I feel like running away. Infact I am running away in a few hours.When I left home to create my own perfect new world, I was so sure of the way things will turn out be. And I often end up creating only the a slow lazy solitude with a eerie silence engulfing my thoughts. I am torn emotionally, for my heart and my mind agree and yet I do not settle the scores. Ever seen anyone you love hang between the two hells. I have been sitting in ICU's and waiting rooms for the past nine days. The pretense that I care has gone too far. I mean I know it can only end one way and still for the person you love most, you do as they would like it. You talk of things that you think they had want to hear. you dig this one small hole and watch them from there.
My Dadi is a godly person. Since 1938, she has woken up at 4 and worshipped God. Thats a crazy 70 years. She has been on a ventilator for the past nine days. I wish I could count the number of tubes she is on. She has had a full life and yet. I mean, I had expect an easier death. A death, simpler and faster. What do I say? Its rotten Gods and Godliness. There is nothing to the concept of God. Its just a concept.
Death. It had been a very vulgar concept and in some ways it has changed what i feel. it seems like a desirable thing now in circumstances when you can't do and when prayers go unanswered. Maybe god does not listen to fools like me, but then there are better people around and they deserve to be listened. So God, you seem less likely every day.
My Mom and Dad have decided on standing by and fighting it on their own terms. They have surprised me with their stubbornness. Dad is not dealing with it well. He is in his thoughts and he is sometimes full of regrets. His eyes say them all. Mom on the other hand, while complaining about her hand and health is working harder. She had be sighing yet the food would be there and so would all the things that you need. They have bettered themselves with the single minded dedication and made me wonder if all the intellectual masturbation I do, if that is worth it, if thats the way to go. They sincerely are better people than I can ever be. and Dad says so will I be, once I know what it means to love unconditionally. So there is hope.
My Dadi is a godly person. Since 1938, she has woken up at 4 and worshipped God. Thats a crazy 70 years. She has been on a ventilator for the past nine days. I wish I could count the number of tubes she is on. She has had a full life and yet. I mean, I had expect an easier death. A death, simpler and faster. What do I say? Its rotten Gods and Godliness. There is nothing to the concept of God. Its just a concept.
Death. It had been a very vulgar concept and in some ways it has changed what i feel. it seems like a desirable thing now in circumstances when you can't do and when prayers go unanswered. Maybe god does not listen to fools like me, but then there are better people around and they deserve to be listened. So God, you seem less likely every day.
My Mom and Dad have decided on standing by and fighting it on their own terms. They have surprised me with their stubbornness. Dad is not dealing with it well. He is in his thoughts and he is sometimes full of regrets. His eyes say them all. Mom on the other hand, while complaining about her hand and health is working harder. She had be sighing yet the food would be there and so would all the things that you need. They have bettered themselves with the single minded dedication and made me wonder if all the intellectual masturbation I do, if that is worth it, if thats the way to go. They sincerely are better people than I can ever be. and Dad says so will I be, once I know what it means to love unconditionally. So there is hope.
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