A night... cold and clear... makes my mind work and from all the haze I could see the beauty of cold logic that I could crystallize. Of all the things in the world, I wanted someone to answer my doubts on my abilities and wants and needs and desires.
whoa! when I let her go, why do I want her back. why do I want her to be there for me. why do I expect. and lots of similar stuff which does not sound normal and reasonable, but these ail me, constantly nagging me, as i push my tail between my legs and my head into the hole like the ostrich. For once, I was tired again.
So what did I crystallize that made me so clear of what I need to think when I think this and that. that is the best part. I was seeing this third rate C grade english flick, which had nothing I would call watchable and there was this dialogue on "what does one say to people who have answers to everything". I saw this guy tell the other.. you have bullshit answers to all the questions other put to you but I ask you a simple question and you have no simple answers. All you have is bullshit. this is exactly what is true in my case. I have bullshitted my way around for too long. I have theories for everything, but ask me a simple question and I digress, so as to find a complex answer to a simple question. that is exactly my problem.
A confession to make : when we spent our time together, at that time "I" was myself at my bestest. The way I can never be, I was in my best moods, nothing mortal ailed me. You made me glow and you made me something I never was. I was myself at my bestest. I confess that all the time I was afraid that you had find out how boring I was inside. How very lazy and how very tiring my life was. Yes, i did a lot of stuff, but most of my time was spent doing ordinary things and I was afraid that you would not have liked that. I was shivering in my boots all the time. And you were there, looking so very perfect. Not a strand out of place and I would always want to find a fault in you, to counter all the ones I had. I remember the time when you wanted to come over to my house and I had not a single chair to seat you in and I said I would not want to call you home. I would not want you to see me in my mortal mode. I was so very afraid. You were a goddess of first rate and I was just a mortal. I wish I could have seen you as a mortal but you were not. And I always wanted you to have the bestest in life. So I let you go. My bestest was not good enough. I confess. It was a weakness in me that made me let you go away. No fault of yours.
That's acceptance. Someday I will be proud of myself. And I love tigran kernels.
whoa! when I let her go, why do I want her back. why do I want her to be there for me. why do I expect. and lots of similar stuff which does not sound normal and reasonable, but these ail me, constantly nagging me, as i push my tail between my legs and my head into the hole like the ostrich. For once, I was tired again.
So what did I crystallize that made me so clear of what I need to think when I think this and that. that is the best part. I was seeing this third rate C grade english flick, which had nothing I would call watchable and there was this dialogue on "what does one say to people who have answers to everything". I saw this guy tell the other.. you have bullshit answers to all the questions other put to you but I ask you a simple question and you have no simple answers. All you have is bullshit. this is exactly what is true in my case. I have bullshitted my way around for too long. I have theories for everything, but ask me a simple question and I digress, so as to find a complex answer to a simple question. that is exactly my problem.
A confession to make : when we spent our time together, at that time "I" was myself at my bestest. The way I can never be, I was in my best moods, nothing mortal ailed me. You made me glow and you made me something I never was. I was myself at my bestest. I confess that all the time I was afraid that you had find out how boring I was inside. How very lazy and how very tiring my life was. Yes, i did a lot of stuff, but most of my time was spent doing ordinary things and I was afraid that you would not have liked that. I was shivering in my boots all the time. And you were there, looking so very perfect. Not a strand out of place and I would always want to find a fault in you, to counter all the ones I had. I remember the time when you wanted to come over to my house and I had not a single chair to seat you in and I said I would not want to call you home. I would not want you to see me in my mortal mode. I was so very afraid. You were a goddess of first rate and I was just a mortal. I wish I could have seen you as a mortal but you were not. And I always wanted you to have the bestest in life. So I let you go. My bestest was not good enough. I confess. It was a weakness in me that made me let you go away. No fault of yours.
That's acceptance. Someday I will be proud of myself. And I love tigran kernels.
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