Teens to Toons

High fever... Endless vomits... Intense pain... and you... That is what makes me endure them with a smile.. I would give anything to be yours forever... Hamse aayaa naa gayaa.. Tumse bulaaya naa gayaa... In my delirium, I can lose all that makes me so tiring and become the nice simple person that you made me.. Was that me.. I can take all the jokes.. all the pain... but you had to be here... I even expected your phone call... isn't that so silly... And people here hate my aggresiveness... my ego.. my attitude and hate me in al possible ways.. isn't that a tribute to my insanity...

A five pronged strategy to change... Reason for change... Need to have higher self esteem. Investing for the future. Areas of Effort (with probable acton items) 1. Be cool always. Be normally emotional. Control anger and fear. Do not impose yourself on people. Make own calculated moves. Think Mikhail Tal. (Think Tal and it would not be tough... Think dad even.. be unflappable... be like dad..) 2. Listen genuinely to people. Look at them normally. Do not stare at them. Start with a smile and a hello. Do not bite people. Nod head when listening. Encourage people to come up with their own ideas. Take the burden if needed. Persist with listening and reason out with people, howsoever frustating. (Think dad in this too... Think didi as well... she makes a good case here... smile a lot.. and not that constipated smile..please) 3. Motivation is not money and pride. It is satisfaction. Rest will follow. Wake up everyday to do something new and worthwhile. Remember fourth year in this aspect. Ex...

Some thoughts come back. I always knew that I ws going to be disliked. I knew it when I was born again... It is kind of rude awakening. People and feedback. It is definitely my fault. The animal in me is not supposed to come out. It just isn't. Nobody likes an animal. I did not have any misconceptions. I am an easy guy to dislike and I probably, deep inside like it. Dislike is a mild word. It should be HATE. This time I am not going to fightback. Not this time. Time will come but not this time. I remember IITK when people hated me for all the right reasons and I did not care. I was a nice kid but I had that wild streak in me. Now I am no more nice. I am just wild. Probably I should go back to the jungle and let my wildness come out. I miss dad right now so much, I dunno why. Life goes on. How can you be what people want. But yes don't be what people don't like. Do that alone. Do it to yourself. Play safe son. We need it right now. The "Shoonya" needs to be normali...

It has been a bit depressing. It has been a bit gloomy. It has been a bit different from what I expected. It is exactly what I feared. I am just another student. I wanted to be a bit higher on the pedestal. After all this is supposed to be a B-school. I thought I would have been able to get rid of all the waste in my head. All the things are still there and worse is the situation that I have no one to talk to. People here are so afraid to do something new. they are new born lambs and they hardly understand what i am trying to tell them. It's as if I am mocking them, which I definitely am not. It is worse to be misunderstood. It was better there. I will make it here somehow but I miss you and I have to tell you this.

The first one in my wing to get married. Congrats. Aseem gets married in two hours and I sit here writing this. Is this the way I claim to be a friend. I guess yes. This is reality of life. One never gets to be where one wants to be. Why is life always unfair in my favor? Look who is talking. I underestimated him. I overestimated myself. And look he is with the one he loves. रफ़्ता-रफ़्ता वो मेरी हस्ती का सामाँ हो गए पहले जाँ, फिर जान-ए-जाँ, फिर जान-ए-जाना हो गए। Congrats all the way. I am jealous and that is praise. I am still all stuffed. I drink to your happiness today.

The Spirit Of Galaxy I am emotional ... somehow I have a feeling that this mail of mine would not be appreciated. But I feel that before passing out (graduating) from this institute, I must try to give back to it, what it gave to me. This mail is about belonging to this place, this place which has been my home. Nothing less and nothing more. I have been very disturbed at the recent developments...but the one event that took something away that was dearest to me was the scrapping of two successive Galaxies. I and a few others were together, a little while ago and nostalgia took hold of us. We recounted all that Galaxy took away from us. The classes we bunked, the grades that fell, to be true, we all suffered. But then It gave us something, that is so great in magnitude, that nothing ... I repeat nothing would be comparable to it. The camaraderie, the team spirit that developed in us, which we felt and still feel, is unbelievably strong. The Galaxy was one event which brought people out ...

