Teens to Toons

Raizada Heritage Fund and Trip to Woodlands

2011-03-06T22:07:00.000-08:00

I have a confession to make. We don’t have a sofa at home. We seriously don’t.. Over the last two years, whenever Vartika has broached the touchy topic of a Sofa buy, I have ended up doing rants on how the money saved on not buying a Sofa would be able to feed us for a month, in case startup went bust. (And no, I was not counting on dumb UPA government allowing Sharad Pawar to make billions running amok on the vegetable and cereals market and looting us. In that case, count that sum to last for mere 15 days. That rant is for a separate day) Imagine a 30-40k sofa and me eating it, like the borers mostly do. Tough to imagine and sad to think of.

So I return to the sofa tales. Vartika knew I had make her do with those mattresses. You know how dumb I am, relentlessly pointless. Unfortunately I ran into an Ariean, and that too my Mom. She looked at me and the mattresses and then again at me, and I went ballistic. From the sensibility of an accountant, to the eruditeness of an economist (Defintely not Manmohan), to the bania of the corner store to the nincompoop of what her son can be, I explained and ranted about wisdom of not owning a sofa. The free space, Making of a couch potato, unstructured environments stimulating creativity, sharing the same fate as millions of my fellow brethren who own a TV and a cable connection but no sofa. None of these worked and she just steamrolled everything in her wake.

So we had to get a Sofa. Now this is not a simple process with me. I am still in the process of owning the right Bose speakers for the last six years. I am still contemplating the right “audio system” for my car. I am still thinking of a right time to start thinking about getting the watch of my dreams. Include the submarine that I had been vouching for as a perfect startup, making do with a worthless iPhone while my Blackberry begs to be restored, and I could always go on and on. “Plans interrupted while Plans were being made”. So we made measurements, we did focussed group discussions, we did snoop on neighbours, friends, TV serials, movies, talk shows, what not, and we bitched, ranted, ooh-aahed, sofas, people bought, kept, used. We made matrices of people owning sofas, how their personalities were reflected in sofas they kept and vice versa, the dogs, cows, cats and stars were all subjected to numerous statistical tests. Taxonomic, Structural, Economic, Perception – all parameters were identified in classification of Sofas.

Porter cried when I used his five forces, for classifying firms that have entered into furnishing industry. Why we should have Ikea, what garage sales means for Ikea and effect of those on GDP, Would Ikea work in rural Indian landscape, what should be the ideal entry strategy for such firms, Would Nilkamal do well in such an onslaught. I mean we were in the zone. The launch was ready, we were ready to foray into the markets, get our feet dirty and tired, We had done the market survey, we had done the homework. We were on our way to becoming the owner of a Sofa. Vartika, meanwhile had started answering my rants with monosyllables, I think thats what she did. I think Office Work exhausts her.

So I divided the Bombay we live in, into catchment areas, classifying them by the segment which resides in them, kind of shops they purchase their stuff in, how they say Pepsi and whether they eat Goa 1000 or Pukar or Aashiqui. I went online with a vengeance, scoured the blogs, read and reread on advice to buy furnishings in Bombay, indexed and reindexed them for efficiency (discovered Supermemo and its amazing discoverer in the process) and neatly outlined the “Go-to-market” strategy to my partner in crime. Vartika is a professional at this, so I just asked her to affix her stamp whilst making very slight suggestions on an already winner strategy. She as I always thought she would, wholeheartedly agreed with me. I could not sleep the night before D-Day. I wondered if Allies were so giddy with excitement before Normandy happened. But I was sleepless in Bombay.

And off we went. Mall after mall, I made copious notes on how we were attended to, how were the sofas stacked, could there be a better strategy to use the space, the lighting, the arc-lighting, how often should the attendants clean the sofa (so that it appears clean and brand new and still it does not wear it (frequent jeans wearing does that to jeans.. they get torn)... and keep it brand new). I twisted the limericks, the jingles and how they could be made better, what caught my attention and what did not. I scouted for the shop managers and I gave them the gist of my observations (they seemed nonplussed... if they had been observant in first place, they would have observed it before me and thus I would not have noticed it. QED).

Then I took to the Local markets, Chembur ones, Bandra ones, Crawford markets, Oshiwara new furniture market, oshiwara old furniture market, Malad furniture market in from of Hypercity, Malad furniture market behind Hypercity. Like the Egyptians, Tunisians and now Libyans, I was on my own crusade. To classify and photograph and record like Dewey did with books, everything about Sofas. Ohh and I went abroad too. I ate my sisters head and made her visit a few furniture markets there. And I sent her my notes and checklists to be compiled (research should not suffer just because the observer was not that detailed).

And variety did I see and observe and record and note and classify. It was breathtaking. From the shady rubberwood ones to the classy Osians, from the rustic hoyasalas to carved shekawatis, from the colourful and painted jodhpuris to the stoic standard Indian Sofa. I saw the Victorians restored, saw the marbled ones, the rosewood ones with inlaid patterns. I identified rosewoods, teaks, sheesham, Sagaun and into new teak and old seasoned teak.The buy versus build decision debate on the phone with my dad was a classic. So much did I learn there. I was an adventurer, a scientist carefully noting the properties of belted sofas and spring loaded ones.

Vartika brought in the dimensions that were not that important. The color (who cares) (like it should match with the Dining Table we have. Well if I bought a Rolls Royce, Should its color be decided by the color of garage door or vice versa), The ease of keeping a modern sofa versus a pain of maintaining a traditional one (again a classic blunder by novices who are just trying to talk sense. If given a choice between a red blood hound and a Poodle, which one would you choose?) But yes we discussed her contributions to the discussion, but they were like a specific solution to the P=NP debate when I was trying to get a universal solution to the complexity debate. Once and for all. In one fell swoop. And so on.

And we are so hopeful that we would be able to own the sofa of our dreams in near future. The battle is being won, just like Gaddafi in Libya. The truth shall prevail, the preparation will lead to inspiration. Soon.

The corner waits with a tempered silence.

Ohh and by the way. The blog has withered. I have been meaning to write so often with so much determination. The crucial issues on my mind have been Manmohan Singh, Niira Radia (she is a heroine), A Raja, Karunanidhi and his three official wives and official kids, Supermemo, Algorithmic Complexity, Cpp Coding, Interns, Non-performing Assets, Navier Stokes, P=NP, Standard of Education imparted in IITs, Standard of Doctors in India, GST, Chitrangda Singh, Udai Singh Pawar and his excursions, Booming Babies, Its raining babies, beaches, beaches at moonlight, is universe encoded with a string of the size of a transcendental number like pi or e, so even we start decoding the world and its mysteries, we never end. May be that is God

One key thought I had on a high note with udai on the beach at 2 in the night was “imagine there are seven emotions. To create an amazing story, one just needs to project the story in such a dimension such as to eliminate that emotion. So lets say we eliminate greed and now none of the characters in the story has greed or just the main character does not have the “concept” of greed. How different his life would be or how life would be different for him as a result.” I guess Shakespeare had such a thought and thus all novellas and emotions can be traced back to his “original” works. Maybe I am late on this idea, but a beautiful one nonetheless. So much could have been written but its the sofas that afflict me. Its a disease. Same as Sherlock Holmes turning to bee-keeping. We all need a hobby, because work is too serious.

Raizada Heritage Fund and Pimping it!

2010-06-30T04:45:00.000-07:00

Inspired by the Bombay lines which come to because of Bombay Rains.

"When its dry, you can fry
It rains and you walk in drains"

I am surprised why have I not been able to realize this fact. A fact that is infact, been staring at me with cold blue eyes. The true passion of modern Indian Generation seems not to be an innovator, a creator, a discoverer, an Ayn Rand person. Based on the happenings of late, as in the last Ten years, it seems so, it really seems so.

But I tell you, every time you want some work done like a passport, driving license, construction permission, company registration ... they suck every ounce of blood, so I ask why should I pay taxes honestly. Look at the shitty roads, shitty trains, shitty power supply, shitty water supply, shitty governance. With all my sagacity, sometime I want to rip a few and want to see the blood flow.

Lets begin. Starting from 1999, Kargil. The Coffin Scam. The Purchase Scam. The Admiral Gorshokov Scam. The IC 814 Debacle. and If I went this way, then it will go on and on and we would remember what we had forgotten. So lets not concentrate on this. Rather lets take the shining example -

The new reawakened Bhopal Gas .

Lets just think of the Stakeholders (Indians Only).

Union Carbide India Ltd : Indian Subsidiary, Producing what Union carbide was not allowed to produce in US. So essentially involved in production of that, not knowing what, how and when to do what.

Local Authorities (Regulatory) : if this exists, they were obviously napping after having gotten decent sums from UCIL and looking the other way, I am not even sure if they knew what was being produced and for what, using what process.

Local Authorities (Administrative) : Allowed Bastis to set up near a highly dangerous chemical factory. Unsure of how many died, suffered and so on and on. Basically No idea type people.

National Authorities : With the kind of efforts national authorities have shown in doing something about this verdict, throwing tax payer money at Bhopal Gas Victims. (it was obviously not going fromt heir pockets) They have not only shown the callousness, rather insensitivity of a professional.

Local Courts : Well, I guess the Judge should have read some chemistry books before pronouncing the verdict. I guess he was overawed by the Government Support to UCIL and Dow and others.

Supreme Court : basically they decided the settlement in 1989 with 470 million accepted and refusing to allow Union Carbide to be tried in US courts. Then Honorable Judge A N Ahmadi does the 304 A trick and everyone goes scot free. And He is made the Chairman of the Bhopal Gas Trust. Trust a jackal to save the dead. (Won't call him a tiger)

NGOs : basically plying their trade in others misery. Getting acclaim and what not. The number of pretenders are far more than the real ones.

Police : well they are mostly helpless morons who have neither the idea nor the courage. If things never happened, they had be happy.

CBI : Well what do I say about them. Not a single conviction in any financial case since 1979. Their inability to do good seems too good to be true. They are the doves, who refuse to see bad, do good and even try.

People of the Nation : Well it had be better to take a rash action and trample the parliament, rather than be silent mute spectator to the loot and rape of dead.

So now that we have seen the best of the Democracy : A government for the people, by the people, off the people.

So what so common about all the stakeholders in Bhopal Gas. The word Pimp.
Everyone has been able to "pimp" themselves off in a manner that had make the pimps ashamed. Each and everyone of the stakeholders has pimped the dead off.

In Conclusion, Indians deserve nothing better. Sell everything off. Outsource the Himalayas to Europe. Sell the Rivers to Middle East. Give the Animals to China. Anything and Everything that can be sold should be sold off. Pimp, Pimp and Pimp. Till all is left is Pimps.

And to those who say matters in life are gray, neither black nor white... An appearance of a Black Swan does not make other non-white, those who are white remain white. So does the complicity of the above in this crime does not absolve them of the sin. Should they not be tried here, for the simple fact of justice being meted out, I hope "fervently" for a God to exist.

Raizada Heritage Fund and "Jai Bolo Baba Rai Kam - Kaam Zada Ki"

2010-03-28T19:52:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time indeed. I feel the need to write overcome all my stiff resistance, resistance to spend (read waste) time on things that are not related to the venture. I put in all my waking hours into it. I babble about derivatives and algorithms or so, my wife claims. Thankfully I can’t hear myself talk when I am asleep. For the past twenty four hours, I have been itching to write, some voice inside of me (also insistence on part of wife) coaxes me to write this time. I don’t know if what I write is worth it, I have always had feelings of worthlessness of output; the feeling of murderous rage inhabits some part of me. So let’s get to what I was itching about.

I realize that Life has no meaning. At least I can’t find one. All of us, at one time or other, try to commit that mistake. I do that often. Repeat Offender!! I had been in love with this book by Scott Adams – Gods Debris. I have recommended it to a number of people and it’s free. I can really feel that the guy can feel something different. God's Debris espouses a philosophy based on the idea that the simplest explanation tends to be the best (a corruption of Occam's Razor). It surmises that an omnipotent God annihilated himself in the Big Bang, because an omniscient God would already know everything possible except his own lack of existence, and exists now as the smallest units of matter and the law of probability . He was talking sense, exactly in a manner that I would ascribe the definition of God to.

The use of patterns, probability and physics made it especially memorable. One would even tend to look over some flaws in the arguments but it is essentially right. Vartika had been an ardent admirer when I recommended it to her and then I sent it to a dear friend of mine, Anil, who gets to reason my crappy ideas. They especially loved it and wowed it. It got me thinking. We have the same backgrounds, similar educations, similar issues with life. On the other hand, recommending it to people from other walks, did not elicit a similar wow response. On those occasions, I was like they can’t appreciate a work of genius. It got me thinking. I thought for a long time. Three years maybe more. I chewed on it, arguing against and for, working out the right arguments and so on. And then it dawned.

Have you seen Hindus fight the Muslims and Muslims the Jews and Christians against Muslims and Hindus against Christians and so on? The never ending debate. Vaishnavs against Shaivas, Thakurs against Banias , but it never ends. Recently followers of Hindu Priests have clashed, the Akharas as they call them. Its wonderful, keeps everyone busy. I have also been silently cursing these and for missing the scientific and rational outlook and spirit. In Kolkata Book Festival, I gave a very thorough rubdown to one Anadamargi. I have nothing against them, the people of the world, except they don’t ascribe to my “correct” views and that they do not accept the wisdom of the high priest of “Some Half Baked Shit and Crap”. And so it got me thinking. Honestly. Especially after this Nityanand Guy, I was like lusting for the kind of control he had on people. I was like People are born stupid, this that and crap.

I wondered how I could tell that the knowledge and wisdom that dawned upon me was correct. What could I prove, other than a few logic lemmas with a few “safe” assumptions? Was I being delusional? Was I in too much love with my own ideas? Ahh.. a lot of people have subscribed to this. So many educated people cannot be wrong. But the pattern was so unmistakably there. I was blind.

Let me bring it to context. These days I pore over numbers, patterns and statistical tests. I believe in them, I do, else I would not be doing it. There are a number of ways to trade in the market, Fundamentally, Technically, Statistically, Wishfully.... ad infinitum, ad nauseum. The problem in this field is that the Profit/Loss function determines your way to be correct. However some ways work some times and sometimes the other works. The only true way to make money in a Capital Market is to be a broker, a middleman. Dalaali as they say in the street is the only true way. The same holds true for religion. The only people making money and deriving happiness are the ones running the business. People like the Pope, the Shankaracharya, the Mullahs, the Pandas, the Priests, the Temple Trust Wallahs, the Bishops and so on. What do you get in return? You have to confess, you have to forego food, forego wealth, forego supposedly “bad” thoughts, forego comfort. What do you get in return, a feeling of not having done enough, a feeling of being subservient to someone, a feeling of impurity, a feeling that somehow you be ever able to measure up.

The pattern I saw was that only people like me, ascribed to the bullshit I liked. So if we could have been collectively that delusional, what makes us better than those billions of Hindus and Muslims and Christians, whom we crib about? They all are as blind as we were. They are all as desperate to seek god or godliness as we were. They are as human as we are. So why should we criticize them, but the thing is once we know that we all have been collectedly delusional, let’s do something. Lets only believe in a God that we see, can feel and talk to. We need a Common Minimum Programme on this. Seriously we need it.

