email account of each n every girl in IIT and provided us with unforgettable moments of cheap fun. He is the guy if you want to go to canteen at 3 in the night, or if you want to share your sorrows over whiskey and jagjit singh ghazals, or if you want to rag the freshers. I would still say, I understand hardly 40-50% of him. He continues to be a mystery. We had lots of fun in Inter IIT sports meets - abusing other IITs, eveteasing the girls of other IITs and what not. Is photo mein surprisingly kaafi inn...

Am home... on account of my mother having fractured her hand... Now the funny part is coming home... When you leave home... your identity is packe din bags and cartons and shelved. When you come home, you find all things .. old and musty... in cartons... and if you open one... ahh the memories they come flooding back... the old newspapers in which you got published, the table tennis rubbers you won tournaments with, the letters, the flowers, the hankerchiefs... the broken pens, the old reports, the fiery ideas, old business plans, the diaries and journals... the penknives, the plaster-of-paris items, the photographs.. Then there is this comp.. A vintage 1999, 733 Mhz Pentium III... converted to a cluster (married to an older computer..sister's.. 1997 Pentium II 350 Mhz).. dual boot, running linux and windows... Ahh this computer.. it made me alivbe... the hacks i did.. the pranks i did... the hours i spent on it.. laboring though linux codes... those beautiful emacs windows... and ...

Have you ever been in a car, all thoughtful... and then suddenly you find yourself veering away to the other lane... and someone honking madly ... aiming for your throat. That is what happened to me in life generally.. I started slowly and then I flourished and slowly it began to make unsustainable demands on my time and I curtailed them one by one... thinking I was making a sane decision. And then One day i found I had left everything behind... Now its no more me... its tiem to reinvent... Chalo koi naa... Aapne agar Jodhaa Akbar dekhii ho ... kaise dekhenge.. abhi release nahin huee... Kal raat humne premiere dekhaa Jodhaa Akbar ka. One of my clients gave me couple of tickets to that movie. A four hour non-stop nothing movie. I mean, it had no issues. Things weren't really bad. Don't you people reading this get mad at me for finding the movie good. The last movie I liked was "Jab We Met". I went in with zero expectations. Especially as I had seen one Kareena Kapoor ...

I have realized something ... today I have been cribbing about life for the past year.. as is evident from my blog... I have been cribbing a lot... blaming things here and there for not working out... And I have realized that it is my stupidity... it is my fault that I have not kept myself totally immersed into what I have been doing... or maybe I am not doing what i want well enough or maybe I am not doing what I want... Whatever it is .. the fault is within me and the solution too... So a time to change perspective and a time to change for the better... So Cheers to a new life and a better life and a better struggle... and Once I had said.. its the path of the struggle and style of the struggle ... that matters and not the end... and I have relearnt that.. and all I ask from God is that I want to have that style and vigour to keep on going... So cheers again... And to those silent few who keep coming to my unknown blog... Thanks...

When things go wrong as they sometimes will, When the road you are trudging seems all uphill, When the funds are low and the debts are high, And you want to smile, but you have to sigh. When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest, if you must, but do not quit. Life is queer with its twists and turns, As everyone of us sometimes learns, And many a failure turns about, When he might have won had he stuck it out. Don't give up though the pace seems slow - You may succeed with another blow. Success is failure turned inside out, The silver tint of the clouds of doubt. And you never can tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems so far. So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit - It's when things seem worst that you must not quit. Author Unknown

Slept late that night... after having watched "before sunset" and felt like life was going no where... bad dreams and worse... Woke up to my room mate.. frantic... Business Standard Screams "Derivatives Banned by RBI". I was like... let me sleep over this bad dream.. two years of an MBA spent over hope of derivatives. Fighting it out in the mind and placements as well. Refusing good offers for a good profile... and it ends up as being a non-happening field... Came to office.. and no work... no clients calling in... and then Mom calls up.. saying Dad ka accident ho gayaa hai... kuchh karo... Dad apparently called up and told that he was in an accident and then the phone got disconnected. Sat there on the edge of my chair... for three hours waiting for any response from Dad... waiting with my credit card in hand and the web site open... A number of feelings... An introspection into what is important and what is not... A feeling of waste... Finally Dad came home, not a...

If ever Govt of Maharashtra imposes a congestion tax, i am going to supremem court to ask them to pay the local travellers, a rebate in income tax, for bearing the ignominy of travelling in that tin. The top ten things I like about Bombay Locals - - Free Body Massage - Free Foot Massage - Crushed Shirts (In sync with fashion) - One is forced keep themselves clean and smelling nice (One has to smell the odor of their Deodorants, while smelling their armpits, just to avoid other nice smelling people) - Free Face Scrubbing from people's butt (in case you are lucky to be sitting) - One has to keep fit while trying to get in and out (both are different techniques and take time to master) - One learns never to board Virar local - If one is gay, he is pretty comfy. One does not have to pretend no tto be touching, everything you have is touching spmething that someone has. - There is complete lack of sexual moves (No women, so it keeps men to themselves and harmless) - You get to know how ...

Yet another year is over, and so much has happened since then. It is strange when you look back, you seem to see so many things that would never make sense to you, so many things you disagree with, so many things that change the person that you are. Anyway, talking straight has never been my forte, and here I am on the last day of the year, still confused and trying to figure out a way in life, still wondering what to do in this long journey. For some inexplicable reason, blogging has suffered. It reminds me of how little I write these days. Yes, I would attribute it to a rather busy schedule. Somewhere down the line, lethargy crept in, the brain refused to think, the fingers refused to type, and here I lie in my room looking up at the ceiling and trying to collect the bunch of thoughts. Well, what more, here I was thinking of what else to write when these bunch of thoughts popped up randomly. Call it one of those monologues I often have with me. So how old will you be this year? Too o...

I lost today for another battle galores For a moment I had forgotten sum of all my fears I lost today to a ghost, long gone I heard while it spoke but it was all too foreign I lost today On the slopes of slippery hills those intermittent salty rivers brought me down all sad But, I lost today I know