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Comeback

I sit here with a very bad taste in my mouth. All of a sudden.

I sit here hating the very life, I had scorned. I sit here with violent thoughts and violent words screaming in my mind. I sit here smarting, smartin from wounds that have been self-inflcited. I sit here very confused, utterly confused. What is it that I started out for, where am I, Am I still going towards where i started out for and Do I still want it?

I have been having these terrible mood swings. I am all laughter one second and another I am tearing my hair out. I don't know. I seriously don't. It is a sea change from just months ago. Just months ago I was pouring myself into work. I had the direction, the will, the courage. And now I sit here wondering if I am fat or not. I hate this myself, I seriously hate myself right now.

I seriously am disappointed professionally. Its my lament. My God, if you exist, give me a battle worth fighting for. Give it to me now, or take all that you have given me. No questions asked and no tears shed. I shall retire in peace knowing no battles ought to be fought for, for which the discipline is required. There the bells won't toll, they won't call to us and we shall exist in complete deafening silence. An eternal silence that shall shout to us of our inadequacies.

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