I see this every day. People would do navratras, rozas what not. Just to appease some god, some godwallah? And the concept of Heaven, I could tell you, it’s not better than sleeping in a mango orchard with mangoes at an arms reach, chewing sugarcane in the fields, being near to your loved ones, the natural things by extension. Religion is altogether a sham. When you go to a Sadhu or a learned one, he will make intelligent guesses and you would end up claiming that they saw inside you. Some bit of hypnosis and guesswork and a lot of confidence on their part and gullibility and fear and stupidity on our part, that’s all it takes.

I could have taken innumerable examples but I will take personal one. Hanuman ji is revered at our home. So I asked my grandmother, why did he increase his size when he wanted to go to Lanka. She told me, so he could fly easier. Would it not be easier to fly if he was smaller like the birds. But then he was hanuman ji. On another occasion, why did he not beat Bali for Sugreev, if they were such dear friends. Hanumanji had been given a shraap that he would forget his powers if he tried to do this and that. Comfortably solved. But I still remember them and so these would propagate. The fact is all of it is lies, woven in a tale of considerable complexity to be any one grantha, so you would need several texts to understand it. Once you are through the texts to realize the utter crap, you are earning through them and thus dependent on them. But the fact is, its utter crap. Its bullshit. All this religion and crap is pure crap. At times you would be tempted to ascribe to it, but be stronger then.

Till such time, I open my own ashram and invite you over, save your hard earned pennies and hand them over at that time. To all, who ascribe... Jai Bhokaal.

Send in your contributions to

Raizada Heritage Fund.

We also use Paypal , They have resumed. All other babas, religions are bullshit. I am the only “real” one.

P.S. Don’t tell your logical spouses, relatives and friends. They won’t get it. They are cursed to be here and not be able to see the true religion.

Raizada Heritage Fund and Revenge of the Homework

2009-12-19T05:39:00.000-08:00

Last couple of months have been incredibly tough. Not in terms of work, effort or anything similar. They have been tough for there has been no diversion. Not a move to move away. All my life has been characterized by bypassing the tough things when they got tougher. I had always been able to justify it with an excuse, a new vagrancy, a “valid” desire for solitude, for seeing things... innumerable things that can somehow instil in you a curiosity. And I had move in such a way for avoiding things when they got tougher.

I have been very critical of myself, all this while... while the desires and efforts burned away the edges off me, thus rounding the square peg that I was. The inevitability of life, I would have called it. But now I think I have gotten round to a point where I know. That is an achievement. I know that I belong, that I have tried, that I have succeeded. The dilettante is gone. Here comes the scrapper who won’t give an inch, who won’t budge, who won’t blink. Something like the Indian Cricket Team these days. There is this swagger, this innate sense of belonging. The fielding is so sorry, but there is the “walk the talk” attitude. It may all be false bravado. Who knows but yes they have arrived. They have a plan other relying on Tendulkar. I mean, I spent all that good time on cricket, imagining India would one day win convincingly. From the Reliance World Cup in 1987 to 1996 Semi-final, I was always there but then I had it. The heartbreak of Kolkata will never be forgotten though. Never. But yes lichens grow where there was nothing. I miss the purity of cricket now, but that’s left and at least it lasts.

I have a couple of kid brothers who were lambasting Tendulkar sometime back. Asking me the sanity of keeping that grandpa in the team. I hate to these days tell people that I had break their heads, but those two nearly got it. It was like the old times. The one time a friend got beaten up when India lost and he sided with Pakistan. But its like those lines “Khuda ke vaaste purdah na kaabe ka utha Ghalib, Kahin aisa na ho vahaan bhi vahi pathar ka sanam nikle”. The false religions, the false prophets are the ones loved most. There is a tremendous change in the way India operates. Things happen, slowly but things are happening. Values are changing but things are happening.

Unfortunately I don’t get the music these days. I mean, do you even remember the music that was playing a couple of months back. This is the age of use and throw. Take it if you like it, use it, trash it and please buy again. Its an age of cheap wisdom, an age of doing the “right” things. There is too much confidence in people, something I had never seen before in People I knew. Mebbe its because they all use Facebook and thats where you meet them. Maybe.

But yes Calcutta has changed to Kolkata and nothing else changed here. It still takes eons to get things done here and I miss the industriousness of Bombay. And I miss home. If I miss home, I have a tremendously bad mood. But I will be back soon.

There was this time, I don’t know if anyone remembers. But there was this kid Matthew Eapen. He was barely an year old and his Au Pair killed him. And I had great faith in American System then. My Father had foretold that she had be set free and thats what happened. Even after it was proven beyond doubt, they let her go on a technicality. That was American Justice. We see the duplicity everywhere. The Osamas and the Obamas are all excuses. The fact is all simple. They just don’t give a shit. It was 25 years of Bhopal Gas Tragedy and The Sell Out by Indian Government and Indian Judiciary was so stark, that the same people should be hung for subverting justice. Someday someone will bring justice to the ones who massacred thousands. Accidents happen, but looting poor people, just because you can, shows the kind of people they are. Like when Lincoln said “But if you want to test a man's character - give him power”. Obama is a poop, whiter than the white.

And I was reading Calvin Hobbes today and it was beautiful again. The simple and acute three liners are a killer. And then I reviewed a SoP for my sister. Whoa, its a torture. Simplifying things is tough. But somehow we still have the temerity to dream, hope and hope again. Maybe thats all there is to life.

And time for the truth.

जो तटस्त हैं समय करेगा उनके गुनाह तय

Darr

2009-11-24T08:59:00.000-08:00

Aaj bahut akela lag rahaa thaa.. pataa nahin kyun...
aaj lagaa ki darr hai ... zaroor hai.. aur rahega...
kabhi woh tum pe haawi to kabhi tum uspe
lekin zindagi rahegi... aur ... kya rahey zinda?

Jo tahastha hain samay karega unke gunaah taye...

Bas keh diyaa jo kehna thaa.. thoda sa

Raizada Heritage Fund - Call to Alms

2009-11-19T09:08:00.001-08:00

am sitting here and its 11 in the night ... Well I have been sitting here since 8 in the morning. And I wonder what plays. An old Don Maclean Song. American Pie. I mean that was supposed to be 10 years back. I was listening to them in first year at IITK. Its a comedy, tragedy, rollercoaster, rollicking.. all those adjectives that you use for things which you can't even remember ... but in the past they look magnificent. They look like they should come back and when you really really remember hard, it just sounds that important. I mean, why is it so important. why will it ever be important. It won't even be a footnote in any book. So much for histrionics.

When I was sixteen, I had drawn a plan. A complete plan. Some sort of Dummies Guide to Life and all things thereof. Now I know it was an incredible thing for me to do. Because everyone at that age does make a plan. But these is plenty that had not even accounted for, the grimy details, the listless days, the unanswered questions, the lost highway kind of movies. Now you might get what I am trying to say. We all planned on getting there is style and the biggest car and the biggest jalopy and the fastest plane. But then so much happened to me, that I had not even had the time to think or wish, it never occurred to me that I should have wished for them.

My earliest memory of literature is at age 6, speed reading a Noddy while being dressed for school. I mean, I had that escape. Just slip into those novels, follow those protagonist when they weren't feeling themselves, unnoticed. Poems, Articles, Schools later. I write anonymous. For the meander. Ahhh. What a drag it was, but I did write them. and after that I started blogging. The years marked with confused, angry writing. The word that describes it is Angst. There were friends, their comments, emails, friendships new and revived. It was my own place,my own space, my niche, my territory.

The itch is still there. I sit here in Calcutta. I never thought I had come back to this place ever again. There were no reasons. I never got to love this place like I think I should have. But I am here. I am here and I hardly see the sun. Its a 16 hour day and a very deep sleep. But I miss my life, my wife, the cool comfy life in Mumbai. But then this is the thing that i was itching about. So now here we sit starting up. I mean, in Calcutta. The streets that have been same for the last 200 years. I don't think Burrabazar has changed a bit in the last ten years. So nothing much has changed since the last mail, the blast from the past. Come to think of it, I have been eating vegetarian for 2 weeks straight and hardly ever complaining about it. But thats small stuff.

While people are having kids, buying homes, becoming megastars, I sit here in Calcutta. I mean, I could have been anywhere. Anywhere. But somehow this had to happen. Almost everything that I do, has changed. I was always a driven person but I had almost lost it, growing up. I could have been a back-bencher, an almost dropout, but I made it through with friends. But the right people have always come along, handheld me, providing me with confidence, madness, leaving me with time and energy. Let me pursue my desires, my dreams. So now I sit here. And i with all my honesty, make a good case for myself. Why do anything with a second hearted effort. But its scary. its scary. Because you have to fight the demons of fear, of failure. Why did I ever make such a stupid move. But my family supported me most. People in whose place if I were, would consider this to be Dhokha. but they are there and supporting me all the way.

In sum, I had a vague idea that I had be happy in ten years and ten years are over and here I am. But this is the way I wanted it. Fighting it out on the turf, tears and sweat and blood. No one has a straight idea, nor any inkling of where life is taking us. But yes, life is a crazy old thing which makes you fight it all the way and then give you what you want, and make you realize that this wasn't really what you wanted. hehe. I mean its crazy.

But this city calls to you. I mean so does every other city. In its own feeble way. On my way down to get some muri, I daily see this kid reading his books on the pavement in the street light. And I feel like picking him up and kissing him on his forehead. Except that I never do it. Just that tears nearly well up in my eyes but never really materialise. I mean, remember gandhiji's talisman in CBSE books. it makes my day. I hope it makes yours.

"I will give you a talisman. Whenever you are in doubt, or when the self becomes too much with you, apply the following test. Recall the face of the poorest and the weakest man [woman] whom you may have seen, and ask yourself, if the step you contemplate is going to be of any use to him [her]. Will he [she] gain anything by it? Will it restore him [her] to a control over his [her] own life and destiny? In other words, will it lead to swaraj [freedom] for the hungry and spiritually starving millions?
Then you will find your doubts and your self melt away."

- One of the last notes left behind by Gandhi in 1948.

The perspective is what we lack. The fact that we are alive, we are well, we are in the best of health. We ought to be grateful to someone, maybe some gods, Ahh I meant parents. And then frankly, who the hell gives a damn. The distance between us thankfully is of miles, not minds. Thats what I am grateful for.

A new turn and a new road...

2009-09-18T02:52:00.000-07:00

Just talked to my boss and told him of my decision. Feeling afraid anf fearful and butterflies in stomach. Let it be known he was shitting in his pants at this point.

Day 1 - Beta Version

2009-08-13T21:32:00.000-07:00

Worried - No

Tired - Yes

Angry - Yes

I have the meeting I have waiting for so long. Yesterday evening I started feeling heavy and throat started to croak. I told my wife and she was very very understanding. Giving me all the support and cheer that you need on these occasions. The Janmasthami preparations she carried out with aplomb.

Today morning I woke up with tremendous bodyache and pretty bad throat. So I called my boss and told him that I was down. I will go to hospital to get myself checked.

Allah jaane, Raam jaane... kya hogaa... but I am supposed to live till 81. So lets see.

A Sober one

2009-08-11T10:52:00.000-07:00

A tough day. Lots of money made. Tired and dead. Walking back on Churchgate in my own thoughts. A person rushes past me and hits me on the shoulder. I just try holding my own and he loses his footing and ends up sprawled all over. I pick his case up and walk to him "Kyaa karte ho bhaiya?". Neither angry nor mad. Just worried.

The person gets up, gritting his teeth. "Bhaiyaa mat kehna saale".

In a second, I lose my cool. "To kyaa behena kahoon"

"Bas bhaiya mat kehna".

A very normal person he was. Dressed well. I had nothing but absolute anger in me, boiling all over me. What the fuck does he take me for? I had all thoe thoughts of being seriously mad at him, them, those types. I cooled myself and walked away. Not even looking behind. Not a show of weakness, but absolute indifference.

Something that I had felt in Switzerland and Germany. Something that I had felt in Kolkata. Something I had felt in Bangalore. Also in Pune. Also in almost all places I have been. Mebbe it was a sense of not belonging anywhere.

Then I thought of it. I thought of the hate. I could never do anything to placate it. Nothing would ever make it go. Hate is the strongest emotion. Repulsion is the easiest and strongest. Can you forgive the English for ruling us 300 years. Can you let Aussies get away with Sledging us? Can you forgive Thackeray for targeting Bhaiyas.

Hate is undeniable, Hate is impossible to remove. Hate is always ever present. Something like the void in all space. Something like the Devil even if God was here. I forgive and walk on. But that small small bit of anger, hate remains. I dont know the answer but I know the answer. And I know the solution. Just walk your own path. Just do what you feel right is. Just do it the way you want to. Just be.

Musings

2009-07-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

I have been delaying the inevitable spurt of words, on the simple pretext that I ought to concentrate on work. Work has given me a glimmer of hope. Things have taken a turn for the better. However, there have been intermissions in this. New ideas. They have come in and stolen precious hours of work. As it is, thinking time has reduced. ideas like Plagiarism on Internet, Public PE, Subscription have and should have been given much more importance.

Other than that, me and vartika went on the much delayed honeymoon. A four day trip to Kerala. No work, no thinking, no routine, four days of complete abandon and sharing was what had been lacking in a great way. I had suggest no one should delay their honeymoon. Never should they do this. They owe it to themselves and each other. So close to nature and such beauty, I had forgotten in the dung caked mumbai. Looks like if algo trading doesnot pick up, then I will have to move and do something that I find more meaning in.

Lately I have been worried. very worried. Its time to find what I am meant to be doing. its time. God, Are you listening? need ya ...

Of lives and dreams and pangs

2009-07-06T00:45:00.001-07:00

We have spent quite a lot of time on working out ... things.. things that would make us reach our dreams. It has meant a lot to us, the band has changed. Such has beent he coming and going of people. Even I have thought of quitting a number of times. But this is fine. If not plagued by self-doubt, how can a man create something? So it will b fine . In the end, I will walk with a head held high?

What has happened to the blog. I have tremendous number of ideas. Bu it has become very difficult to let them be written down on the sheet or the screen.

Mebbe I should now start writing a bit more. Ruk jaa zaraa

By Her - Dreams

2009-06-04T09:07:00.000-07:00

Dreams

Dreams- the pristine clouds; Unbridled, uncurbed, untamed in sky
Are nothing but concoctions, that precipitate into a flurry……

Dreams- those imprecated birds, that left their nests, to know not where
And were harped by death, in their journey of quest…..

Dreams- the unfinished painting, with crooked lines and myriad hues
But lost the muse, before the painter got his due….

Dreams- the beautiful rainbow; appealing, fascinating and invigorating you
But was washed off the form, before its mysteries I could unsew….

