Teens to Toons

I was in such a good mood. Everything was almost happening... and then reality comes in. Why does my past always have to come back and haunt me? I am so mad at myself for what I did and what I didn't. I would also like to ask why do I deserve to be treated with so much disdain by luck in life. I can do better, can I not? Help me.. once!

I had a wonderful weekend... Things happened. I am happy. I have taken my first step. I am walking... and then Kahlil Gibran.... It is strange that desire for pleasure is a part of my pain.

When I read Hermann Hesse's Siddhartha, I felt numb. He was close to what I feel was possible for a human to realize, without trying out the real thing himself. I liked the way he approached the subject and the reasons he put out. People might try to say the same thing in another way.. but the conversation with Buddha is one which I will like till the end of days.. whatever might happen.. but I am sure that they might teach you, coach you... solve it for you... but it will not be possible for you to feel it.. unless you have don all of it on your own... Let us say that this is the part of the puzzle....

There was a time.. not so long ago when I was seeking money. I was in this company and they were paying me a not so handsome sum. I had zilch confidence in me, that I had make it big. That was the time, when I had to decide on my and her fate, that is our fate. I decided not to and the results are for you to see. Barely three months down the line, I was in another firm, earning a handsome salary. Today I have a salary that is far better than my previous salary. I am doing far far better than the rest. I am doing good. I have enough money. And I find no use for that money. It does not give me pleasure. It is painful. I am nearly watering my eyes right now... (what an expression) and all my life is passing before me. Never was I short of money. But I never had any surplus. I still live without any luxuries. I just make do with bare essentials. I do not care for luxuries, nor for comfort. I can sleep on the floor without any major ego problems. I care not for food anymore. Anything that i...

Yoda is green. So what? Yoda knows and acts. He advises and sensibly so. Yoda is a natural. "You have to train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." As a professional there are so many fears. It leads you all the time and you almost never know when to let go. I decided to ask myself the question "Is it worth it?" always. Otherwise I would never know when to say no and stop. They ask me if I have written anything humorous. I want to write funny but it is a tough ask. My current disposition does not help to think in pleasant funny terms. If one were to ask me who I consider the greatest writer, I would say, without any doubt, Wodehouse. If someone can write the way Wodehouse wrote, he ought to be Nobel'ed. Nothing less would suffice. He makes me laugh till I ache inside. what is a greater proof. A saturnine personality like me laughing, It is a great achievement, the greatest appreciation. It is easy to be pensive and dark. But silliness, funniness ...

Shoonya is a paranoid writer succumbing to a rage that may or may not be murderous. He thinks it took forever to make his point. He loves every minute of his sardonic portrayal of life on life’s fringes. And you see him as a modern archetype—a talented, disappointed man surrendering to an anger he cannot govern, an existential blackness he cannot understand.

If I had ever wanted to realize my dream of being a cannibal a la William Golding's "Lord of the Flies", I would most certainly move to Bihar. That place has no respect for anything, anyone. Nothing matters out there. No position, from the chief minister to the Governor, from the teacher to the headmaster is sacred there. All they think is of how to make that next move that hurts someone, somebody's sensibilities. I think I would have to spend a lifetime there to understand what "moves" these men. A state where men and women and children are butchered like livestock. I was moved by every atrocity in Jehanabad, until I got tired of getting "moved". Bihar is something I would never understand. I somehow do not even want to understand, how one can butcher someone and is supported by a community. Manmohan Singh "was" a nice man. He is a tainted man now. Goa. Jharkhand. Bihar. I had had enough. How can you sleep at night. How do you justify yo...