Alice came to a fork in the road. "which road do I take" she asked. "where do you want to go" responded Cheshire cat. "I don't know." Alice answered. "Then,"said the cat, "it does not matter".

Chapter 1 Simon Says Are you a nerd? The self-knowledge of being a nerd is perhaps as important as learning to interact with the society at large. Perhaps that is half the marathon run. Were you "smart"at school and college? Were you popular? Being "smart" at school was not a big deal. There were things that counted for much more than being "smart" like physical apppearance, athletic ability etc. Most "smart" kids would want to be popular but it takes effort to do that. There is an inverse relationship in being smart and being popular. It takes effort to be popular just as it takes effort to be smart. So let me define a "nerd". A nerd is someone who isn't socially adept, in general, and is great at technical skills. Why does it matter to us if someone is socially "gauche". At an "individual" level, it would be fine to be socially "uncool" because what one does at a personal level does not affect the soc...

People "demand" things from me that are either trivial or just absurd or plain impossible. Either it's me who is not in the coherent state to be able to classify them as other kinds... But to me, they belong to one of these categories. Organizational Behavior is a course... That was a surprise. Now I will have to "manufacture" the right and the correct answers to shield my misfit type. I had do this willingly because ethics is a part of this course and so is the manager's dilemma of getting the thing done. It's kind of interesting in the sense that it clearly elucidates my mistakes in the past. I can see them as a pattern emerging from my being a misfit. Anyhow I just plan to get going and make most of it, while it lasts...

Why do I have to run away when people confront me? Yesterday DG went to the extent of saying that my "blogging" has turned very selfish in a way that I always write about "me". I would not call it confusion neither selfishness. I would just call it a need. A need because I need to discuss myself with someone and I am short of people on that aspect. Infact most things that I had like to do, I would have to do alone. My communication with people is limited to most trivial things. It is mostly me with myself. what can I do if I wanted to shout out and want everyone to listen to what I say? Forget that. So what can i do if I would have wanted to write the way I wrote in the beginning. Lots of things. Spend a lot of time in bed, thinking!!! Moreover I would have to also make sure of some idea-searching and incorporating some soul-searching. And the worst part is that all of them are just theories. And right now theories to me, are absurd. They don't work. They just e...

Life goes on. That is all that matters. No need to suspend life for anything. Life matters when you are alive and live it while you can. In fact, all the time you waste it while sleeping, you can make a mistake while awake. So sleep and make mistakes. That is all life is all about. It is all about "al the almost" things in life. Need to meet the gods and goddesses. I don't think I am going to make many friends in this place. it does not matter after all.

It seems that I am not a student anymore and that the camaraderie that always existed in me for my fellow mates is no more there. I just hope that in time I change for the better. Sleeping and Consoling self is the only thing I do these days. I crave for freedom of Pune and Lucknow kind of gets to me. It is going to be Kanpur Final year I guess. The computer does not like me anymore. It started misbehaving again. I guess I will have to get a laptop sooner than I ever thought would be the case. Relationships are on a cold now. Life is on the backfoot. It's desires and dreams. desires and dreams I repeat.

It's a rather personal thing. My family is an extended one. I have always felt that I have never recieved the appreciation that I deserve for all my small accomplishments from my dad. I love my Dad. But inspite of my "good" performances all my career, educationwise, sportswise, otherwise - dad never ever gave me the kind of appreciation that I have hungered for. My dad on such occasions always goes on a trip, talking about his younger brother, my chacha. He is also from IITK. A brilliant student althrough. A gold-medalist, a topper, a person who went on a full scholarship to London to do his MBA in 1978. He wrote his thesis by hand as he did not have enough money to get it typed and was awarded the best. One day he just shrank. My father always thought of his brother as the chosen one and he ended up as "nothing". He retired on a VRS with almost nothing to his name. So whenever it comes to talking of deeds and potential, my father goes on one of those trips. An...