Dreams- the sublime consciousness, vignetting our thoughts
Waking us in the nights, but in daylight are like battles lost

Dreams- the carved glass form, splitting the morning rays
That lost its panache when sharded into million frays

Dreams are those stars that I tried hard to reach…
Dreams are those songs that I could never beseech…
Dreams are the dews that melted in my hand…
Dreams are the plants that failed to grow in sand….
Dreams were ripples that died without a stir
Dreams were those ideas that were nothing but a blur

But dreams are also thoughts, that guide me through
Dreams are blessings that I count for you….
Dreams are longings that I crave for and yearn,
A packful of wishes still yet to unfurl…..
Dreams are not the end but a beacon of start
To own and possess what one truly deserves

Home Alone

2009-06-03T01:06:00.000-07:00

When you enter a phase where you examine your life and reevaluate your goals, there can be a number of outcomes. You can decide that you've been a failure, and that it's no use trying any longer. You can decide that you haven't done as well as you wished, and try harder. You can decide that things haven't gone like you wanted them to, and alter your goals, to see if new ones might be reachable. You can decide that it's someone else's fault that you aren't where you wanted to be. You can celebrate your successes, and ignore your failures. There are many other possible outcomes, but you get the idea.

It's complicated.It is the complicated nature of human beings, though, that makes them so interesting. Any given wild animal can be watched, and very little happens that will surprise the experienced observer. But no matter how long you study humans, you never quite know what to expect.

What?

2009-04-23T05:16:00.000-07:00

Thats what everybody's response is.

Where did you go on your honeymoon.

Sorry. We have not gone yet.

What?

And there it all begins. I am so slow and sick. I can't even move my butt. Let alone scratch it.
I hope i can be better and do something worthwhile. While we have spent the first month at home only, I hope we can do the honeymoon int he first year.

Work has taken its toll.

Lots and lots of catching up to do.
Lots and lots.
I hope I can make it upto expectations.

तलाश

2009-04-13T10:53:00.000-07:00

दो शब्द थे, एक साथ नहीं मिलते
मिले तो अर्थ खो गया, अर्थ मिला
तो मर्म खो गया, मर्म भी मिला जब,
तो बस मेरा खुदा नहीं रहा

Comeback

2009-04-13T10:37:00.000-07:00

I sit here with a very bad taste in my mouth. All of a sudden.

I sit here hating the very life, I had scorned. I sit here with violent thoughts and violent words screaming in my mind. I sit here smarting, smartin from wounds that have been self-inflcited. I sit here very confused, utterly confused. What is it that I started out for, where am I, Am I still going towards where i started out for and Do I still want it?

I have been having these terrible mood swings. I am all laughter one second and another I am tearing my hair out. I don't know. I seriously don't. It is a sea change from just months ago. Just months ago I was pouring myself into work. I had the direction, the will, the courage. And now I sit here wondering if I am fat or not. I hate this myself, I seriously hate myself right now.

I seriously am disappointed professionally. Its my lament. My God, if you exist, give me a battle worth fighting for. Give it to me now, or take all that you have given me. No questions asked and no tears shed. I shall retire in peace knowing no battles ought to be fought for, for which the discipline is required. There the bells won't toll, they won't call to us and we shall exist in complete deafening silence. An eternal silence that shall shout to us of our inadequacies.

Jettison

2009-02-08T17:37:00.000-08:00

I woke up at 5 I think. I lay thinking. Thinking hard.
It was kind of hysteria. I got up. Looked at "things to do" list, I always prepare, never follow.
A weekend wasted, viral again, the same symptoms that allow me creativity did not this time. Was too afraid, fearful.

So there I sat. I walked and paced thinking furiously. I needed that. Inevitable things come and they come inevitably. I mean, one always knew but never anticipated in such minute magnificent way. It could have been playing ghar-ghar. I was always the kind to soak up a lot of everything. I was the kind who had stay alone, making my own notes, and once in a while, sit down and revisit the entire collection of nostalgia. My plans which are unborn, still-born. My longings, untouched, unkempt.

Then I decided to get all my papers in order. Everything was mish-mash. There was an entire history of my life for two years. The ideas, the desires, the hysteria was all pervading. And then I came across a notes print out. "Trading and Hedging Options" I was like where are we going. And there I saw the naivete of a person with too much to prove. The claims. The gusto. It was bravo.

I sat down and revised all that had passed me by on this journey where I had so many notions broken and remade. On the last two pages was a furiously scribbled post. I was like, Have i ever posted that one. Did it get born?

So I sat down and checked. http://teentotoons.blogspot.com/2007/10/i-asked-him-about-his-enemies-he-began.html there it was. So long ago.

Contemplated how people around me would respond about my blog. Contemplated and then logged off.

अच्छा लगा

2009-01-12T01:12:00.001-08:00

आज बुझ सी गयी है दिल की जलन
मुझको नहीं है अब पता ज़िंदा हूँ क्या
बस बहुत ही बद-मज़ा हो रखा था
आपने छु कर अपना कहा, अच्छा लगा

प्यास

2009-01-09T22:46:00.000-08:00

दर्द हद्द से बढ़ जाए तो दुआ हो जाए
प्यार गर इतना बढे तो खुदा हो जाए
अब तो सपनों में ही लगी है आस
कि रहमदिल हो, दो बूँद से बुझाओगी प्यास

मेरे खुदा

2009-01-09T22:45:00.000-08:00

मेरे खुदा इतना रहम तो कर
यह नज़र थोडी नरम तो कर
नहीं बनाता अपना तो ना सही
मर जाऊं यहीं इतनी ख़बर तो कर

My Work

2009-01-05T20:12:00.000-08:00

Saving it so that I can read it once in a while to feel better about myself.

By Anurag Joshi
MUMBAI, Aug 21 (Reuters) - India's Axis Bank <> is in
talks with foreign banks to sell structured bonds worth $50-100
million, with the coupon spread likely to be linked to three- or
six-month Libor (London Interbank Offered Rate), a bank official
said on Thursday.
The proceeds from the bonds, which would have a maturity
between one and three years, will be used to fund the bank's
foreign operations, the official, speaking on condition of
anonymity, told Reuters.
"We are considering proposals from overseas banks to sell
this product. The coupon spread offered to investors would be
increased by 10 to 20 basis points each quarter," the official
said.
"Liquidity in the global markets is tough and that's why
there is a significant mark-up towards the risk premium."
The transaction could be done with two or three overseas
banks, the official said, adding the bonds would have a put
option that would allow early redemption by investors.

A banker with a foreign bank confirmed Axis Bank was looking
to raise funds through a structured bond product.
"We have spoken with them for such a product," the banker
said, adding talks had been for a deal worth up to $25 million.
Asian bond spreads have widened considerably as a result of
the global credit squeeze, with investors demanding a higher
premium to buy new bonds.
The spread on actively traded five year bonds issued by ICICI
Bank's <>, India's second-largest bank, has widened to
around 440 points over 5-year U.S. Treasury bonds <>
from 350 basis points in early December.

प्याजी सी साडी

2009-01-01T23:32:00.000-08:00

प्याजी सी साडी में लिपटी हुई वोह,
खडी थी कहने को बहुत कुछ आतुर,
परतों पे परतें, जैसे तहें हों,
प्याज की भाँती, आंखों में आंसू कुछ,
एक शांत सी नींद और होठों पे मुस्कराहट
परतों के नीचे का रहस्य मिला जब
उनसे नहीं कोई गिला हमें अब
जब अपने ही खो गए अर्थ कहीं सब

Long time

2008-12-29T00:43:00.000-08:00

This is the longest time i have been away from the blog.

Curious things have happened in this time. Have made lots of resolutions and failed to keep them. I don't know whats happening but a certain rot has set in. I just to let go of this inertia and move on. Yesterday i made a bold move and it hurts. It hurts a lot. Koi na. Dekha jaayega.

Six Sher

2008-09-18T01:38:00.006-07:00

मेरे दर्द पे वाह-वाह करते हैं वोह
लगता था कि उसके आने से सब्र टूटेगा
बस कुछ न, कम से कम एक दम देखेंगा सही,
लेकिन बदला ना, दगाबाज़ निकला

Paanch Sher

2008-09-18T01:38:00.005-07:00

अब और दर्द कि दुआ करूँ,
जिस्म-ऐ-जूनून में है वहीँ रहे
होश भी ना आए इस ख़याल से,
ले चल जहाँ तू मिल जाए मुझे

chaar sher

2008-09-18T01:38:00.004-07:00

इतना चाहा ना करो, कि परेशान रहो
तुम्हारे आगोश में नहीं गुज़र अपना
उसने बनाया है, चाहा भी होगा,
अपने हाथों में लेकर, दर्द-ओ-दवा भी देगा

teen sher

2008-09-18T01:38:00.003-07:00

सिखाया ही नहीं किताबों ने कभी,
कि कैसे निकलते हैं इस जलवे से जालिम
बस कहते रहे कि बच के रहो, दूर रहो,
और उस्सी किताब में लिखा किसा लैला-मजनू का

do sher

2008-09-18T01:38:00.002-07:00

दर्द लिख देता हूँ स्याही से
अब तक ना ठीक ना खतम ही हुआ
बहुत परेशान रहे हो तुम,
कि बिना नागा भरते दवात
बस इतनी कि ना दुबूँ मैं
और ना ही साँस ले सकूँ

Ek sher

2008-09-18T01:38:00.001-07:00

तोड़ दो मुझे, टूट के भी नहीं मानूंगा तेरी खुदाई
चल दिए हो मोड़ के मुहं, नहीं बर्दाश्त तेरी जुदाई
कुछ इस तरह से अब ठान लिया है, कि इंतज़ार रहेगा
उस जनम का, जब हम खुदा, तुम सनम पेश आओगे

Old Old Blog

2008-08-28T02:35:00.001-07:00

I feel empty. I feel raw. I feel rotten. I feel like not feeling.I have nothing to show, if someone to ask me about what I have achieved in my stay on this planet. Nothing.what is a few flirtations with literature, knowledge, pain and sweat.No blood. No tears. No medallions. No gallantry.Ah! I am disgusted with myself for being so ordinary.I deserve the void for I do not work half as hard as I could.I am wasting my life.

Dying In Silence

2008-08-28T00:50:00.000-07:00

It was always about dreams. Some had died, some were dying and yet they kept me alive. Feeding me the desire and passion and the need to persevere, they should have died with me. Dreams.

And then you know that some of them have to pass away unknowing, unspoken. Not even whispers. Silence in their deaths. did they deserve this, they could have died earlier. Do they even deserve mourning? I wonder if people can let something so unreal live on for so long.

Its about dreams and even in silence, they should be mourned. They should be mourned for they defined me once and have shaped me, the way I am in a thousand different small ways.

जावेद अख्तर - अब अगर आओ

2008-07-07T11:39:00.001-07:00

अब अगर आओ तो जाने के लिए मत आना
सिर्फ अहसान जताने के लिए मत आना
मैंने पलकों पे तमन्‍नाएँ सजा रखी हैं
दिल में उम्‍मीद की सौ शम्‍मे जला रखी हैं
ये हँसीं शम्‍मे बुझाने के लिए मत आना
प्‍यार की आग में जंजीरें पिघल सकती हैं
चाहने वालों की तक़बीरें बदल सकती हैं
तुम हो बेबस ये बताने के लिए मत आना
अब तुम आना जो तुम्‍हें मुझसे मुहब्‍बत है कोई
मुझसे मिलने की अगर तुमको भी चाहत है कोई
तुम कोई रस्‍म निभाने के लिए मत आना

बकवास - २

2008-07-07T11:08:00.000-07:00

आज थोड़ा थका सा लग रहा है। पता नहीं क्योँ, इसमे ऐसा कुछ है जो अजीब सा है। लेकिन बस अजीब है। यह वक्त थोड़ा रुका सा हुआ है। कुछ हो नहीं रहा है और उमीदें इतनी है की बस पूछो मत। क्योँ है क्या है यह पूछने का वक्त नहीं है और अगर पूछों अपने आप से तो काफ़ी डर भी लगता है। डर इसका नहीं है की नहीं मिलेगा या नहीं होगा। डर इस बात का कि इसके बाद लड़ने का मन करेगा कि नहीं। यह तो अजीब सी बात हुई न आख़िर मेरे जैसे लोगों के लिए।

लेकिन बस अब ठान लूँगा और करने की सोच के भिड जाने को जी चाहता है। कहना भी बहुत मुश्किल है। समझाने का तो बस सब्र ही नहीं है। बहुत लोगों को बहुत बार यह कह के टाल दिया है कि काम है लेकिन कई बार ख़ुद को भी नहीं समझा पाता। एक लगता है कि बस समय कि बर्बादी है जो इतना वक्त इतना अछा समय दे रहा हूँ। बस हर पल एक घुटन है और एक बहुत रुकी हुई सी खामोशी। कई बार सोचा है कि क्या येही है जो मैं करना चाहता हूँ या कोई और मंजिल भी होगी। इस हफ्ते बहुत से लोग निकल गए हैं दुनिया देखने और में सिर्फ़ इन् चार दीवारों में एक एहसास एक ख्वाब टटोल रहा हूँ।

पता नहीं यार, बस इतना गज़ब ना ढहाना कि बहुत तमन्नाओं का खून है इनमे। अनगिनत।

बकवास

2008-06-28T06:40:00.000-07:00

आज बहुत कुछ कहने के लिए बैठा हूँ बहुत दिनों के बाद। अब सोचता हूँ की कुछ कहने के लिए बचा ही नहीं। लेकिन अभी नहीं कहा ना तो कभी नहीं कह पाऊँगा। शायद याद ही न रहे, और अगर रहा भी तो शायद इस तरह न रहे जैसा अभी है। कुछ तो है जो इस जिंदगी में मैं समझ नहीं पा रहा हूँ, कुछ है जो कहने को बैठा हूँ तो कह नहीं पा रहा हूँ । कई बार जिंदगी में कुछ चाहा है इतनी शिद्दत से, इतनी चाहत से। कई बार छु कर निकल गए हैं वोह पल जिन्हें हम पाने की चाह रखते थे। कई बार ऐसे तपाक से कहना की बस अगला अवाक रह जाए। यह भी नहीं होता अब मुझसे, बहुत सोच के, बहुत परेशान हो के, बहुत संकोच के साथ कहता हूँ आजकल। पहला वाला पागलपन नहीं है और वोह महसूस करने का जज्बा भी शायद नहीं बचा ।

