Skip to main content

Goa-a retrial

It was me at my sour best. I had all the revulsion for myself. I had the poison in me at it's poisonous best. Taj Aguada had it's moments. Every moment spent there reminded me of something that was not there. It made me unhappy. It made me pathetic. Yet, right now I feel fine. I can say with courage that I am sad, that I miss her, that I need her, that the more she is away the more she makes me feel want her.
Then this cousin of mine, blamed me all the way for not committing to her. She said that "she" was not at fault at having gotten married. That was well not that palatable to me.
Goa was nice. Yes it was. Times had me sulking, but I lazed in the dark in the waters. It was no doubt making me a bit afraid. But who is afraid of dark and depths? At least these days.
I came back and read something. It made me feel better. I am going to achieve a lot... I had put a lot of things on the backburner for things that had to be achieved.
It's gonna be literature full time. I am going to come on hard at myself. I am going to be real hard on me.
I should be. I have to be my master. I smiled a lot today. I made lot of good conversation with "normal" people. They were pretty amazed. After a year here, I heard compliments "you are pretty warm".. "we always thought you were distant".. hehe.. welll was not that true. I am changing. I just need to see her once. Well isn't that asking a lot.
I don't know and I don't care. I am not at all afraid of anything. I am going to be cheerful and I am going to laugh out loud. I am going to make it worth it.
Anywayz.. One more thing that's bothering me. Puchee is moving out... He is going home. Finally...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Raizada Heritage Fund and Trip to Woodlands

I have a confession to make. We don’t have a sofa at home. We seriously don’t.. Over the last two years, whenever Vartika has broached the touchy topic of a Sofa buy, I have ended up doing rants on how the money saved on not buying a Sofa would be able to feed us for a month, in case startup went bust. (And no, I was not counting on dumb UPA government allowing Sharad Pawar to make billions running amok on the vegetable and cereals market and looting us. In that case, count that sum to last for mere 15 days. That rant is for a separate day) Imagine a 30-40k sofa and me eating it, like the borers mostly do. Tough to imagine and sad to think of. So I return to the sofa tales. Vartika knew I had make her do with those mattresses. You know how dumb I am, relentlessly pointless. Unfortunately I ran into an Ariean, and that too my Mom. She looked at me and the mattresses and then again at me, and I went ballistic. From the sensibility of an accountant, to the eruditeness of an economist (De...
Post a Comment
Read more

Can life teach?

It actually began, quite reluctantly. Unnecessary as it may seem, life teaches you what you allow it to teach. Even Life cannot teach you what it offers you. One has to let himself dissolve into the experience and let it sink in, and that I might call religion or education. Whatever the other person is willing to accept. Nay. Does it matter? Nay. Life is about teaching oneself. Being a self-thought-taught "person", picking up bits and pieces from various experiences, I tread on a path; I have myself laid out for myself. Never have I asked, in other words, begged for words, from "messiahs". Never did I think myself of having enough virtue, call it patience, to learn from others. So "rich" were my experiences. Things change, dynamically. Responding to an open question, throwing caution to the winds, I immersed myself into a debate, with people who thought, had streamlined their thinking apparatus and abilities. Gradually, they pestered; read "lee...
3 comments
Read more

Time for Retrospection

Withered away, the burning heat of the day Evening silently soaked the heat within Wearing the diamonds came the night O’ Soul why are you silent, smile!! Three things have affected me lately. Hope, fear and death. Silently they walked past me in the night and left me awake. Gasping for breath, a parched throat and burning eyes. These days have been gloomy because days are heavy with tension. Work and nothing else. I need to relax and let the natural “me” take over. But it does not happen. Rather I cannot let that happen. Reading a lot these days has been a need. A need because I need to exist in an unreal world where I can be what I want to be. It would be difficult to be that in the real world. I even pretend to dream these days. Pretense has become my entire life. Every moment of my life is “pretending” to be me. I am doing it for the fact that people might not recognize the “real” me if I were to show them who I am. Living a life where everything is drive...
2 comments
Read more