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Is It Love?


I have some serious doubts about “love” and “relationships”. It has been simmering in me, as to what makes people fall in love. As they say, “love is the highest emotion”. But is it? I wondered for a long time, waiting to experience that highest emotion and all I could do was to wander around seeing people fall in love. Every time, I pretended to fall in love, the other person moved away. Was I unlucky or my pretense not good enough? I had lots of questions for myself. I set about solving the riddle.

The first question that came up was “why should I fall in love?” Basically it is an instinctive urge for sex which makes the opposites attract and reproduce. Pleasure is another reason. But how does a person decide on whom to love. I guess that is instinctive too. Men usually see the physical aspects and women see the other aspects along with the physical aspects too. I have seen people sacrifice a lot and paying a high price for such an emotion. Is it actually worth it is unknown to me, but the one thing that makes me realize is the “wanting” of a person to depend on someone else.

When I see a person, I want to fall in love with; I go for the physicality and outer appearance no doubt. As I get nearer, stalking her in all ways possible, I start to judge her on those moments which I think demonstrate the “real” her. How can I love someone who is not perfect? How can I compromise on that? But am I perfect? If the point is to fall in love and then the bed with someone, then I guess anyone is fine. If that is the case, then almost anybody “average” would do. Then why does one have to go searching all over for the right person. I do not really know. My ignorance is what saves me. Had I known the truth, it might not have been worth living for.

Whenever I get near to a person and feel like liking that person, I want a part of her. I want to be with her, when I feel like and I feel like shielding my weaknesses. I understand that part of the game, but what is the guarantee that the other person should also feel the same. Why should she? So in a manner of speaking, it is kind of “hit and trial”.

It is not nice to be rebuffed. The realization has sunk in and all I can say is that I am not enjoying the pain. Although, I still laugh, it is no more a matter to be taken in fun. Time will heal all that is possible, but will the guilt of having lost her, leave me without pain. The heaviness in the chest is something which I had read only in literature. It was like, there she is and there, she is gone. There are tears welling up in my eyes and yet they do not fall, for I do not want to lose hope. Time will probably vaporize them. Am I being selfish? She is an individual and was always a free spirit. When I can think, it is all turbulent, all those silly things about what could have been, all the lines I could have said, in between those pauses.

Let us leave it at that.


“Shoonya”

Comments

borntodre@m said…
I do have the same emotions. But I never looked at the physical aspects. The closer I went to her, I understood that she is the ONE. But as everything in this world is "relative", I should not expect the same feeling about me from her. Still that does not bother me as u have rightly said I should expect that she is a free spirit. In fact I should not "expect" anything from her, if my feelings are true to myself ! And I think they still are. But it really saddens you to watch the distance between you and your beloved one growing apart !
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