तुम न हँसे हो, जग तो हँसे है,
तुम जो हंसो तो जुलुम होए जाए है

आज बहुत तपाक से याद आए तुम। अच्छा लगा जो कभी किसी ने ख़ुद कहा। शायद पहले मैं सुन ही नहीं पाटा था अपनी जिंदगी की उधेड़ बुन में । और अब बस कोई ऐसे ही कुछ कह देता है तो अच्छा लगता है। तपाक से।
इस हफ्ते कुछ अजीब सा रहा कुछ याद आना। एक सिरहन सी दौड़ गयी बदन अपनी एक ख्वाहिश को सोच कर कि क्या मैं यह सोच के कभी चला था की इस मोड़ पे मुलाक़ात होगी अपने से ऐसे ही, कुछ बदहवास से, बेहिस से। पता नहीं सच में नहीं पता।
और बस सब अमेरिका निकल लिए हैं। कुछ तो होगा वहाँ जो इतने लोग निकल रहे हैं, इतनी तादाद में, इतने जज्बे के साथ। कोई लौटा नहीं, कोई याद भी नहीं आता अब तो। खुदा सच में कुछ तो ऐसा होगा वहाँ तो इतने अपने खो गए हैं इतने मसरूफ हैं के बस पूछो ना, शायद रामधुन में ही इतनी बेफिक्री ना मिलेगी मुझे।
आज बहुत दिन बाद ऐसे ही लेते देख रहा था और समुन्दर बहुत नज़दीक प्रतीत हुआ। लेकिन कोई आवाज़ नहीं, कोई लहरों की आवाज़ नहीं बुलाती सुन पड़ रही है। यह शायद अच्छा ही है क्यूंकि बस अब अपनी तलाश में अपनेपन की तलाश में अपने को ढूँढने को चलने तैयार हूँ मैं। कुछ और तैयारी, कुछ और रह ना जाए की उलझन में काफ़ी कुछ शायद रह गया या चला गया। शायद सिर्फ़ ख़ुद को लाये थे और सिर्फ़ ख़ुद को ले जाना चाहिए यहाँ से। येही शायद यहाँ से सबक होगा। लेकिन ठीक है आजकल मजाज़ लखनवी और बशीर बद्र में काफ़ी मज़ा आ रहा है। ;) ।
कल रात काफ़ी पढ़ाई की और लगा की एक बार और भी पढ़ लूँगा तो थोडा और ही समझ आएगा, पूरा तो कभी नहीं तो बस आज आगे पढ़ा और लगा ठीक ही किया। कौन जाने आगे क्या हो, कौन आवाज़ दे रहा हो।

Notes on Life

2008-06-14T01:18:00.000-07:00

For lack of better titles, lets keep it really formal.
Bahut kuchh kehne ko hai. Bahut kuchh hai, bahut bahut hai. Koi sunne wala nahin hai.
Iska bhi koi gham nahin hai ki koi sunnewaala nahin. I am working through one of the most exciting parts of my life, professionally and I know it will never be the same again, So am smiling through the nights and early mornings. Savoring them like the last drops of rain.
I have been saving so many things I have beenw anting to write. But right now nothing takes control except the one thing that gives my life a definition and a meaning.
You know sometimes I just wake up int he middle of the nigth and wonder, wonder why it could not be more normal. What would that give me. Then I realized under different circumstances everytime, that it my way, my art of living and thats what makes me me.
I am subservient to no one, nothing precedes me, nothing lives after me and thats just me, quintessentially me.
All I want to say is that after a long long time, i sleep fulfilled, funfilled dreaming beautiful thoughts. Its the "umeed" that keeps you awake and that gives you sleep. Thats the way I am, thats the way I want to be and thats the way I had want to die.

To a friend

2008-06-01T21:42:00.000-07:00

It seems like life is a joke.
I can still imagine .. Veernala standing there laughing, trying to catch the train after it had left. Veernala was well different. Rest in Peace, my friend.
The most I will remember you from that painful stay in Chennai was your laugh. When you saw me eating pappu and I don't remember what all. It was just funny to be sitting there in Andhra Mess, all sweaty and laughing over food. It was fun while it lasted. I remember how you fought your way to Ghee Pongal. I did not knowm uch about you, except that we were made of stronger fiber, but somehow it doe snot seem that we had last. I remember the talks and the walks. And your concept of fashion was really fashion.
A salut to a life well lived, a short but nonetheless worth it. Chao Dude.

Something that made my day...

2008-05-24T01:24:00.001-07:00

Goli khaane ke baad,

Ek ke muh se nikla Ram,

Doosre ke muh se nikla Mao,

Teesre ke muh se nikla Aloo.

Post-mortem ki report yeh kehti hai,

Ki pehle do ke pet bhare hue the.

Sarveshwar Dayal Saxena of "Kaanch ki bund khidkiyon ke peeche"

It was a different time...

2008-05-18T23:09:00.000-07:00

I feel like running away. Infact I am running away in a few hours.When I left home to create my own perfect new world, I was so sure of the way things will turn out be. And I often end up creating only the a slow lazy solitude with a eerie silence engulfing my thoughts. I am torn emotionally, for my heart and my mind agree and yet I do not settle the scores. Ever seen anyone you love hang between the two hells. I have been sitting in ICU's and waiting rooms for the past nine days. The pretense that I care has gone too far. I mean I know it can only end one way and still for the person you love most, you do as they would like it. You talk of things that you think they had want to hear. you dig this one small hole and watch them from there.

My Dadi is a godly person. Since 1938, she has woken up at 4 and worshipped God. Thats a crazy 70 years. She has been on a ventilator for the past nine days. I wish I could count the number of tubes she is on. She has had a full life and yet. I mean, I had expect an easier death. A death, simpler and faster. What do I say? Its rotten Gods and Godliness. There is nothing to the concept of God. Its just a concept.

Death. It had been a very vulgar concept and in some ways it has changed what i feel. it seems like a desirable thing now in circumstances when you can't do and when prayers go unanswered. Maybe god does not listen to fools like me, but then there are better people around and they deserve to be listened. So God, you seem less likely every day.

My Mom and Dad have decided on standing by and fighting it on their own terms. They have surprised me with their stubbornness. Dad is not dealing with it well. He is in his thoughts and he is sometimes full of regrets. His eyes say them all. Mom on the other hand, while complaining about her hand and health is working harder. She had be sighing yet the food would be there and so would all the things that you need. They have bettered themselves with the single minded dedication and made me wonder if all the intellectual masturbation I do, if that is worth it, if thats the way to go. They sincerely are better people than I can ever be. and Dad says so will I be, once I know what it means to love unconditionally. So there is hope.

क्या फक्र करूं

2008-05-13T20:31:00.000-07:00

शब्दों पे क्या फक्र करूं
जब दुआओं में ही असर नहीं
कुछ कहने को हैं मचल रहे
पर सुनते कोई खुदा नहीं

करनी पे क्या फक्र करूं
जब होते सभी गुनाह सही
इधर लूट कर उधर काट कर
दो गज़ कपड़े का इन्तेजाम नहीं

रिश्तों पे क्या फक्र करूं
जब अपना कोई सगा नहीं
कहने को सब हैं अपने
पर सुनता कोई सदा नहीं

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा

2008-04-17T20:10:00.000-07:00

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा

तुम एक ख्वाब ही तो हो
आती हो चली जाती हो
कभी कभी एक आह सी छोड़ जाती हो
भारी सी इस ज़िंदगी को वीरान कर जाती हो

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा

इन पेडों की पत्तियों की सर-सराहट में
हँसी चांदनी में एक दर्द जगाती हो
सपना देखता हूँ एक दूधिया सफ़ेद पहाड़ का, और
सब तरफ़ अशार ही अशार नज़र आते हैं
इस स्याही से तुम्हारे बदन पर अपने निशां छोड़ जाऊं
और अपने शब्द तुम्हे उडहा के, करूं विदा

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा
सात घंटे बीते हैं तुम्हे गए हुए
कुछ दो घंटे और दे गयी हो मुझे
कुछ पल उजड़े से यहीं पड़े हैं
और एक वह जो मैंने मुट्ठी में जकडा हुआ है

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा

आज अकेले बैठे ही अनायास ही तुम याद आए
सब तरफ़ एक हँसी खुशबू सी थी
लगा तुम यहिओं कहीं हो, और आंसू उमड़ आए
इतना प्यार न करो मुझसे, कि
सह न सकूंगा, और 'गर करो तो
रखना विश्वास और मत गिनना यह पल

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा

यह समय तुम्हारे लिए, मेरे लिए,
अकेलेपन में बिताये हुए पल,
वक्त के खंडहर में, कुछ उजड़े साल,
पुकारते हैं तुम्हे, तुम्हारे एहसास को आतुर,
और अब बीत रहे हैं, कि कल कुछ न रहेगा
तुम मेरे पल ले लो, और मैं तुम्हारे

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा

मुझे ढूँढने दो, इस भीनी सी महक
जो तुम्हारी है, जो फुसफुसा रही है,
मुझे यदा-कदा पुकार रही है
और प्राप्त करने दो मोक्ष, तुम में

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा

इस ज़िंदगी में कुछ क्षण हैं,
जो मैं समझ नहीं पा रहा हूँ,
कुछ गिरेहे जो खुलते नहीं
कुछ पिंजर जो अकेले सड़ से रहे हैं,
इनमे एक क्षण हैं, जब सब अर्थ खो जाते हैं
और एक वह जब सब मिट जाता है

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा

चलो वापिस लौट चलें
जब ना तुम थे और ना मैं
जब हम हम ही ना थे
जब हम एक दूजे से जुदा थे

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा

और क्या हश्र होगा हमारा,
जब वीरान दो टापू से
जिनका छोर नहीं मिलता
रहेंगे खड़े हम इस समय के अंत तक

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा

वक्त के साथ हम बदल गए
मेरे एहसास पे निशां, और
कुछ भरे हुए से घाव, आखों के किनारे
अंधेरे, और तुम्हारी यादों कि शिकन,
अब कुछ बचा नहीं, छुपाने भर को
जब तुम गए, बदल गए सभी मायने भी

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा

वक्त ही ख़राब रहा होगा
मैं कुछ उलझा उलझा सा था
शायद तुम भी, और अब क्या कहूं,
तुमको को ना इस ज़िंदगी में
और ना ही मौत में पा सकता हूँ
समय को रोकने की एक थकी सी कोशिश
टूटा हुआ सा धैर्य
ना आगे बढ़ पाने की हिम्मत
ना तुमको जाने दे पाने का साहस जुटा पा रहा हूँ, मैं

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा

कभी रेत पे तुम्हारे निशान ढूँढता हूँ,
रात को अकेले ही मिकल जाता हूँ,
उस एक पल की तलाश में
जो लगता है लहरें बहा के ले गई अपने साथ

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा

चलेगी वह चढेगी पालकी में
पीली दूब, गर्म ओस गम की
पखारेंगे कदम तुम्हारे उदासी से
बज उठेगा सन्नाटा, मेरी तन्हाई भी

जब हवा तुम्हारे बाल उड़ा कर ,
छुपा लेती थी तुम्हारी आंखें, तुम्हारी मुस्कराहट
अब भी चलती है, उसी मंथर गति से
पर अब अबस उड़ती है रेत, आंखों मैं आंसू लाती है

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा

मेरी आवाज़ आज भी टकरा के लौटती है
पर नहीं सुनायी देती है तुम्हारी हँसी
बस सुनता है, टू दर्द के थपेडों की चाप
आंखें बोझल हैं, पर नींद कोसों दूर खड़ी है

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा

समझ सकता हूँ तुम्हारा मौन,
माना तुम मुझे माफ़ कर देती हो हर बार,
चल दिया हूँ मैं आगे, तुम भी बढ़ना
पर एक इल्तिजा है मेरी, मान लेना
माफ़ करो मुझे पर भूलना मत, यह एहसान करना

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा

तमन्नोयों का क्या है, कुछ भी मांग सकता है,
नादान है यह दिल, इसका क्या बुरा मानना,
पर कितना भी बेह्लाओं, कितना भी समझाऊं,
है टू आख़िर मुझ में ही, कहता है तो मेरा ही दोष है,
समझा लूंगा ख़ुद को, दे के थोडी तस्सल्ली,
मेरा मत सोचो, मैं ख़ुद ढूंढ लूंगा अपना मोक्ष

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा

ग़ालिब फैज़ दुहरा लिया करूंगा,
अगर टैब भी ना माना तो थोड़ा बेहेक लूंगा
तुम ज़रा भी घाम न करना, देखें हैं जो सपने,
उन्हे चाहूँगा, उन्हें पाऊंगा, बड़ी हसरत,
से मिली है यह ज़िंदगी, इससे वफ़ा करूंगा,
थोडा दर्द है, थोडा गम है, लेकिन जिए जाऊँगा

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा

कभी गर किस्मत, जो अभी हम पे मेहरबान नहीं,
मिला दे हमें, ज़िंदगी के किसी मोड़ पर,
हँसना, कहना, बहुत दिन बाद मिले, कैसे हो,
चलना तो कहना अच्छा लगा, जल्द ही फिर मिलेंगे

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा

गया नहीं किसी मन्दिर किसी गिरजे,
नहीं माँगा कुछ भी तुम्हारे सिवा, तुम्हारे बाद,
आज बहुत तमन्ना है की कुछ मांगू, कुछ चाहूँ,
चाहा की तुम खुश रहो, रहो सुखी, रहो आबाद सदा,
और चाहा ही है, तो मांग बता की तुम, तुम्हारी याद,
आए जिस तरह तुम आते थे, बहार साथ लाते थे,

तू एक हँसी ख्वाब बन के रह जा

Silences

2008-04-01T03:53:00.000-07:00

Let me say this now,
for i might not say it then,
When you come to me,
asking for the time above

I had wait for you to say,
I had wait that you may,
what i fear is not you stopping
to love me but I stopping to love you

It seems heartless to imagine that
but what about the time I spent
wanting to be nothing but just around
its a dulling ache and a filling wound

....

2008-03-10T06:15:00.000-07:00

Aaj bas baithe baithe mood off ho gayaa...

bas aise hi...

Testimonial from Orkut..

2008-03-05T04:43:00.000-08:00

XXXXXX XXXXXXX ... the name used to spell awe and terror once upon a time. It still does. Seldom before would God have created such a terrific mix of talent, passion, attitude, genius, idiosyncracy and sadism. The guy with an expert opinion and deep knowledge on almost everything under the sun - be it table tennis or be it kurosawa movies, be it freud or be it kafka. This man taught me so much about life. He is a loyal friend but beware of his hacking skills. For 4 years, he hacked the email account of each n every girl in IIT and provided us with unforgettable moments of cheap fun. He is the guy if you want to go to canteen at 3 in the night, or if you want to share your sorrows over whiskey and jagjit singh ghazals, or if you want to rag the freshers. I would still say, I understand hardly 40-50% of him. He continues to be a mystery. We had lots of fun in Inter IIT sports meets - abusing other IITs, eveteasing the girls of other IITs and what not. Is photo mein surprisingly kaafi innocent lag raha hai.lagta hai apne ghar mein papa ke bagal mein baith ke khinchwaayi hai. I cannot forget mentioning his organizational skills. He knows how to get people behind him, how to inspire the masses. I have seen him working like mad in inter-hostel events. Ladkiyaan thoda saawdhaan rahen toh behtar hoga. Waise suna hai ki ab thode sudher gaye hain janaab. Aajkal this dude is busy planning something big in life ... I hope you make it big, mate. And yes, the smell will always remain :)

Could not let this just get deleted... Thanks Dost...

A funny feeling

2008-02-21T07:12:00.000-08:00

Am home... on account of my mother having fractured her hand...

