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Kismet...

As I reach out for my twelveth fag tonite,I realise how much this need for smoke has become pivotal to my existence. These curls of smoke help blur my vision of walls around me,the stuff that they are made of. Chasing dreams,I unconsciously wove a surreal web around me and I seek happiness, a transient one.

A year back,I landed here with a desire and umpteen ambitions to create my mark. Juvenile and vivacious, I gave my mind, heart and soul to the dream I nurtured. And was I rewarded- I climbed up the corporate ladder at an envious pace,made formidable contacts,lead a glamour tinted existence,built impressive bank balance,talked business over endless cocktail parties,but somewhere down the line,lost connection with the guy who was part of me for the previous 22 years of my life. He was an 'emotional one'-that's what someone called him fondly,with a heart as sublime as morning dew on fragile flowers. Years of manic paced timeline based struggle has lent my soul hues I detest-am self centric,narcissistic n brutal. I survive on weaving illusions for you, you fall for my sycophancy.

I desperately try to chase completeness, the totality that spirituality preaches. I need my share of pleasure,be it a delusion,I dont really care a heck!

Yet I havent lost touch with myself,I seek love,I crave for love. Nostalgia is a bitter sweet pill u know!

I ve walked too far into unknown destinations and oddly enough I dont suffer from guilt pangs. Every strange visage will probably have same story to tell,same chapters through their history.

I want to feel the serenity of pure sky above but my vision only ambles along the innumerable sky rocketing man made wonders,I feel asphyxiated sometimes.Thats when I turn to drink-my haven for peace,indulge in my favourite wine,the sensation of it tingling down my throat tantalizes me.I live in the moment.Am a self professed sybarite.

Rocking on my chair,lost in a mesh of thoughts,with just my breath n shadow to give me company,has become a habit,am heading towards compulsive insomnia. Why am I starting to feel I live a programmed existence?The first rays of dawn disturb my reverie. My journey meandering this vicious circle begins NOW.This is my Hell.This is my Heaven.

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