Tumse mile, ab lagtaa hai sadiyaan beet gayein, chhoti sii dukaan par, meethi chai aur samose, jis ke bahaane tumhe ghadi bhar dekh lete they, ab bhi hain, par tum nahin aur woh chahat bhi nahin Tu ek hansii khwaab ban ke reh jaa kabhi ret pe tumhaare nishaa dhoondhtaa hoon, raat ko akele nikal jaata hoon, us ek pal ki talaash mein, jo lagtaa hai lehren bahaa ke le gayein apne saath Tu ek hansii khwaab ban ke reh jaa jab hawaa tumhaare baal udaa kar, chhupa leti thii tumhaari aakhein, tumhaari muskuraahat, ab bhi chalti hai, ussi manthar gati se, par ab bas udaati hai ret, aakhon mein aansu laati hai Tu ek hansii khwaab ban ke reh jaa meri awaaz aaj bhi takraa ke laut-tii hai, par nahin sunaayee deti hai tumhaari hansii, bas suntaa hai, to dard ke thapedon ki chaap, aankhein bojhal hain, par neend koson duur khadi hai Tu ek hansii khwaab ban ke reh jaa samajh saktaa huun tumhaara maun, maanaa tum mujhe maaf kar deti ho har baar, chal diyaa hoon main aage, tum bhi badhnaa, par ek iltiza...

Yesterday, Dad talked to me for forty minutes. His detailed plan to let me handle some of the family duties makes me feel wanted. I remember when I was 18 and given a lac and half to get the repairs done. I had done commendably then and I will do my best. They are what I live for. I had give everything I have for them. I remember when I was punished in school and I trembled in my nightmares for having done a wrong. Dad would let me sleep in his lap and tell me stories where he had made similar mistakes. Dad is so dadlike. Mom on the other hand, never spared me. Almost never. I remember when i got that high fever of 105F and she sat by me for two continuous days while Dad was away on tour. Sometimes I feel so lucky and sometimes I feel that my parents should have kicked me a bit more. Dad was always so adjusting. Mom was like.... you take Arts. They knew me and I refused to accept that. Literature and Mathematics would have been ideal. Anyhow I did not take that. Dad has asked me to car...

I began this weekend with tears and nothing much to look forward to. I was in mourning, as I like to quote the grief, the tragedy I am going through. And then I thought of all the ways I could let go. I thought of Gandhiji's talisman in CBSE books and all the stuff that had made me so strong, some time back. Then I remembered my notes from "The Picture of Dorian Gray" and I did not feel ashamed of what i had done. I could justify to myself, my crooked actions, my unwanted desires. For instance : "When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance." I have decieved myself and now I am decieving others into believing that I had something for her, when in fact, I did not have the guts to say it to her. Is it me, an ignobly timid person, or is it me, the honorable asshole. No idea. Another gem: "Conscience and cowardice are really the same things, Basil. Conscience ...

I have been mourning all this weekend. I am trying to do something that may just be able to lift my mood. But to no avail. No news has brought cheer to me. And I have finished a lot of books and articles meanwhile. Moreover, the newspapers, The Express and The TOI are completed. Movies are through as well. So is F-1 and so is Anand's domination of Kramnik and Adams. I have trid every trick in the book including talking to relatives and friends and I still feel not so good. I tried sleeping, working and currently am sitting in a games arcade. Gosh. What all people do to get rid of depression. Tom Robbins was right when he said people in "depression" are the most self centered of all people. All I been doing is pandering myself. Now it's Star Wars for me. Let's see how George Lucas fares.

I has started writing this piece a long time back. I had quite spectacular goals for this one. I wanted it to be the best I would ever write. Hindi and Poetry... well I can write in them too... I wrote quite a few stanzas before I left that at my parent's home, thinking that if I were not to read them, I would tend to forget all that made me write it in the first place. But no such luck. Anywayz last night... All this is in addition to what I have written till now.... (not on the net) and I will enable unicode sometime and write that as well...(one of my major aim is to get a complete draft out) "Tu" Tu ek hansii khwaab ban ke reh jaa Tum ek khwaab hi to ho, Aati ho chalii jaati ho, kabhi kabhi ek aah sii chhod jaati ho, bharii sii zindagi ko viiran kar jaati ho Tu ek hansii khwaab ban ke reh jaa In paedon ki pattiyon ki sar-sarahat mein, hansii chaandni mein ek dard jagaati ho, sapnaa dekhtaa hoon ek dhuudhiyaa safed parvat ka, sab taraf ashaar hi ashaar nazar aate hain...