Now the funny part is coming home... When you leave home... your identity is packe din bags and cartons and shelved. When you come home, you find all things .. old and musty... in cartons... and if you open one... ahh the memories they come flooding back...

the old newspapers in which you got published, the table tennis rubbers you won tournaments with, the letters, the flowers, the hankerchiefs... the broken pens, the old reports, the fiery ideas, old business plans, the diaries and journals... the penknives, the plaster-of-paris items, the photographs..

Then there is this comp.. A vintage 1999, 733 Mhz Pentium III... converted to a cluster (married to an older computer..sister's.. 1997 Pentium II 350 Mhz).. dual boot, running linux and windows... Ahh this computer.. it made me alivbe... the hacks i did.. the pranks i did... the hours i spent on it.. laboring though linux codes... those beautiful emacs windows... and then life meant so much more...

And then there are those smells... trying to smell a 5 year old rumaal... all twisted and yellowed.. i can assure you its all musty... but the act of sniffing it and imagining what it smelt then... is a pleasure.. that can be a life time...

And then you see the clothes... the torn jeans... the yellowed t-shirts.. All my beautiful jeans... seven of them.. waiting for me to get back to 32"... they love me and so do i...

And then there is this feeling of sinking... letting go of time... and wondering if the time spent was well spent... All bogus and reassuring thoughts...

Anyhow... much said.. its great to be back home... Its great to know that life can be comfortable... and not unidimensional... Come the weekend and we will see the deluge of relatives... (50+) .. and am bracing up for that...

So love me god... and wish me luck...

Drifting

2008-02-15T05:47:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been in a car, all thoughtful... and then suddenly you find yourself veering away to the other lane... and someone honking madly ... aiming for your throat.

That is what happened to me in life generally.. I started slowly and then I flourished and slowly it began to make unsustainable demands on my time and I curtailed them one by one... thinking I was making a sane decision. And then One day i found I had left everything behind...

Now its no more me... its tiem to reinvent...

Chalo koi naa...

Aapne agar Jodhaa Akbar dekhii ho ... kaise dekhenge.. abhi release nahin huee...
Kal raat humne premiere dekhaa Jodhaa Akbar ka. One of my clients gave me couple of tickets to that movie. A four hour non-stop nothing movie. I mean, it had no issues. Things weren't really bad.

Don't you people reading this get mad at me for finding the movie good. The last movie I liked was "Jab We Met". I went in with zero expectations. Especially as I had seen one Kareena Kapoor Movie and that was Yaadein. So imagine me... loving the repeated formuls.

It is your typical teen-age fantasy - a handsome, intelligent, gentlemanly, wise, but serious guy from an influential background, gets charmed by the witty, talkative, careless, lively girl from a modest background and finds a new way to live his successful life. A sweet story is what it is called. Yeah - nothing ground-breaking about the story, but when done beautifully, it can not fail to charm you.

Wow.. what a story.. its more about putting it together...

So that the sum of parts is greater than the whole. Something reminds me that life is like this too....

Realization

2008-02-13T23:22:00.000-08:00

I have realized something ... today

I have been cribbing about life for the past year.. as is evident from my blog...
I have been cribbing a lot... blaming things here and there for not working out...

And I have realized that it is my stupidity... it is my fault that I have not kept myself totally immersed into what I have been doing... or maybe I am not doing what i want well enough or maybe I am not doing what I want...

Whatever it is .. the fault is within me and the solution too...
So a time to change perspective and a time to change for the better...

So Cheers to a new life and a better life and a better struggle... and Once I had said.. its the path of the struggle and style of the struggle ... that matters and not the end... and I have relearnt that.. and all I ask from God is that I want to have that style and vigour to keep on going... So cheers again...

And to those silent few who keep coming to my unknown blog... Thanks...

When Things Go Wrong

2008-02-13T22:56:00.002-08:00

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you are trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh.

When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but do not quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out.

Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.

And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far.
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

Author Unknown

Read it at ideasmithy

2008-02-08T23:59:00.000-08:00

A bad bad day

2008-02-08T23:36:00.000-08:00

Slept late that night... after having watched "before sunset" and felt like life was going no where... bad dreams and worse...

Woke up to my room mate.. frantic... Business Standard Screams "Derivatives Banned by RBI". I was like... let me sleep over this bad dream.. two years of an MBA spent over hope of derivatives. Fighting it out in the mind and placements as well. Refusing good offers for a good profile... and it ends up as being a non-happening field...

Came to office.. and no work... no clients calling in... and then Mom calls up.. saying Dad ka accident ho gayaa hai... kuchh karo... Dad apparently called up and told that he was in an accident and then the phone got disconnected. Sat there on the edge of my chair... for three hours waiting for any response from Dad... waiting with my credit card in hand and the web site open... A number of feelings... An introspection into what is important and what is not... A feeling of waste...
Finally Dad came home, not a scratch but car gone totally.. that is fine... Dad is the single most important person in my life... and I love him more than anything in this world...

Leaves Office... Mumbai feels like a war city. 1/10th the traffic, 1/10th the crowd. Mumbai anticipates a riot against north indians. Sitting in the local, I try to appraise the situation. All people in the local are speaking marathi, Crowds getting thinner and thinner and I was approaching the war zone. It was Dadar where people got beaten up for being North Indians... So much for indianness... I wait and take a call... Gets down and walk back with an eye to my back... Nothing there...

Reaches Home... Its colder in mumbai, On my 18th floor apartment, it is windy gusts are blowing across and my french windows chattering nervously... takes away the "sukoon" of a decent sleep...

And then the next day.... I rise again...

Ten thing about bombay locals

2008-01-21T03:20:00.000-08:00

If ever Govt of Maharashtra imposes a congestion tax, i am going to supremem court to ask them to pay the local travellers, a rebate in income tax, for bearing the ignominy of travelling in that tin.

The top ten things I like about Bombay Locals -

- Free Body Massage

- Free Foot Massage

- Crushed Shirts (In sync with fashion)

- One is forced keep themselves clean and smelling nice (One has to smell the odor of their Deodorants, while smelling their armpits, just to avoid other nice smelling people)

- Free Face Scrubbing from people's butt (in case you are lucky to be sitting)

- One has to keep fit while trying to get in and out (both are different techniques and take time to master)

- One learns never to board Virar local

- If one is gay, he is pretty comfy. One does not have to pretend no tto be touching, everything you have is touching spmething that someone has.

- There is complete lack of sexual moves (No women, so it keeps men to themselves and harmless)

- You get to know how dangerous women can get. (Ever try to see women thrusting their pelvises to get into the local and you would know, why they are deprived of "you know what".

Anyone who has a problem with congestion, Can I honor me, by allowing them to ride on Local with me and enjoy a mumbai morning. I had change planet for avoiding this phenomenon. It stinks and it smells. How the fuck could they allow fish to be carried on trains. I want some people to look at the cleanliness aspect of this. And the best part, you will always find yourself not the worst smelling guy in the crowd.

it makes you feel better, only if you were a Pig.

Oink Oink.

Last Year

2008-01-04T11:44:00.000-08:00

Yet another year is over, and so much has happened since then. It is strange when you look back, you seem to see so many things that would never make sense to you, so many things you disagree with, so many things that change the person that you are. Anyway, talking straight has never been my forte, and here I am on the last day of the year, still confused and trying to figure out a way in life, still wondering what to do in this long journey. For some inexplicable reason, blogging has suffered. It reminds me of how little I write these days. Yes, I would attribute it to a rather busy schedule. Somewhere down the line, lethargy crept in, the brain refused to think, the fingers refused to type, and here I lie in my room looking up at the ceiling and trying to collect the bunch of thoughts.

Well, what more, here I was thinking of what else to write when these bunch of thoughts popped up randomly. Call it one of those monologues I often have with me.

So how old will you be this year?

Too old.

Okay, so what is the most memorable thing that has happened this year?

Nothing really happened.

And the most horrible thing?

Life took a lot of hopes just dashed away. Lots of loved ones, cherished dreams... all gone

Fortuitous luck?

None... bad bad year

Confessions?

I tried real hard.

Resolutions?

Try harder this year.

Two lies and a truth (in any random order).

I want a comfortable life.
I am in love.
I want to be better.

One thing I would like to develop more

Instinct (paradoxical).

Prized possession of the year.

My Bennetton Perfume.

Prized vacation of the year.

Ganapati Phule.

Scandalous news.

I laid some really old woman.

And now?

Just keeping my head above water.

A battle lost

2008-01-02T05:49:00.000-08:00

I lost today
for another battle galores
For a moment I had forgotten
sum of all my fears

I lost today
to a ghost, long gone
I heard while it spoke
but it was all too foreign

I lost today
On the slopes of slippery hills
those intermittent salty rivers
brought me down all sad

But, I lost today
I know

Wisdom-Un-uh

2007-12-23T00:33:00.000-08:00

The only way to get some wisdom is to be taken apart, strangled and when you have submitted, long afterwards, would you be able to piece it together.. and then you would be proud of it… or unproud of it… but the act of surrender to the act, complete obeisance to the horror happening… and then accepting it… gives you wisdom…

It is in fact a hard earned thing… a thing that is sometimes worth dying for… loving for.. leaving for… but ultimately things have a way of coming round.. in their own way.. unsettling the apple cart that has been so steadily delivering for you all these years and then it overturns and there you die by your cleverness… sometimes it takes you too far and then its too late to return…

And then there is madness… it takes you where it pleases and it is a short route and you know it.. but submitting to madness is infact a wonderful… it takes away the pain.. till you die or repent.. which is the same thing… in almost all ways…

Does it work for you when you are supposed to be somebody’s, howsoever desirable.. a backup option.. there is nothing that is as bad as that…that is when you bend lower than you have ever been… and that you never emerge from the experience, howsoever damn smart, intelligent and savvy..you might sound.. that is infact a total surrender… that is letting yourself down in entirety..

I had never forgive myself.. but then I had never think of me in any other sense, except a renegade…a man who chose to become a slave than fight… fight it even if it takes a heavier toll than that can be imagined…

A man can chose to have everything by letting go of everything and having nothing.. but when he desires something so much that he lets it be the centerpiece of their life.. it is then that he surrenders to the charm, the sting, the life giving poison, the latent heat, the unforgiven sin, the cardinal error… a pain that lasts through your veins, long after they have stopped sucking your blood, your emotions, your passions, your drive, your energy.. that is how people make a mistake, by accepting a mistake.. mistake not, the failure to accept a mistake, and living it… that is what takes away the element that makes men immortal, for they are meant to live for meaningful pursuits… I sound like a madman.. but when you have been through it.. it means a whole mot more, than what I keep saying.. a wisdom is gathered, madness seizes you… a different cause-effect mechanism.. a madness is better than wisdom, for it allows you to die once…

Some truths are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. Some things are just so sad that only your soul can cry for you… (last two lines from Shantaram)

“I asked him about his enemies. He began to count them. The list went on and on….”

2007-10-12T22:31:00.000-07:00

Of all things, bright and sad, profound and shallow, clear and muddled, it is our negative experiences that drive our lives, our decision making. We try harder, to avoid such confrontations, such affairs. On a bright, sad afternoon, lying in an airy unoccupied room, I lay on clean white sheets, sighing from pain and fever, full of delusions, dreams gone wrong, friends lost and forgotten. I wanted to write. After a long time, I write. I want to write of profound beautiful things, but they escape me. So I woke up and sat myself straight.

In my mind was a friend, an unspeakably good soul, as troubled as was beautiful. I saw her standing next to any of the decrepit, rundown lanes of Bombay, speaking to a man, I had never seen before. I could tell from their faces and the way they shuffled their feet, that their lives were full of woe. And I am not guessing, I know. Life is an endless string of miseries, if one came to an end of one, there would be another waiting around the corner, and of bearing them became any easier, the next one would strike even harder, leaving us bare and creasing our faces, so that we all look alike.

The beauty of it all is that once we have seen some and even if misfortune came swiftly, first tip-toeing and then like a deluge, we make ourselves believe we knew it all along, hiding away from us, lying in wait for us, so we feel ready for it always. When the clouds of next new trouble descend on us, we feel alone, hopelessly alone and we still feel hopeful of finding happiness, if and only if we could find someone to share our miseries with.

For a moment, I believed that her misery was same as mine and if it weren’t the misery, it surely was the same world we inhabit. A world, which promises so little and consumes your soul, in a manner so humble that you feel like a hero. Later I could imagine her, waking up all beautiful, curls around her eyes, dancing a few steps on her own tune, cuddling a baby and talking to her softly as she drifted to sleep.

I felt close to her as if I was there with her in that room. It was not her beauty, nor her grace that made me want to embrace her, but the deep belief that they shared the same world and that by embracing her, I could make her believe the same. Soon I dreamt other things and when they happened, I realized that my understanding of the woman was coming to an end. Then I got up and saw that the rain that poured was thick and black, like the gutters of Bombay.

It was only later, wafting in and out of sleep, I realized that world is a test of faith and love and understanding. And that one must pay as much attention to books that go unnoticed and those that endure and pay as much attention to those who understand and those who don’t.

Till life ends

2007-09-13T07:24:00.000-07:00

We are being funny in life..

From Derivatives desk to last night good bye...
Inside of me... yes...
Its a nightmare... a live tucked away in the world...
It won't be sarcasm... it will be irony...
Inside of me, sensually dying away... are a few wisps of those dreamy clouds... which still remind me of those silver linings... which I gave up for those dreams which vaporized...

kuchh keh paane ki zaroorat to nahin hai...
bas kuchh labzon se izhaar kar rahein hai...
ki tumse pyaar hai mujhe..
aur kuchh nahin bas pyaar

Its a wonderful life...

2007-08-06T13:07:00.000-07:00

I feel the need to see this movie again when i know for sure that I am going to lead an absolutely normal life and that I have to reconcile to this fact for the worse or for better... My need for this requires a lot of time...

So neither am I sick... nor am I tired... I am just discouraged... i am just losing my dreams... probably all I need is a sign from up there in the heavens... Sometimes it pays to be dead normal and sometime sit pays to be totally dumb about the super natural...

There are millions of people who have lost faith and are worse off than me .. but i feel incredibly stupid and it makes me see feel totally rotten... Can someone get me to see the right things in life and give me some more morale.. i am not asking you to shorten or lessen my work.. I am asking for some faith and some liveliness and some taste and some morlae boosting... thats all.. be nice and gentle..

Crying for the male in me

2007-07-16T12:43:00.000-07:00

I am dying and I am accepting it...

Help me God... Help me lead myself out of this darkness..
if you have given me the ideas, give me strength to complete one...
Just help me do it... conspire in my favor... please please please

No Comments

2007-06-29T23:48:00.001-07:00

Each of us inevitable; Each of us limitless - each of us with his or her right upon the earth; Each of us allowed the eternal purports of the earth; Each of us here as divinely as any is here.
Each of us defined by the others, chained to the expectations – forever; Each of us encumbered; Each of us blue in a green world, waiting for the time to set us free, lacking the courage to do it ourselves. And so I ask, where is the divinity?

