Teens to Toons

It seems that I am not a student anymore and that the camaraderie that always existed in me for my fellow mates is no more there. I just hope that in time I change for the better. Sleeping and Consoling self is the only thing I do these days. I crave for freedom of Pune and Lucknow kind of gets to me. It is going to be Kanpur Final year I guess. The computer does not like me anymore. It started misbehaving again. I guess I will have to get a laptop sooner than I ever thought would be the case. Relationships are on a cold now. Life is on the backfoot. It's desires and dreams. desires and dreams I repeat.

It's a rather personal thing. My family is an extended one. I have always felt that I have never recieved the appreciation that I deserve for all my small accomplishments from my dad. I love my Dad. But inspite of my "good" performances all my career, educationwise, sportswise, otherwise - dad never ever gave me the kind of appreciation that I have hungered for. My dad on such occasions always goes on a trip, talking about his younger brother, my chacha. He is also from IITK. A brilliant student althrough. A gold-medalist, a topper, a person who went on a full scholarship to London to do his MBA in 1978. He wrote his thesis by hand as he did not have enough money to get it typed and was awarded the best. One day he just shrank. My father always thought of his brother as the chosen one and he ended up as "nothing". He retired on a VRS with almost nothing to his name. So whenever it comes to talking of deeds and potential, my father goes on one of those trips. An...

Student Again... Am not really on the right side yet. I am too much of a bore and I am drowning people along with myself. I have had a tough time at home. All the pertinent answers were given to all my impertinent questions. All matters resolved for me. Parents are gods... I been too down... I don't know why... Is it because I have not tested my wings in a long time. Is it because I have not been able to locate a microphone to get my own composition on "air"... I am dead... there is no energy in me.. even for smiling... The water is too hot to have a bath.. but I need it anyhow... It's season of "four baths and one sleep".

The remains... The last bits... that is all that remains... when it comes to letting go... when it comes to going away... It's sad..but I should have gotten used to all this.. I should have... But I will someday have to let go of bigger things... my expectations, my hopes, my faith, my love, my life... I would rather laugh on these occasions and give my best smile... I believe that I have to train myself to let go of everything I fear to lose.

Madness follows me... People get mad and hysterical.. that is what happened... to me... And the worst part is that i have no idea what I did... Must be the cardinal error again... Things in fux... packing is still on... Giving myself quality time is the priority... ... Time to let go of this period... A defining period.. when I knew of all that befell me. before it befell me... hehe.. That I might call was the worst part.. and I hammered my finger on the righ hand... and it's all blue and really painful... Is dard ka koi ilaaj nahin, Samay kii chaap halki padegi to, nahin sunaayi degi meri cheekh, bardaasht karnaa seekh jaayenge...

Today is a special day. It has been pretty hard for me to decide whether I want to put this piece on the blog. This piece will be to me, what waterloo was to napoleon, stalingrad to hitler, what 9/11 is to Bush. Life is not so sweet, otherwise i would be diabetic. Nothing much moves. The times have passed and this is one piece that has bound me together. I do not know the truth, neither do I care. Last night, finally, my patience ran out. Three months and I had not dialled her number. I did it. I don't know why I did it, but I did it. I had to. Her voice was the same as ever. Late at night and she was like the morning dew on the green grass. Concern in her voice, made me go vroom-vroom. why does my heart have to do those acrobatics when I am talking to her? She had been calling me ever since I gave up calling her and she had been pretty consistent. I was like, remembering her, when I needed her, for me and my selfish reasons. So I called her, big deal. I told her that I had not...

I have had a few good days and a few bad days in life. So does it matter? Seems like I am never gonna get back this day, so why should I regret being alive. I am alive and I am in good health and that is all that matters... So bye bye gloomy sunday... I am all sunshine

Great Minds discuss Ideas; Average minds discuss events; Poor ones discuss people. I do not know who said this. I think I am a bit afraid of starting up. I might also be a bit afraid of the uncertainty that makes me a bit sad. I always knew that it will involve an uncertainty and willpower. Now am I lacking that. I do not know for sure.. but I am preparing for the battle. A lot of people start out and few reach the destination. But I am not going to let myself down in any eventuality. It's my life and it's going to be my way.

Another of those weekends... when people think that shit in their lives is not shit and your life is up for analysis and that they can say anything.. because something will stick. So I had to go through a round of analysis... mental and emotional crunching. People own me, I think. They think of me as the right person to help because I am one man gone wrong. They tell me about my fears of a start-up. When I tell them, that I have this idea and I am afraid to go through with it, they laugh at me. They coax me, mollify me. When I say I am in pain, they say welll.. what had you expect, you have given so many, so much pain. It's payback time. When I say, I am heartbroken, they say you deserve it, because you are not the right kind, you are the one who has problems committing. When people call the people they love "n" times a day, you call them once in "n exp (n)" days. So how can you expect to be loved in turn, because you hardly give something up for people. People,...

I was reading Gibran's "Broken Wings" yesterday. After completing it, I was very tired. Something has been leeching away my spirit, my resistance to simple things in life. It used to be so easy to block things that I did not want to take care of. It was just a wonderful thing that I could do. Selma makes for a wonderful case. I guess it's Kahlil's first person account. The way he has described the stuff. I might try to do the same, except that I cannot describe the "pauses". I am not able to get the length. I am probably a short story writer. Not the one with length. Anyhow, I felt not so nice yesterday and it is continuing even today. Someone went through "Love Paeans" and made a remark about it. Now I can see what it is to be a person with some sagacity. I had it then and now I have lost it again. I am so busy these days that I have no time for all this and yet, her memories ail me. I am the one with the broken wings.