Student Again... Am not really on the right side yet. I am too much of a bore and I am drowning people along with myself. I have had a tough time at home. All the pertinent answers were given to all my impertinent questions. All matters resolved for me. Parents are gods... I been too down... I don't know why... Is it because I have not tested my wings in a long time. Is it because I have not been able to locate a microphone to get my own composition on "air"... I am dead... there is no energy in me.. even for smiling... The water is too hot to have a bath.. but I need it anyhow... It's season of "four baths and one sleep".

The remains... The last bits... that is all that remains... when it comes to letting go... when it comes to going away... It's sad..but I should have gotten used to all this.. I should have... But I will someday have to let go of bigger things... my expectations, my hopes, my faith, my love, my life... I would rather laugh on these occasions and give my best smile... I believe that I have to train myself to let go of everything I fear to lose.

Madness follows me... People get mad and hysterical.. that is what happened... to me... And the worst part is that i have no idea what I did... Must be the cardinal error again... Things in fux... packing is still on... Giving myself quality time is the priority... ... Time to let go of this period... A defining period.. when I knew of all that befell me. before it befell me... hehe.. That I might call was the worst part.. and I hammered my finger on the righ hand... and it's all blue and really painful... Is dard ka koi ilaaj nahin, Samay kii chaap halki padegi to, nahin sunaayi degi meri cheekh, bardaasht karnaa seekh jaayenge...

Today is a special day. It has been pretty hard for me to decide whether I want to put this piece on the blog. This piece will be to me, what waterloo was to napoleon, stalingrad to hitler, what 9/11 is to Bush. Life is not so sweet, otherwise i would be diabetic. Nothing much moves. The times have passed and this is one piece that has bound me together. I do not know the truth, neither do I care. Last night, finally, my patience ran out. Three months and I had not dialled her number. I did it. I don't know why I did it, but I did it. I had to. Her voice was the same as ever. Late at night and she was like the morning dew on the green grass. Concern in her voice, made me go vroom-vroom. why does my heart have to do those acrobatics when I am talking to her? She had been calling me ever since I gave up calling her and she had been pretty consistent. I was like, remembering her, when I needed her, for me and my selfish reasons. So I called her, big deal. I told her that I had not...

I have had a few good days and a few bad days in life. So does it matter? Seems like I am never gonna get back this day, so why should I regret being alive. I am alive and I am in good health and that is all that matters... So bye bye gloomy sunday... I am all sunshine

Great Minds discuss Ideas; Average minds discuss events; Poor ones discuss people. I do not know who said this. I think I am a bit afraid of starting up. I might also be a bit afraid of the uncertainty that makes me a bit sad. I always knew that it will involve an uncertainty and willpower. Now am I lacking that. I do not know for sure.. but I am preparing for the battle. A lot of people start out and few reach the destination. But I am not going to let myself down in any eventuality. It's my life and it's going to be my way.

Another of those weekends... when people think that shit in their lives is not shit and your life is up for analysis and that they can say anything.. because something will stick. So I had to go through a round of analysis... mental and emotional crunching. People own me, I think. They think of me as the right person to help because I am one man gone wrong. They tell me about my fears of a start-up. When I tell them, that I have this idea and I am afraid to go through with it, they laugh at me. They coax me, mollify me. When I say I am in pain, they say welll.. what had you expect, you have given so many, so much pain. It's payback time. When I say, I am heartbroken, they say you deserve it, because you are not the right kind, you are the one who has problems committing. When people call the people they love "n" times a day, you call them once in "n exp (n)" days. So how can you expect to be loved in turn, because you hardly give something up for people. People,...