Last year, this time:
We were going out of our minds. I think I was reading “An Equal Music”. Cannot believe a year has gone by yet.
Last year, this time:
I stayed up half the night to make a special gift for Abhijeet, who has eventually moved on. I have not given it to him as of yet.
Last year, this time:
I watched from close quarters what chaos weddings can be. … I am still recuperating.
Last year, this time:
We celebrated the new year with a poof. A phone call was all that happened. This time it is the beach.
Last year, this time:
I walked around goofing half the day and should have ideally learnt from the folly. I haven’t.
Last year, this time:
All my pals were still living in and around India. Today they are scattered all over the world.
Last year, this time:
We were a no-care-in-the-world bunch. Now, it is time we start a married folks club.
The year went by so swiftly… I barely had time to weave a memory. But the wisps I managed to gather, tell me it has been one hell of a ride.
I am yet to realize what I set out for and though I always thought I could never go wrong, I have, in a way, that I have been deceiving myself. Those times when I made those promises to myself long back, I think I ought to cry for those wasted years. Trying to bear the shock of being separated from the people I loved, but then I think what’s the point in being sad, because I am nothing to you, although you all may be the world to me.
I do not fear anything if anyone among you still remembers me and even if you do, I do not care about it. There was this time when people knew “me” and now I do not know who I am myself. Now I think I have learnt from these experiences and would not make the same mistakes again. If a person can build his own destiny, I would prefer to erase everything and die in the wilderness.
Now the only thing I want from my life is that since I have to live with myself for whatever time I have to “serve” here, I want to know myself better. I don't want to stand with the setting sun and think of things I haven’t done. Whenever and wherever I go, I must be able to hold my head high. I want to deserve all men's respect; I want to be able to like myself. I want to look people in the eye and even though they might not know what I am and have been, I can never hide myself from me; I see what others may never see. I know what others may never know. I can never fool myself and do whatever happens, I want to be self respecting and conscience free.
Articulation has always been an elusive art. Every time I wanted to express a deep-set emotion, I have fallen smack on my face. This has been a continuous source of entertainment for a chosen few, who understand my flounderings as a genuine effort to communicate that have backfired. The rest think of me as this sometimes aloof and sometimes intensely talkative character who falters in jest. Yes dear people, I am actually a stonily morose person, trying to break the mold. The joke is not on me; at least I didn’t plan it that way.
Time and again, I have tried to re-invent the way I speak. There was this time I went out of my way to be as forthcoming as possible. It resulted in one angry friend, who thought I was stringing him along. He still does. The next time I decided to keep my trap shut… the result was an “iceman” title.
Diplomacy is another intangible that I need to decipher. To call a spade a spade is all-fine, but try calling a moron a moron and all hell breaks loose. Better still; try giving a woman a genuine comment. A colleague asked how her haircut looked; I said it looked like she was having a bad hair day. It was all said in the lighter vein. That was the last time she stopped by my desk.
Women are complex creatures; I have no hope of ever deciphering them. Men are just as bad. Human beings, I give up on you.
Wonder where all the fun has gone. Nothing amazes me more than the absolute ennui present in my life. I am trying real hard to have some fun, simulating others around me, but so far success has eluded me. Perhaps I am asking the wrong questions, but why am I here. All life has been spent in self-denial and anguish over what is and what has not been. Why am I afraid of people and of the fact that they might leave me, causing a pain unbearable? I hold onto my past and change, in a manner worse than a dying man yearning to live. Is this not death?
So now that the year is way behind and the new one is looking out, think of these for a change.
Tomorrow I will watch the morning sun shine and I will rise to be resurrected (metaphorically)...This one is going to be a watershed year. This one is going to be the one. This is the one. I have new goals and new approaches to take.
I should keep lesser expectations from self and yet I expect this. I am a contradiction and I am trying to resolve.. In words, I am fighting it out and not taking anything lying down...
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