A watershed moment in my life. I cried yesterday. I cried like a baby. A long long time, it had been. It does not feel nice to be alive today. I am not in the analysis mode today. I am just stating what I feel and how I feel. I walked alone last night on the empty streets, watching for people. it is infact a strange world at night. And the voice. The Voice, I must say. I somehow reached home and wrote. Something in Hindi. That has happened after a long long time. I wrote poetry. That was rarer still. I could feel tears brimming in my eyes and after I had exhausted my feelings on paper, I let go. I cried and cried. I woke up and cried and been crying since. People in office seem shocked to see me today. I am in my best clothes, all shaved, proper attire, reddened eyes, swollen sockets. I am a scene, as if it's my burial today. An addition to "Tu" resulted. Tu ek hansi khwaab ban ke reh jaa.

Reading "Jitterbug Perfume" has been a nice experience. It's madness and there is a method to that madness. I like the madness and the method as well. Somewhere it says "A person who is depressed is the most self-concious person. He believes in taking care of himself physically and mentally. He is alert to his own needs. Happy looking people are not aware of their own needs." I liked it when I read that. I put the book down and dreamt. It has been a wonderful time, a pitiful time, a time to remember, a time to forget. It has been a wonderful two years of my life and that is what matters. And I have seen people grow and stand up for themselves. I salute them. I take this occasion to salute a mate of mine. IITK-IIMA. A nice chap to core. Loves a gal. Nice gal. I would never have thought that they would not end up together and they are not going to be together. I am so sorry. Ego problems among parents. God. Parents said No!! He, like a nice son, bent to their wish...

When it come to saying a definite "yes" or a "no", especially with people, I hardly have a choice. It has been a pain. Saying what I must, is then a necessity. I sometimes choose not to choose. Anywayz. I have had enough rants about myself on this blog. Either it is going to be end of this blog or it is going to be a change in the posts. I have had enough of me. Probably I need to get sober and saner and sit straight. I need to get wiser. Kernel locking is going to be the end of me. Linux Memory fragmentation...ahh!!! Linux sucks when it is pushed. Look at Sol, it's so stable. Anywayz I got to tweak this thing. I am looking forward to reading some cool stuff in times to come.

“I hold it true, whate’er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; ‘Tis better to have loved and lost Than to never have loved at all.” I never thought of it this way, until right now. It was kind of there on my mind, but this person must have been crystal about this.

Because when I see you, each day, I love you more, Today MORE THAN YESTERDAY and much LESS THAN TOMORROW May God hold me guilty of loving you beyond what I was capable of, May you have all the happiness you deserve, May you have all the happiness that I had for myself, May you never have to look back, Don't worry. I will live to see you happy. This too shall pass.

One great comment. Is it about LCM or HCF of emotions in life. Should one live on the highs or the lows. Highs are like violent stabs of energy, jerking you to tearaway speeds. Lows are like purring diesel engines which are "mean" and mean business. So which ones are better to survive on. Opinions don't matter. What matters is what the eyes say.

Too many words are said for the sake of it. This time I just did not say a lot. I did a lot of listening. People opened up their hearts to me. Did I like it? No. They make me aware of how cruel I am to myself. How very small I am, inspite of all the declarations and dedications. How I scurry around, avoiding commitments, searching for excuses and waiting and hoping.. People are taking decisions and not delaying their lives. And me? I am living in hope. I am a wound, a festering, rotten, wound. I am antithesis to all that I say, I think I stand for. I am too small for what I stand for. I deserve nothing more than animosity and indifference that few people have been able to develop for me. But how would I react to it. In the plain old stone way. I think I am a bit stunned by things in life to react fast enough. I think too much, I act a bit too late. So many people have walked by me and I am like the sand which retains their footprints for just enough time. Let me think again. Yesterday...

Was I strong enough to say "stay for some more time" when she left with an unshed tear on her lash did I have the courage to hold her hand a little longer when it just slipped away? Was I afraid to bare my soul? to fall truly, madly, deeply in love to let go of all fear and say it all.. to forget all things wise and sane and swim for one moment in the chasm of love one moment lasting forever...

A Thought- "no, I will never regret anything. It happened and I am here as a result of that. What is there to regret. Because everything that ever happened to me, makes me what I am now. And I kinda like the way I am. I'd like to get to know myself better if I happened to meet myself somewhere." Quoted ---- Evil evil grin...

