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I have messed up.. I believe

Somehow I just can't bring myself to perform in Stats papers. I just mess them. I don't know why? I just don't know. Math is a dream to me. So is life.
Maybe I have just not oriented myself to perform in exams. I have done well in all subjects, but not stats. I have failed to perform. People came up to me to tell me that it is not the end of the world. And I wonder what they mean.
Is this the beginning or the end of the world? Stats is just not my cup of tea in exams. Else I can think and dream of methods properly and beautifully. Maybe it takes me time to find the inherent beauty in the effort put into developing Stats. Maybe I start living with it.
I am tired of doing math papers. I am seriously tired. Never was performing in math an ego trip for me. This time I was really afraid. I did not know what was happening. I knew all the stuff as I had done it a few times and that is what I fear. If I do not get the inherent beauty in a method, i just seem not to understand it and it gets to me.
Why the fuck do I have to perform so badly in Stats. It is kind of shameful. People have told me that IIT people ain't supposed to do bad.
Should I let myself be mad again. Should I let go of everything that I have held in control for a long long time and desire to be mad and reckless and let it torment me till I desire salvation. Mebbe these words do not mean anything to me, maybe I am imagining them, but I have lost the thread to the goal I came to this place with and that makes me afraid.
People don't like me, my jokes... they can't seem to stand me. And I can't seem to stand myself. Mebbe I am too young or too old for this stuff.
The point is that I just don't know.
I don't know and I care.
Help me now, you up there, the one.. and I had believe in you like I have always. We have been chums, have not we??
Let us restore the ties that broke... Let us make up. Let us be friends.

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