Erring and then suffering in silence do not a saint make...

What About?

2007-06-29T23:19:00.000-07:00

But what about the child inside me?

What about the part of me that needs reassurance now and then?

What about the little pang of jealousy I can feel sometimes?

What about the need for a warm hug and a kiss from my loved ones once in a while?

What about the anxiety that strikes when something important is on the line?

What about the little bit of stagefright that I feel when I have an important presentation to make?

What about how I act when I'm with "you"? Someone I am comfortable being with no matter how I feel everyday.

What about bouts of paranoia that grips me everyday that my life is going no where?

What about people making progress and me dying in hell, for i am a nincompoop.

What about people less brilliant, less dedicated making better than me ... simply because I am one dimensional...

What about loss of sense of self worth... dignity and urge to create value?

Am tired of Paranoia

2007-06-29T23:15:00.000-07:00

I instil paranoia in people... one way or the another...

I want it not to happen...

So be there when I need you...

meanwhile mumbai rains and sucks my life

Customised Cigarettes

2007-06-29T23:01:00.000-07:00

Imagine a small old wood panelled shop with dark hues... smelling of coffee and tobacco.. A place where one could go and select from hundreds of tobaccoes... gte hand made cigarettes on order.. something like "Baskins Robbins" of ice cream world...

India ought to be moving up the value chain in this business...

My contribution to understanding indian consumer

A nice movie

2007-06-29T22:51:00.000-07:00

Melanie: I only wanted to warn you that Sammy can get into trouble faster than you can make most women smile.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack Taylor: Maggie, when you grow up and are incredibly beautiful and intelligent and possess a certain sweetness that's... that's like a distant promise to the brave, to the worthy, could you please not beat to a pulp every miserable bastard that comes your way simply because you can? Could you not do that?
Maggie Taylor: Okay Daddy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack: What would you do if I kissed you right now?
Melanie: You wouldn't kiss me.
Jack: But what would you do if i did?
Melanie: Do you wanna kiss me right now?
Jack: I wouldn't've mentioned it if didn't.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Phone rings]
Jack: What?
Melanie: I forgot to tell you that Sammy is allergic to shellfish and dander. And also, he's not allowed to watch commercial TV. And no matter what he says, he has to hold your hand when he crosses the street. Oh, and also, if you go to the playground, I'd like you to check the sandbox first, because you never know what people throw in there. And, also... OK. Bye.
Jack: Fine.
Melanie: Fine.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack Taylor: You aren't going to fire me. My face is on buses.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Melanie Parker: Let's do this right. Let me freshen up so I'll feel a little more like a woman and less like a dead mommy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Melanie Parker: You're the most important thing in the world.
Sammy Parker: No, I'm not. Your job is.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maggie Taylor: I'm hungry.
Jack Taylor: Want a Tic Tac?
Maggie Taylor: No.
Jack Taylor: That's all I've got.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack: You know what my mother used to say to me?
Melanie: Gee, no, what?
Jack: Love your guy like a little boy and he'll grow into a man.
Melanie: So she knew back then that you were gay?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Melanie: Your Peter Pan complex is so 90s.
Jack: What Peter Pan complex?
Melanie: The one you're so proud of.
Jack: Do you have any friends?
Melanie: I don't have time for friends.
Jack: That's because of your Captain Hook complex.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack Taylor: You're asking me for help.
Melanie Parker: It would appear that way, wouldn't it?
Jack Taylor: I'll agree if you'll say, "Jack, please be my knight in shining armor."
Melanie Parker: Jack, don't be a shit-head. Go rescue our kids.
Jack Taylor: This is hard for you, isn't it?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack Taylor: Kick the mean boys in the shins.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Celia: You are sensitive and frightened. I am gentle and brutal. Just think about it!

Last night in a daze...

2007-06-22T23:08:00.000-07:00

I was not so much in a mood to talk than I was to hold and lie still...mebbe listening to deep breathing and other nocturnal sounds... it has infact dawned upon me recently that life has a certain pace and it is upto us how we utilize that, whether we can run faster or wait for it to suit us...

The state of denial.
Denial is an involuntary rection to shock. This is a good time to stop and figure things out -- to get emotionally and intellectually ready to continue the journey. Unfortunately, most people never leave denial. If you seem to be doing well with the way things are, what's the problem? Living in denial robs us of peace of mind. Our conscience knows the nagging truth, and the anger keeps leaking in. When we stop denying reality, we are forced into the next phase -- anger. It looks ugly and unprofitable.

The state of hope with anger.
Hope with anger is a powerful, driving force which can keep us working hard for years. Unfortunately, it is also hard on our personalities. People have sacrificed their Selves in the battle to preserve Earth's ecosystems, often becoming cynical and giving up hope. Then they move to the hopeless anger phase.

The state of hopeless anger.
This is the home to the cynical and the misanthropic. The good aspect of this phase is that it allows many to consider human extinction for the first time. The bad aspect is that this option is usually considered without love. Famines and epidemics don't seem so bad from this perspective. Anger is actually left over from denial. It means we haven't fully accepted the situation yet. When we do, anger dies.

The state of hopeless acceptance.
More depressing than hopeless anger is acceptance without hope. Without anger to keep us going, unrealistic hopelessness can be a short-cut back to denial or even to suicide. People in this phase might not be so hard to take if they would just shut up about it. If they were angry, at least there would be some excitement to their dirges. Though often necessary, this phase should be as short as possible. It's hard to break loose from a lengthy depression. Perhaps just realizing that there is hope... allowing ourselves to see the signs of hope, which are all around us, will break the spell and allow us to move on to the hopeful acceptance phase.

The state of hopeful acceptance.
Yes, there is still hope, and it will raise us out of the depths of depression. We can easily go too far, however. If our acceptance elevates into the clouds of mindless hopefulness, we will have lost some of our hard-learned awareness. Unrealistic hopefulness is socially graceful and more pleasant than some of the previous phases, but it too can be a short-cut back to denial. We must take the final progressive step.

Vehemence.
in life we move forward in a dynamic balance of optimism and pessimism, aware that our reality is both hopeful and hopeless. Once we accept that humans are hopeless as a species, there is renewed hope for the survival of the planet as a life form. With a balanced awareness, our efforts to improve life for ourselves will meet with more success, no matter what those efforts may be.

Random Crap

2007-06-03T11:49:00.000-07:00

# I had the best self made salad on Saturday night. It was composed of green and yellow beans, cucumber, tomato, a bit of olive oil, onion and vinaigrette. I was not ready to be so thrilled with this salad. Tonight, I will replicate it.
# Someone's 2nd anniversary living with us was this weekend. To celebrate we had some chips and beer.
# A friend has a foot injury... a hurried trip to hospital at night ... Poor pup.
# I have been wondering about getting into shape... an hours brisk walk in the morning... on the chowpatty and mebbe i will get home alive
# The French Open has begun!
# Vanity and recluse... meeting old flames... life's new passion.. temporary life... and wills
# Taking my laundry to the center a couple blocks away makes me really unhappy... My room mate washes better.

Sunte hain

2007-06-03T11:17:00.000-07:00

Over the past few days... a number of movies, a number of parties, old friends... seasick memories... happy sea memories... a sense of being free, a sense of being jailed...

I wish for life to resolve the temptations... and resolve the issues.. or atleast give me the resolve to wake up ad solve them... myself...

I love myself... I proclaim...

Forex trading here I come

Resigning to life ??

2007-05-19T12:49:00.000-07:00

I wonder...

if my mediocrity defines me...
if i need labels...
if what i earn defines me...
if i take a chance and fail, i had be a loser...
if i don't like something, i usually have this guilt...
if i can't be someone, why should i be held guilty of not trying...
if i give hopes, i have to keep them...
if I lie, I would be condemned...
if what people think, makes me me...
if i don't feelt he drive, i should pull myself up...
if i am afraid, i had be too proud to say it...
if i feel like saying out loud that i am tired, i had be a ninny...
if i don't make it big in life and die like the other millions, it had be a life well spent and not saved...
if my work is not seen, i should make it heard...
if i don't feel like it, i should let people know...
if i dread seeing someone and disappointing them, i should just hope for the best...
if lost hopes should be cried for...
if...

I am just panicking now... everything else is fine...

tinked and toinked

2007-05-16T05:20:00.000-07:00

I think I need to keep working harder... so that it gets me someplace where i had intended to be.

So i have to work harder and smarter

Work work work

Friends...

2007-05-14T12:55:00.000-07:00

I lost a friend... to death..
I remember him and I will for a long time to come...
but I wonder... who will after i have and all other who knew him will be gone...
why does that happen.. he did not even get his chance..

So I better take it when i have the time to...
Isn't that an intelligent decsion...

remember "Finding Forrester"...

Run

Too much too soon

2007-05-06T13:43:00.000-07:00

Marriages, Engagements, Babies... No particular order but they seem to be cluttering my schedules here. I see brothers and sisters, even some nieces and nephews, some uncles and aunts involved in these activities. Everyone has a tale to tell. They ask me and I have none, just blanks and painful silences dot our conversation.

I was not so long back. Maybe the biggest chatterbox when I could afford it. Now there is this distance. I pray for a cousin of mine to get well. She had an accident and fighting for her life and when I saw her, I just could not recognize her, all bandaged and bruised, half paralysed for life. I pray and I wonder what should I pray for, her life or her .....

I leave it to you God, to do the best, you can...

Too late .. too tired

2007-04-19T11:40:00.000-07:00

Chapter 1
It’s usually a double life, a whacked up life, struggling to piece together times from different periods in my life. Separating friends and family, juggling responsibilities and stolen moments, savoring those small indiscretions, always a smile, no invectives and indecencies. That’s how it is at home.
I stopped at about four. There has been too much stuff piling on my desk these days and it occupies not so much of my desk as it occupies my mind. I usually stop when I am tired and that is how it has always been. However I always feel pretty guilty stopping working and can’t sleep for another hour till it just happens to me. Getting into the balcony without making too much noise, I can make out the skyline and those intermittent sparkling of lights playing in the air as if spotting something out in the still dark night.
I thought about the visual search engine and wondered of how I used to think of Google as the nice guys on the block. I used to find their meteoric rise comforting but now I think differently. It is always the corporation that is intimidating the mavericks and in this case, a bunch of mavericks keeping out other mavericks. Google now seems like expert and the professional which wants domination. Earlier it was indiscriminately new stuff but now it’s confident, strategic moves to counter the rest. After all, it has got a bunch of shareholders to take care of. But it has been disappointing. It had be the Microsoft story over and over again. But it always makes me comfortable to know that no one can stop an idea whose time has come.
I was damned tired and suddenly did not want to go to bed. I got myself a bottle of cold water and poured it down my throat, feeling really hungry at once. So then I raided the biscuits and then I lay down and felt the paunch that seems to be there forever. Then I felt my shaved head and felt comfort that I had have a decent crop in some time.
I woke up and it was hot. It was close to noon and I got up and cooked myself a decent breakfast. Mom would be in her puja room, doing that incredible number of shlokas again and again. Eggs, milk, bread and lots of sauce always perks me up. I looked at the number of calls that had arrived while i was taking my beauty sleep...
Its over now..

Movies....

2007-02-18T05:28:00.001-08:00

Shrek….. seen it….rich heroine… ugly hero…. Topsy turvy story…. Yet a hit…point being… almost everyone we know doesn’t like the way they look..to varying degreees…probably see themselves as shrek… everyone fancies themselves as the underdog…the one who gets bitched about behind their backs… everyone is alone… yet together ..becasue we all think exactly the same…..

as far as looks go that some people tend to think of it a lot more often than most…and a lot more often than we probably need to…. I am ugly… I cant figure how….(cause I kinda like my face when I look at it in the mirror …. Occasionally… I hate it at times…true….but I like it at times….it aint that bad ) … now the point isn’t that im not good looking..the point is that…I “think” im not good looking …and I let it keep me from doing so much that I shud…..

I am simply not strong enough to reconcile with it and move on….while my dad…. (from whom I take my looks) is pretty cool abt it…now if he is pretending..he does a very good job of it..take it from me…. My mom…fairly well to do family…and
u shudve seen her college time snaps… did well in college too…smart..see) …dad….not much of a looker…not rich…. He managed….. he writes beautifully when he wants to… different people want different things…. Just abt finding the person who wants what u have to sell…. Might take a while..but ull get there…we’ll all get there….

What I want to say is that…if one isn’t strong enuf to accept his looks …. Try to change them… … as for u…u look nice..not studly… sure… but …a little work..and ud look smooth ….trust me… (want me to look out for mens parlours who cud fix u up..?) ..i mean… sushmita sen…got a boob job done cause hse wasn’t happy abt her cleavage, didn’t she? (not completely a non sequitur)

Money…and looks….and love…. Far too complicated a theory….dont mix them up … keep it simple… I don’t like my looks…I change it…I want to do something bigger…buy something better…live more comfortably… ill try to earn better…..as for love…. We’ll wait..and just let it happen…don’t force it…. It wont be ideal when it happens… and u will compromise…simply because there is no ideal person there…. No perfect lady… no perfect guy…. But there will be someone…u will be perfectly happy with… and that is the dream….

There is no key that'll unlock the doors for you..when the time comes..they'll open all by themselves….we are just meant to be killing time till then…. Choose whichever way u like ….

P.s:Maybe it isn’t an example of penmanship..maybe it is incoherent and verbose at times,….and trust me..i can do a better job of it… but I just had to mail u rt now…so there…

Neelakash Murty....

HE IS A NEUROTIC

Anger and Hopelessness

2007-02-10T10:42:00.000-08:00

I was wondering about how to take rejection in life. I have this problem with inability to accept rejection. Recently I have been kicked in a couple of interviews and this makes me pretty mad at myself. I have been angry and because I had been hopeful, I was rolling in my own misery. Sleeping for 15 to 24 hours has been making me feel dreadful about myself. I think a depression is imminent and All i need is a good achievement, to get out of the rot. It was not that bad until it turned into mania... I just need a good thing to happen to me...

Anger and something thereabouts...

2007-02-02T09:23:00.000-08:00

In life... sometimes people need to look at what happened and why?
But sometimes people should just let the fuck that happened happen. Let go.
The anger is sometimes tremendously exciting.
That animalistic feeling is very enervating, very tragic actually.
Somehow I feel, life cannot give me what I want. Life is not good enough, honest enough, loving enough to give me what I want. So what do I do?
All that I can do is snatch it, take it away from life.

How does one know what one wants and how much he wants it?
Its about the things one is willing to give up and as a result forego in life to have it his way.

This life will not end in a manner that had look like a failure to me.
This life will see me willing to end it in a manner I see befitting.
This life will see... just what and where I take it.