I was reading a blog by Rashmi Bansal. Most of the articles were normal except one. The one which began with a catchline. I may not be able to reproduce it correctly but it goes as "History and Chemistry are important for a friendship". I had to smile and chuckle in my own so very evil way. What about Geography and Economics and Mystery? They might matter as well... And then I happened to be listening to Nusrat's "Mast Nazaron se Allah Bachaye". Aaj ki baat phir nahin hogi, yeh mulakaat phir nahin hogi, Aise baadal to phir bhi aayenge, Aisi barsaat phir nahin hogi, Raat unko bhi yun huaa mehsoos, Jaise yeh raat phir nahin hogi, Ik nazar mud ke dekhne waale, Kyaa yeh khairaat phir nahin hogi, Umr jalwon mein basar ho yeh zaroori to nahin, har sab-e-gham ki sahar hi yeh zaroori to nahin, neend to dard ke bistar pe bhi aa sakti hai, unki aagosh mein sar ho yeh zaroori to nahin, shaikh kartaa hai masjid mein jo sajde, uske sajdon mein asar hi yeh zaroori to nahin, s...

Yesterday luxury got to me. A wonderful row house all to myself. All the amenities and cleanliness. God. Wonderful food. Life could have been that way. Had great dreams and it was wonderful while it lasted. With morning, she came back to haunt me. I could not decide in my dream, whether it was her who had left me or if it was me who had failed her. I was perplexed in a dream. Anywayz I woke up puzzled and I reflected on a lot of things. Things said and unsaid. And then it dawned upon me. I would always pose a question to myself whenever I feel like having something and it involved a trade-off. The question is "Is it worth it?".. there can be several ways in which it can be framed. From a question-based to a wish based, from a negative to a positive viewpoint. The thing is .. Does it matter that you can't live without it, does it alter my existence in such a manner to change it for worse or for better. If it comes to that, then let me ask myself that question and respond t...

Legend has it that I am an idiot. People say that because when they see me, they see me with loud words, actions that are loud. People think I speak what comes to my mind. One of the greatest things that I have learnt in life is that I would never ever underestimate anyone. Rivals, Enemies, Friends, Family. None. That is probably my biggest learning. That is my only advice. But then you have to avoid letting that get to your brain. I am not going to digress. So I was saying that People think of me as a person who does things on a spur. I never do that. I take pride in that. I believe in being who I am and saying what I feel. So I say what I feel and do what I think. Analysis mode to Action mode. Anywayz, I am writing this amazing piece. Amazing because if I can write what I am thinking, it is going to be good. But I am worried about the drive and the ability to go on and on. Seventeen pages. Introspecting into minds of three friends and analysing them. God. I am a neurotic. At least I ...

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. ~Author Unknown Maybe part of loving is learning to let go. ~From the television show The Wonder Years It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. ~Colette There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ~M. Kathleen Casey Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear th...

It hurts a bit when you realise that life around you, is infact a superset of your own. Almost all people have similar dreams, ideas, notions, feelings and yet everyone feels so special. What would happen to them, if you told them the truth. I would if I would want to hurt them. All these people have these small things special to them, intrinsic to them, that makes them special... that is what they say. I have written enough about how hurtful the world can be and how hurting can I be. It's not about pain and not about glamour. Now it has changed. The rules have changed and the game too. The one permament emotion of the inferior man is fear- fear of unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. - Mencken. Now he things that I am inferior. I am not exactly feeling inferior. I have a belief in my abilities and my work and I know that I will make it eventually. But at what cost? Now I agree with this... "Nothing is to be feared. it is only to be understood - Marie Curie" I am tryin...

Home isn't anymore the safe haven. First time ever I had the chance of listening to crap at home. Mom bickered about relatives not responding in kind. Dad bickered about not expecting anything. Dadi went on defending her brood. Gosh. I lost my temper and let my tongue do the talking. First time ever, at home I was introduced to tensions in home. Mom bickered. Dad did too. Dadi did her acts. I had always ignored all this but this time I lost my temper. I did not want to, but something inside me exploded. Probably I am growing up or is it that I understand the circus better now. I blame people for this. I have no role in this. I claim my innocence. People hardly care and it's a fact. People are not that nice after all. It is all individualistic. Even blood relations do not love or like each other a lot. I always had my arms open. Anywayz for them, I will always be the same bhola-bakht kind. If they want to trick me, I will get tricked. If they want to twist me, I will twist...