Teens to Toons

It is a torment... it shows me all my faults... I am really bad at working in groups... ultimately I have to take charge and get the work done.. why am I unable to do the work in a manner that is acceptable to all.. Somehow people have these problems with working in groups.. and my attitude makes it a bit tougher on all of us... So I got to analyze a bit more after this semester and become more acceptable...

It's my marriage... Can anything be funnier... but no it's kind of ugly..and pathetic. I hardly know the people... I am meeting the people for the first time, just before the marriage and that is kind of unsettling... I mean.. I would want to know a lot about people I am going to become a part of... and such dark thoughts make me squirm... and then it's 25th Nov... I am so drunk that I can't stand straight... That was the only day, when I bunked office... Dad had called and it was close to noon... and I somehow answered and then he put the phone into the hands of my cousin... she was the one getting married... and I dunno why.. but I asked her ... why are you getting married... and well, isn't that silly... I would never have been able to answer that one... Even when I am married... or dying.. and she in her picture perfect, angelic voice said, "because everybody does and I think I kind of like him." I know it ain't good enuf reason.. but yet.. she is ...

I am the lowest of all life forms. BUT... I have not succumbed to pity and groveling. I am confused. I am angry. I am a bit amused as well. If people back home knew, what they call me here... they had laugh themselves to death. Especially Mom... Especially Sis... Especially Dad... But somebody is surely going to get hurt, if this continues. The music will be played. I hardly remember someone calling those ten-pointers maggus... They did it, because they could... and the sloggers were the maggus... probably people have not had those kind of out of body, out of mind experiences... The place is all but bearable... It's just okay... But I am living it out. Lack of friends is okay as well... I had just continue with poetry and some crazy ideation... I had as well start exercising again... Maybe I start studying again... And I have to be smart enough not to be a moron...

Applied mathematicians studying dating is about as likely to deliver credible results as gorillas solving quadratic equations. That's what I conclude at least after reading about this mathematical model created by researchers at University College London to explore the role of gift-giving in courtship. A team of applied mathematicians created a sequential calculation as a model of dating... The researchers assigned points to an array of courtship behaviors, including gift-giving. The computer considered the hypothetical facts, mulled over a few variables and calculated which behaviors would result in the highest score for the imaginary male or female dater. The researchers varied the type of gift the man could give. (Political correctness aside, it was a given that the man was the pursuer and gift-giver.) So you had a choice of worthless, valuable or extravagant gifts. Valuable gifts = diamonds for example. Items with usefulness or resale value Extravagant gifts = dinner at a fancy...

These days I react... Probably I am short on patience.. or else I have to do something... but I react... I am short on temper.. I take things out on me.. this is unlike me... I had been patient... I can wait and take out all the torture of playing the waiting game... but not any more... I have to relearn to do that... Just what Yoda said... I have to train myself to let go of the fear of losing the things I want and desire... Act.. Act... Act normally...

I can stand despair... but hope... I can't stand hope.... A laughable dimwit... A morning snore.... A brash kindergarten kid... Nope... they ain't name of albums... They are names of professors I have... How can they be so tiring... I have this desire for knowledge and I have taken the worst sounding profs with desire... with willingness and obedience... but this one takes the cake... they are a crime and crime it is... And guess what I am going to commit this...

For the past few days... I feel like I am divorced... I was intimidated and I was feeling low... How much time is it gonna take me get over you...

Another three days in pain and fever and delirium.. I like these days.. howsoever painful they might be.. I still have not recorded the one thing I have wanted to for a long long time... Anyhow... I have felt unwanted and uncared for... steely resolve to get my due before departing... Economics calls for some serious work... and I hate the undecided and uncommitted... They are a part of me as well.. This then is the humanity to which we belong, with no hope of being able to break from it. Our fellow beings are our enemies, our own brothers are our executioners; we can disown them, we can reject them, but they resemble us insofar as there is hardly any way to distinguish them from us. Except primarily through our words, but above all through our actions. Every cough is a cry to forgiveness and every tear is a dream gone wrong.

People who suffer from inability to express their emotions and understanding the emotions of others. They rarely cry and are often seen by others as bland and cold... Their own feelings make them uncomfortable and they are unable to discriminate between their emotions. In addition, they are at complete loss to understand what others around them feel. They are not well suited to sales and managerial positions. But they might be effective performers. for instance, in a job writing program code or in any work that is confined exclusively to computer interaction... Isn't this a bit of me... Lemme see...

FOUR NAMES YOU GO BY: - Shoonya - Shoonya - Shoonya - Shoonya (I knew this was a trick question) THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: - My Humor(It sucks!:P). - My perseverance - My ability to be infatuated THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: - My face. - My weight - My feet THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE: - Humour. - Unconditional love. - Objectivity. THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU: - Future - Past - A loveless existence. THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS: - Thinking about you - Listening to music - A creative idea a day THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW: - Cigarillo . - A chain. - A brain-wracking expression (this meme isn't easy!) THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP: - Compatability - Humour (lots and lots of bad) - Trust TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order): - I feel no pain - I am a great cook - I wish I was moneyed THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU: - Back - Butt:P - Breasts THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO ...

It is a kind of solution when I say I want to move on. The funny part is that I realize that I am the problem. Yesterday I saw a wonderful piece of videography by IITK juniors. I always thought of how I could make a movie about how classes start in the morning.. the various kind of approaches that people take.. the early risers, the moderates and the lasts... Funnily I never got the drive to do it. Now I think, if somebody had asked me what IITK gave to me, I would have brushed them off. Probably the only advice I would have for them would have been 1. Make your own original mistakes and do not follow any path laid out for you.. 2. Never lose you originality and creativity, save them, support them and be alive always.