An Unholy Messup

2007-01-28T12:35:00.001-08:00

The last time I had slept twenty hours on the trot was when I messed up.Now I think after rejecting Standard Chartered, Price Waterhouse Coopers and Dr Reddy's, I have messed up again. But anyhow it won't matter after life has ended. This mistake won't endure after I am gone.I had wanted to write for a long time, long long time but it makes no love to me anymore. Infact it looks back at me and laughs at me. Laughs at me for the sole reason that I am not fidel to it.Long times, lost times, madness, coolness have left me and All I do is pretend. All my business ideas lie rotten, hating me in the silence, mouthing unheard obscenties for the lack of courage that I have shown, even after they have revealed themselves to me.I want to have the courage to make it upto them. I love you... my ideas.. you are ones which distinguish me from the masses. You are my children, you are my hope.Don't desert me ever.

To you, with love, from her

2006-12-30T16:17:00.000-08:00

Forgive them for what they are
For what they did, and what they din
For they are but the prisoners of their minds
Chained in their own realms of shortsightedness
Their shackles defined by selfishness and I
Leashed by the vicious web they spew and spurn
Like a deadly spider that kills its goodness with venom
Like the scorpion that bites and stings its own tail
But thou art not the scorpion, the spider, the snake
Thou art the bird that perches high
On the wings of forgiveness and rectitude
Let their sting not poison thee
Or shackles of malice chain thy hope
For thou must do what thou must
Open thy arms, embrace the evil
Like sunlight that would cut the cloud
And embrace all that's dark and dull
The sun that fears not the blisters
But shines bright with all its strength
The rain that cares not where it falls
Or how it soothes the thankless soul
The lotus that remains unblemished with time
And carries not the scars with it
What binds the patriot and the rebel
Is their fight for the perceived right
Fight for all you perceive right
And then sans preamble just let go
For there are no rights or wrongs
No victors or vanquished
In hurting people who we love
Don't we know we hurt us back?
So smile deep and embrace the wrong
For it needs someone to make it right
And who could do that better than you?
The one who hurt you just lost his right
To do good but you still have yours
Do good to the one who hurt you
Forgive them for what they did
Strangle them with all your love
And let them die out of shame.

A new year... and issues

2006-12-30T15:44:00.000-08:00

Life brings us presents... Pleasant and Unpleasant.
I had be the last person to say that life has been good to me, it has been a great journey.
But rightnow, I see people in pain, people for whom i had give my life and people who mean to me more than anyone ever. But I can't do nothing. Sometimes you have to watch them bleed and all you can do is say something which means nothing and helps them no way. The sadness makes me a bit down, but I will deal with it in the sam manner as I do with life's miseries... with laughter.
It is going to be a significant year for me. It is going to be a good year for me. I found a lot of things to depend on. A beautiful Relationship, though not yet complete and not tested. But still, hope beckons timidly.
In life, one gets to face the betrayals and tragedies with a brave grin sometimes. Nana passed away. I love you and remember you with great affection. I still see you sometimes in my dreams. Nani, Get well soon.
Hope, Hope, Hope.

Toinked

2006-12-27T05:17:00.000-08:00

A Season of Inadequacies

2006-12-18T09:34:00.001-08:00

A lot of sleep and some crazy mathematics.A lot of orange juice and too little food.
Seems like yesterday when I defined the "Golden Rules" which I hadnever break, come what may. It seemed like crystallizing lessonslearnt from life. It seemed like I had all of it formulated. It seemedlike I had stand alone while others whithered. It seemed likehappiness to know where and what one stood for and what was worthfalling for.
Too many falls later, here I stand acknowledging a grudge againstlife. Very few things mattered and they all mattered like hell. Someother things mattered as well. But eventually they all let go of me,or rather I let go of them. Seems like meandering the course of life.But this time the rant is much more deserved.
I was talking to someone yesterday and they came to ask me, why did ittake me to say all the "norm" things. I wondered aloud, "norm". Sayswhom? Relationships are about getting the other person to respond in away you want them to, responding to the other person in a way theywant you to, isn't it? And they said, "Yes". I was terrified. whateverhappened to all those things that happen instantaneously, for one doesnot have to respond, for ones that happen because you are that way,things unknown unsaid. The chemistry as I gather better be aboutthings unsaid, emotions uncalled for, gestures happening on their own.
Been an ardent fan of chemistry. From polylactic acids to lignins, Ihave been there, but this is far more subtle. It might have escapedme. I seen people ooh-aahing in person, on phones, in books, inblogs... but they think thinking about it the same time, talking ofthe same issues is chemistry. Chemistry calls for unconditionalacceptance of the fact that the other person loves youunconditionally. It also deems a necessity of the fact that yourexistence is bound to someone else so securely that you need not lookback to see it bound and fastened, once so very often. It is aboutthat famous "leap of faith" idea that i keep harping about. It mightbe about experimentation but it has to have that spark which isinextinguishable.
There are relationships in which you do not have to think "what if" or"if he/she thinks this"... You just know whatever you are doing is ok.That relationship is the one you are looking for. Mebbe we are askingtoo much from this pitiful existence, but isn't this the big aim oflife. Isn't life supposed to provide us challenges that drive the fearour of our skins and hearts.
They asked me lately if I have written anything humorous. I want towrite funny but it is a tough ask. My current disposition does nothelp to think in pleasant funny terms. If one were to ask me who Iconsider the greatest writer, I would say, without any doubt,Wodehouse. If someone can write the way Wodehouse wrote, he ought tobe Nobel'ed. Nothing less would suffice. He makes me laugh till I acheinside. what is a greater proof. A saturnine personality like melaughing, It is a great achievement, the greatest appreciation. It iseasy to be pensive and dark. But silliness, funniness is difficult.
And then they sometimes ask me about myself. So as I say "Shoonya" isa paranoid succumbing to a rage that may or may not be murderous. Hethinks it takes forever to make his point. He loves every minute ofhis sardonic portrayal of life on life's fringes. And you can see him,as a modern archetype—a talented, disappointed man surrendering to ananger he cannot govern, an existential blackness he cannot understand.
On a happy note. No more poems.
Just one request. Go to smashits.com, search for "hamari" and listento "hamari atariya pe". If anyone has the same song by Begum Akhtar,send me the same. I had be thankful beyond belief. And if possible,try "sunte hain" by Jagjit Singh on the same site.
Till next time... if alive... we listen to the souless voices lappingthe shores of dying echoes.

Anshu Singh and his last words

2006-12-07T21:06:00.001-08:00

Aur haan bhosad sale ...madarchod sale...haan tujhe hi keh raha hoon...tum sale kaam kis liye karte ho gaandu....naam kamane keliye...agar haan to phir bahut hi dukh ki baat hai...hum log ek saathkaam karte the galaxy mein...aur ek saath gaand todvate the.....jahan tak main tujhe jaanta that tu aisa nahin hai...abka pata nahinmujhe...aur Madhur ne kitna kaam kiya hai who hi jaanta hai.....saale aur baat batao.......har aadmi ke liye kaam bane hote hain ...madhur didhis job where he had t...just that he did not had his fingers cut andwhatsoever doesn't mean he is an person whom you should not treat as ahuman being...Seekh jao sale doosron ko bhi ek insaan ki tarah treat karne ka....nahin to khud bhi dukhi rahoge aur doosron ko bhi dukhi rakhoge

A season of faith and its burdens

2006-12-02T21:28:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time, since I feel you have been out in the open with not a thing on your mind. Does not it feel like ages? It has been quite some time when you have woken up and feeling your hair all moist and smelling sickly sweet from a night of almost no dreams. It seems like yesterday and it isn't. It has been ages.

That is what you were, and this is what you are now. Take a moment off and hazard a guess. Why? Don't ever do that. Introspect if need be, never because it had be fun. Infact it can kill you... sometimes I mean. When life takes away things, or so we like to call it.. It gives us a void, that we unnecessarily try to fill. Something that might be totally inadequate, like square pegs in circular holes. That has happened over time, but do not despair, for it happens to all.

Another aspect of you is regret. Regret what could have been, not how?The how part is cumbersome to deal with. Not troublesome but cumbersome. Bearing the burden of regret, you have walked, dawdled awkwardly, sometimes fallen and bled.. but you have walked afar into the unseemingly fog laden life. Right now when it should have been the happiest time of your life, all you have are worries. Why worry? Don't ask. Just let go. Leap of faith. Let go of that one very basic tenet that holds you and in some places binds you. Just let go. Letting go is the tough part. Getting into things is a journey, exciting, intriguing, togetherness, getting out of it is lonely and tiresome. Sometimes we wish it had end, before it really ends.

The burden of luck. We try it sometimes, not enough, sometimes more than that. Sometimes it makes sense to bother luck a bit, because if a little pretension and prework can make it through, help luck help you on your way. I ask why do we need it, I honestly do not know. Just because I can't explain the extra thing that comes out or does not, I have to blame or credit something on it.

Relationships. I think we make a lot out of relationships. There are people who believe in first time chemistry, the sparks and the blast.I don't. It is a maturing process. Women think they need to see the twinkle in the eye, they are wrong. Women think it's about fidelity, yes, but not for so much as being a slave. Can one control the mind? Thinking is also infidelity and infidelity lets us go. It frees us and sometimes it binds us, by guilt, by honor, by love, by honesty.

Rules. I have seen them living by rules and dying by them. Principles they called it, I did too, till I realized from a fundamental perspective that they mean nothing other than the way we will to live or die. We have death wishes too. I remember this Frost poem, and being asked, about his death wish and getting away with saying, I dunno about his, but I can tell you about mine. Several lifetimes in one, I had say. Boundless and Unlimited. Rules limit us, principles bind us, but they give us stability and they give us something more...predictability.

Reciprocation. Thats an altogether different cup of tea. One never gets what they really deserve. That is one fact which will be accepted by all. But have we ever asked, what we deserve. It is infact, the reciprocation that makes us, bound not in chains but emotions. You reciprocate and you have a friend, you reciprocate and you have a lover, you reciprocate and you live lifetimes in a moment. It will take lifetimes to explain what I am trying to say.

The easier way is to live it with no fears, with one less rule till you acclimatise and then one lesser.

If it were not for people like me,
poets would sleep hungry and poems unsung.

What if?

2006-11-30T17:23:00.000-08:00

There has always been a time when we think of "what if".
There should always be moments in life about which we have to know and think, seldom, in retrospect, about what if?
Thats ok, as long as it does not take control of our lives. Thats ok as long as life does not circle aimlessly around forever till eternity. There can be many what ifs, but still if it comes to me, there will be one which reminds me of the stupidity in ego-bred individuals like me.

I was sitting across this very charming lady and I ask her places to go in a particular city. She tells me about the pubs and discotheques and such and such. And I lie there thinking of those. And then I go to them, with friends, alone, in groups... and then she years later, calls up and says why did you not go out with me?

And was I shocked? I was rocked. Since then, it has been a what if moment.

A true classic what if moment.

Comfort Zone

2006-11-28T16:51:00.000-08:00

I.....

I am moving out of my comfort zone.

I have decided not to be an academic focussed person. Now lets get down to the murkier parts of life. Life where things are not just self-decided. They do not depend on how hard you work, how much effort you put in, how much of those grey cells you have and are willing to kill. It just does not matter what you have, what matters is how much can you show, how much can you forego, how much can you forgive and how much well can you pretend.

Life is worth living. I have been duped and dumped. A silly dame tells me that I ain't good enough for her, when I did never ask her for anthing. I have been made to feel bad. I have been made to beg for forgiveness, when I did nothing wrong. I have been made to do a lot of things that ain't in my comfort zone. I was not in my comfort zone.

Now I am changing the gears. Lets assume, there is something to lose. Lets assume.

Those who know me, know that I ain't afraid of losing things in life. That is what makes me, me. It's not about money, fame, ego, guilt, longing, desire, dreams. Its just not it. I have been trying to be a nice person, to other people. For nearly two years, I have been trying to be nice, normal kind of guy. I have been called names, called things, charged with things I never did, changed with things I ain't capable of, and I shrugged them off with a smile and a sigh.

Now we go back. We go back to times of, when I existed, like this land was my land, my territory , my domain. When I ranged this land like a predator, other were afraid of. I could still be a nice guy, but I don't want to be one. I just have decided not to pretend and be a nice guy. People were born to fear me, and lets make them fear me, once again.

They say I am a wimp, that I go all sweaty in my palms, when a woman comes and talks to me. Now I got two things on my mind then. Should I be a nice guy or Should I be myself? Now the nice guy thing does not work for me. I will try being myself and instill the fear of thy god in me. So what if they continue to fear me. So what if they feel the dread in coming to me. So what? At least I will live and die on my own terms.

Like the mail I wrote to this angel, "when I see you, i can feel the spirit of a lioness roaming in the serengeti, viewing her territory and wondering where to relax."
This is what I feel tonight. This is me back.

I am moving into my comfort zone.

Imperfect....

2006-11-24T20:53:00.000-08:00

I had be the first person to accept that I am imperfect...
I had tell you my faults...
I had be the one to try not to be imperfect...

But in life, I have failed miserably to trod the path I have set for myself.
I can cry and wail, but I won't do that.
Between Rationality and Idealism, I am stuck and I make choices that I regret.

My relationships have been a disaster. Never I have been good at making the other people happy.
Never have I been able to make them mine, in a way that I would have wanted to.
Mebbe something lacks in me. Something really does.

But I exist and there I am alive.

Help me God make the right choices. I beg of you.
I beg tonight.

Its still hazy...

2006-11-24T17:14:00.000-08:00

In times of strife...
I have been working harder.. thinking harder.. taking a lot of criticism in my stride...
it has been a trying time... it has been a tough time...
people have been insensitive, upright obscene... but I have been keeping cool...
and in Europe, it has been tougher with no one to talk to...
Keeping it in place... keeping it slow and cool.. lazing around...
The motto can be... "Just keep it going, while I am alive.."

Love me, I want to live on...

Some lines while I am here....

Still ALIVE...

Sobering thoughts

2006-11-17T18:27:00.000-08:00

Being a dick isn't easy...

One has to swallow a lot of pride and emotions to be one...
In fact playing any role of a human is kinda difficult, if one wants to be perfect. Messing things up the right way, like one can't unscramble scrambled eggs.. is the way to go... then one has to stand there and watch it all happen and keep saying sorry. That's the beauty of the entire thing.

Being a dick... it has a beauty. You stand there and make yourself so very visible... just like one is inside the jeans... that one has to just open up their mouth and squirt...

Being a dick... ahh and ohhs of life make perfect sense, if one starts to imagine being a dick. Dickiness is infact a way of life. It can be a religion. Mebbe I can start it. Mebbe I had be the one, perfect for it.

Dickiness... leads to a better life, a perfect harmony between nature and oneself.

So here is one to being a dick... aloha

Sense and Sensibility

2006-11-15T01:18:00.000-08:00

There’s always going to be somebody who is making money faster, running the mile faster or what have you. So in a human sense, once you get something that works fine in your life, the idea of caring terribly that somebody else is making money faster strikes me as insane

Waking up..

2006-10-19T16:39:00.000-07:00

Something in me cries for freedom. It rejects everything that reeks of stagnation. It crawls out of relationships, friendships, nearly everything. Makes me forget pain, anger, suffering and my past and spurs me to just keep on taking one step after another. I love this half of mine. I adore it for all the places it has taken me to and all the sights it has shown me. It is what makes me intense, passionate, insightful, philosophical and cultured.