High fever... Endless vomits... Intense pain... and you... That is what makes me endure them with a smile.. I would give anything to be yours forever... Hamse aayaa naa gayaa.. Tumse bulaaya naa gayaa... In my delirium, I can lose all that makes me so tiring and become the nice simple person that you made me.. Was that me.. I can take all the jokes.. all the pain... but you had to be here... I even expected your phone call... isn't that so silly... And people here hate my aggresiveness... my ego.. my attitude and hate me in al possible ways.. isn't that a tribute to my insanity...

A five pronged strategy to change... Reason for change... Need to have higher self esteem. Investing for the future. Areas of Effort (with probable acton items) 1. Be cool always. Be normally emotional. Control anger and fear. Do not impose yourself on people. Make own calculated moves. Think Mikhail Tal. (Think Tal and it would not be tough... Think dad even.. be unflappable... be like dad..) 2. Listen genuinely to people. Look at them normally. Do not stare at them. Start with a smile and a hello. Do not bite people. Nod head when listening. Encourage people to come up with their own ideas. Take the burden if needed. Persist with listening and reason out with people, howsoever frustating. (Think dad in this too... Think didi as well... she makes a good case here... smile a lot.. and not that constipated smile..please) 3. Motivation is not money and pride. It is satisfaction. Rest will follow. Wake up everyday to do something new and worthwhile. Remember fourth year in this aspect. Ex...

Some thoughts come back. I always knew that I ws going to be disliked. I knew it when I was born again... It is kind of rude awakening. People and feedback. It is definitely my fault. The animal in me is not supposed to come out. It just isn't. Nobody likes an animal. I did not have any misconceptions. I am an easy guy to dislike and I probably, deep inside like it. Dislike is a mild word. It should be HATE. This time I am not going to fightback. Not this time. Time will come but not this time. I remember IITK when people hated me for all the right reasons and I did not care. I was a nice kid but I had that wild streak in me. Now I am no more nice. I am just wild. Probably I should go back to the jungle and let my wildness come out. I miss dad right now so much, I dunno why. Life goes on. How can you be what people want. But yes don't be what people don't like. Do that alone. Do it to yourself. Play safe son. We need it right now. The "Shoonya" needs to be normali...

It has been a bit depressing. It has been a bit gloomy. It has been a bit different from what I expected. It is exactly what I feared. I am just another student. I wanted to be a bit higher on the pedestal. After all this is supposed to be a B-school. I thought I would have been able to get rid of all the waste in my head. All the things are still there and worse is the situation that I have no one to talk to. People here are so afraid to do something new. they are new born lambs and they hardly understand what i am trying to tell them. It's as if I am mocking them, which I definitely am not. It is worse to be misunderstood. It was better there. I will make it here somehow but I miss you and I have to tell you this.

The first one in my wing to get married. Congrats. Aseem gets married in two hours and I sit here writing this. Is this the way I claim to be a friend. I guess yes. This is reality of life. One never gets to be where one wants to be. Why is life always unfair in my favor? Look who is talking. I underestimated him. I overestimated myself. And look he is with the one he loves. रफ़्ता-रफ़्ता वो मेरी हस्ती का सामाँ हो गए पहले जाँ, फिर जान-ए-जाँ, फिर जान-ए-जाना हो गए। Congrats all the way. I am jealous and that is praise. I am still all stuffed. I drink to your happiness today.

The Spirit Of Galaxy I am emotional ... somehow I have a feeling that this mail of mine would not be appreciated. But I feel that before passing out (graduating) from this institute, I must try to give back to it, what it gave to me. This mail is about belonging to this place, this place which has been my home. Nothing less and nothing more. I have been very disturbed at the recent developments...but the one event that took something away that was dearest to me was the scrapping of two successive Galaxies. I and a few others were together, a little while ago and nostalgia took hold of us. We recounted all that Galaxy took away from us. The classes we bunked, the grades that fell, to be true, we all suffered. But then It gave us something, that is so great in magnitude, that nothing ... I repeat nothing would be comparable to it. The camaraderie, the team spirit that developed in us, which we felt and still feel, is unbelievably strong. The Galaxy was one event which brought people out ...

Alice came to a fork in the road. "which road do I take" she asked. "where do you want to go" responded Cheshire cat. "I don't know." Alice answered. "Then,"said the cat, "it does not matter".

Chapter 1 Simon Says Are you a nerd? The self-knowledge of being a nerd is perhaps as important as learning to interact with the society at large. Perhaps that is half the marathon run. Were you "smart"at school and college? Were you popular? Being "smart" at school was not a big deal. There were things that counted for much more than being "smart" like physical apppearance, athletic ability etc. Most "smart" kids would want to be popular but it takes effort to do that. There is an inverse relationship in being smart and being popular. It takes effort to be popular just as it takes effort to be smart. So let me define a "nerd". A nerd is someone who isn't socially adept, in general, and is great at technical skills. Why does it matter to us if someone is socially "gauche". At an "individual" level, it would be fine to be socially "uncool" because what one does at a personal level does not affect the soc...

People "demand" things from me that are either trivial or just absurd or plain impossible. Either it's me who is not in the coherent state to be able to classify them as other kinds... But to me, they belong to one of these categories. Organizational Behavior is a course... That was a surprise. Now I will have to "manufacture" the right and the correct answers to shield my misfit type. I had do this willingly because ethics is a part of this course and so is the manager's dilemma of getting the thing done. It's kind of interesting in the sense that it clearly elucidates my mistakes in the past. I can see them as a pattern emerging from my being a misfit. Anyhow I just plan to get going and make most of it, while it lasts...