On the other hand, there is this other side of me that loves stability. Loves to be loved and is vulnerable to sentiments too. Whereever it finds a warm enclave, it runs to it, makes some space for itself, and give it a moment and it'll be nicely ensconsed in the surrounding warmth grinning from ear to ear. It succumbs. This part of me is responsible for my immense social circle. It is what makes me gregarious. It is what you talk to when you converse with me and enjoy it. All my wisecracks are his and all the witty responses I pour forth drop out of his collection of sharp retorts.

The worst part is that I do not want either of them to win and I want none of them to lose. It's almost like the famous paradox about a snake eating it's own tail. I don't want half of either and I can't have whole of both.

Just when life begins to seem like a dream come true, you wake up.

24 never again

2006-10-05T12:19:00.000-07:00

As I sit here in the night, thinking of all that has passed before me, I think of all the missed chances and the mistakes I had made. I took a long walk tonight thinking of all the lovely moments and I could think of the great romances and wonderful deeds I often thought of committing to, but alas they all escaped me. Naah, nostalgia is a disease and it afflicts me tonight.

I think of my parents and sis with the greatest affection I am capable of and the wonderful upbringing I have gotten, with the right values, the right attitude, the right sense and sensibilities. They have taught me to follow the right path and I have erred and the thing that makes me happy is that I know that I have erred. That’s important, I believe.

I also think of wonderful friends I have been endowed with. True to core and utterly reliable, they have made me a better person than I really am. For the past nine or so years, they have borne me with patience and took my best and worst sides in their strides.

The professors and the institutions for making me feel important and desirable. They mean a lot to me and their actions and inactions have made me a more than capable person. The exams and the hiatus that prevails them has made me a more sincere student than ever before.

As I sit here, I also think of the wonderful persons that have touched my heart in more ways than one can imagine. I have thought of them with fond remembrance and deep affection, I often think of myself incapable of. Sometimes I even deeply mourn their loss and then I sulk and am in my deepest darkest of the moods. In times to come, I had forget a few and miss some more, but you will be there till the times to come.

And while I think, I think of myself as never being twenty four again and I decide to be twenty four. So I made myself some stewed rice and canned mackerel and as I often “date” myself… I date myself tonight, all alone, remembering you guys.

Tonight I toast myself to being twenty four and in Paris, the romantic city, the loveliest of them and I find in it people who are willing to give themselves a chance of making it better and better each time. Sometimes there are people who give up to circumstances and then there are some who keep trying. No prizes for guessing which one I will be. I had fight like a Capricorn always does. In the prime of my life, I had fight like the one who loves to fight and live for the day.

No one knows where it all will end but when it will, I will stand true to myself and proud of the chances I took and the roads I traveled. For sure, there has never been anyone like me and never will be.

Signing off from the beautiful city of Paris, the one they extol no end.

love and lies

2006-09-27T11:36:00.000-07:00

You will have to forgive me. And forget me.

She looked as if she had seen a ghost.

But I love you.

So what? It wouldn't work.

It will. Just give it a chance. It will. It will.

No, it wouldn't.

But I love you. I love you. I love you.

Her voice reverberated hollow in her ears. She might as well have been talking to the empty walls. For suddenly, for some unfathomable reason he was cruelty personified. Sometimes love isn't good enough. Sometimes truth isn't good enough. Sometimes, nothing is good enough. She helplessly saw him go away.

Years later.......

Hey, who'd have thought we'd meet again this way. She tried to feign cheerfulness and normalcy. She tried to act unperturbed. She wished inwardly her heart would flutter a little less.

Yeah, it is. Errr..... you think we could.....

She almost cut him midway. Hey, great news at my end. I found someone after we split. He loves me like crazy. And I am so happy to have him.

Silence.

You never really let me complete. You think we could start from where we left again?

He spoke as if he had never heard her.

Uh, no. I love him. I love him. I love him.

You can't. You always loved me. Me. Me. For all those wasted years, how could you be so stupid? Why did you let me go away??

Why did you have to go away?

I don't know. But I want to be back.

Why? I love him. I love him. I love him.

You love me. And this both of us know.

But I still love him, she faintly whispered one last time.

You shall love no one. You love me. He screamed. Suddenly he was conviction personified.

She smiled a sad smile. There was a time she screamed and shouted the truth and nothing happened. And after all these years, just a lie, a lie whispered softly had worked wonders.

You see, sometimes love isn't good enough. Lies are.

Targetting Paris

2006-09-27T10:45:00.000-07:00

How is life...
I ask myself...
I ask myself all the time and I wonder...
I still make sense sometimes...
But rightnow it's all about making it good and in shape..

Someday when the ship would come home...
I had start again... and makes some music...

Complusions and Pains and Mediocrity...

I am running

For the love of god...

2006-09-04T23:43:00.000-07:00

It was a great idea. Economterics class.
The concept was to determine the uncertainty of a model... any model... and identify its "goodness"...
It dawned upon me to use Heisenberg's Uncertainty principle to determine the uncertainty in Black-Scholes model...
I sounded the idea to Abhishek and we both spent hours on it..
just before exams... a chance to meet the glory... of being remembered for the right reasons... making our lives worthwhile... Fuck exams...
And after six hours of mind numbing... we came up to the solution and alas...
It was a derivation of Gauss's Classical Linear Regression Model...
How I cringed... I cried... after a long time for a long time...
I was certain I had messed up my moment of truth... the faith was gone...
Such moments are rare and they define all the burden of mediocrity that we carry..

Darkness and Numbness prevailed... I should have been born before Gauss...
Anyhow I came up with a new incremental thing on Black-Scholes and that makes me happy... I have been having a number of ideas and I feel that this is the time in my life when I can contribute.. when I can make a difference and it has taken hold of me like never before.. the madness has prevailed... and Sahi is there to take me to destination...

We will do it.. we might end up as nobodies but the satisfaction of knowing that I am working towards it.. provides me with sleepless nights and peaceful sleep when i can sleep...

So here it goes...
I wish you all the luck Jhai...
It might not end as wonderful as I want to... But it will someday and I will fight...

Rationality oozed...

2006-08-23T09:05:00.000-07:00

We were opposites. Our personalities – poles apart. Don’t tell me everyone is different. We were as different as different could be. Still, we befriended each other very quickly. And within a month, we became confidantes. An attraction developed. I’m not sure if it came from within or it was just natural. Nevertheless, the attraction prevailed and soon we talked. And, we proceeded to fall head over heels in love or was it pretension?

The image that I projected was not untrue. The truth was simply edited. I didn’t want to wash my dirty linen in public. Wasn’t it the politically correct thing to do?

I always talked about the good times.
What I never talked about were the painful times. I didn’t discuss it with my friends and kept it inside me.

I always given her credit for being supportive.
What I never talked about were the times that she was extremely judgemental. I always justified it and tried to change myself.

I always talked about how she understood me.
What I never talked about was how I explained myself to her repeatedly. I explained every thought, every action and every harmless whim of mine until she showed an iota of understanding.

I always talked about how good a person she was.
What I never talked about was how she indicated that I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t blame her. We were just brought up in different ways with different expectations.

When we went through rough times, I just told myself - “Of course we’ll work it out. After all – it’s US!”

We didn’t talk about our expectations from each other. We didn’t discuss our insecurities. And we always behaved politically correct – even with each other. That’s how we worked it out. I guess it was too early to discuss our expectations. I guess I always hoped the insecurities to fade away. As for being politically correct – I always thought that was the “right” thing to do.

"No relationship is perfect", I always told myself. "There's always a great deal of compromise."

I wasn’t strong enough to face the cold, hard facts. I couldn’t face being alone. I had grown accustomed to her. I was afraid that the ‘break-up’ would mean that I’d also lose the friend I had found in her. Even though all the odds were against us, I stuck on.

It wasn’t the distance that made us grow apart. That’s an easy excuse. We grew apart because we were different.

There were times that we just had to speak our minds shamelessly. At times I just needed to vent and wished that someone would “get me” without my paraphrasing every detail. The emails started growing shorter and slowly waned. At times I edited ‘cuz I was afraid she’d judge me. At times, I felt she wouldn’t care for the things I’d write so passionately about.

I justified and euphemized. It was just a phase. We were going to be together again very soon. We’d work out all our differences then.

I always talked about how we attracted as opposites. What I never talked about was how her respect for my differences started to dwindle.

But, when it was time to make concrete decisions, everything exploded. All the years of holding back finally ruptured. Expectations and assumptions were voiced. The blame – passed back and forth. We talked around in circles. I remember it as the single most agonizing and depressing time of my life. We decided that it couldn’t go on anymore.

It had been plain foolish to assume that we’d overcome every obstacle.

“Didn’t you think of these issues before?” I asked. There were times we did. But, neither of us could get ourselves to say the words.

I wish I had – I’d have saved myself a lot of pain. But, in a way I’m also glad I didn’t – I’d have missed out on a lot of happy times.

When that relationship was officially over – I felt sad and lost. My heart wrenched in pain. But, I finally felt like I could be myself again. I felt a sense of freedom, a sense of relief. I know it doesn’t sound very polite. But, I have found the strength to not be politically correct about it anymore.

Its okay not to be politically correct...

Your vengeance shall be mine

2006-08-22T11:39:00.000-07:00

I read these lines today on someone's blog.
Instead I had like to say that I like vengeance. The people I thought were kids are taking decisions to settle... and I stand alone letting people go.
I draw up some courage once in a while to say what I want to. Courage is not what I lack. Courage no.. not courage. It is an absolute disaster when I try to take some efforts towards making up for lost relationships. I wonder if letting go all those people was worth being alone... or in solitude as i prefer to call it and concentrate on betas and cointegration and commodity futures. Does that make my life or do they?
I am working hard no doubt, on the wrong things.. but I am making a mark. Four papers in a semester with a killer load and still the will to continue. That shows how much hunger I have and the load of ideas that need to be implemented. Hunger for work, recognition and desires.
I have been reading about all kinds of things. All things which make sense and no sense at all. For example, last night I was reading about life and times of porn queens. Not porn!!! i was wondering what drove them to the art they pursue... is it just money. Same way as I want my intellect to outshine others... same way they are trying with their bodies and acting... who says porn does not need acting.
But then that is much much more natural... I don't know how natural it would be for them in front of the camera.
I am ecstatic about the courses at ESSEC... I love them.. I had write at length about them sometime.
There is a lot of things that I need to say.. and I have been saying that for quite some time... i hate it when someone sends me a message about their near dear ones nearby and thus unable to call me. Am I, for when they are not around.

In the rustling of the leaves,
In the white light of the moon,
I dream of a snow white mountain,
and words and words are all i see,
Should I wrap you in my verses,
and let you go... forever...

QAFFINESS

2006-08-18T14:47:00.000-07:00

An end term in the middle of the term...
Nothing like that to make for a decent piece of writing...

Have finished the paper on commodities...
The CBM will turn out to be big.. provided We have sufficient time and it does not seem like it. Good work need time and space... I have none of them...

I have been talking to this guy who has potential... I have been trying to coax him to work with me. I like him for the simple reason that he has the neurons and uses less words than are required. But he is an ass. He needs to be kicked. I hope he collaborates with me. We have four "new" ideas for a 20% project which will have a presentation of 10 minutes and probably won't be given a second thought by any of the morons. But we will write it nonetheless. Because we have to give wing to our ideas. That is the reason why we exist.

Puchee. Puchee. Puchee....

Mom and Dad have shifted to Delhi. Saw them on weekend. They seem to be tired and suffering. I love them more than anything else.

Life... I will blame it for all my shortcomings...
I will blame it for disappointments and pains and laziness.

About love and life... well as you see there is not much of any in my life, primarily because they need time and space and I have none of them in plenty.
I was talking to Dadi on phone and she said.. that I should get married to a woman who understands and respects the feelings I have for my work and my issues.
I definitely need that and on top of that... I need a woman who would keep regrets out of the relationships. What is a few broken promises to spice up a relationship?

Someday I will make a decision and then the time will come. Till then I lie in my bed alone and wondering of all the random possibilites that can happen. Till then it's bonds, cointegration, rolling CAPM, volatility, Price level targeting and things they laugh at. Someday I had get tired of all this and run till I had get tired of that too.

Nana... i remember you on all times I need you. I am selfish but I promise to be righteous till I cannot resist.

Ending with a verse... randomness...

They say we come with a promise,
To fulfil and make good of,
And we run all we can,
turning reality of hollow dreams.

Its all in the end...

2006-08-17T04:58:00.002-07:00

Lots of things to write...
I have not had an occasion to write them...
But I have had a great chance to live them out.
Time to change things.. set them right.. and make it home...
Also make me happy.. that is what I call out for...

Happy, Dead Memories

2006-07-25T17:20:00.000-07:00

An inspiring post.

A clean, pointed riposte... I liked the ruthlessness in the post.
I liked what I saw. I liked what I felt.
Yes, there was guilt. That's the first thing I felt.
Then there was sorrow of letting you go.
Then there was anger, of being an imbecile, ignoble man of zilch conscience.
Then there was a feeling of futiliy.
Then I felt a bit happy. I dream of you pursuing your dreams, successfully and happily.

As I say, it was a clean post. It was clean for the precise reason that no one, including you know what I went through all these days.
I know I am human, a plain normal human. I know of desires, pain and all those emotions that occupy any human. But I choose not to blame, anyone including myself for any specific reason. Maybe I should, mebbe not.

It was clean because it was yours and not ours. The reason why getting out of a relationship is painful is because getting into it is a two way experience, however getting out of it is always one way. And it has to be that way.

Only I know how many times, I have just let the phone in my hand and let it remain there. No I am not going to go through the pain of recounting all that I been through. I am not letting it out that easy.

Sometimes I wonder what the basis of a mutual realtionship is. The times we spent talking, the moments we shared. Was that all to it? There was more to it. The longing, the wait, the knowledge of bliss and pain. There was more to it that just words. But there were two sides to it.

Here all alone in my dark corner, I sat working harder than ever before, with little results to show. All alone and your memories. Maybe for me, they won't die so soon. I will save all the letters and the photos and the mails. I want them for they were meant to be mine and are mine and will remain mine. I own them. I am not letting go. I have let go of you, that does not mean I do not have feelings for you. It can be exactly opposite of that.

Just like parents have to let go of their children so that they can spread their wings and soar, the way birds let go or for that matter any living being, does not mean they don't love them. They do and they do. But they want them to be better than ever before. They want them to attain heights never reached before and they glow.

I wonder where will I be, when you have all those moments. But somewhere inside I know, that some part of me that has rubbed on you, for better or for worse will make you stronger, meaner, wiser, better in some way or another. And I had find my satisfaction in that. I do not deserve a lot in life but you surely do.

I have done that again and again. I have done that to people again and again. And have always been slapped back hard. And now they are gone. Some are happy and some are fighting it out. I am happy in knwoing their happiness. I am happy for them. I guess this is the way I live. This is my survival strategy.

I think I’d always think of you and smile. But I am wrong. Maybe, thou shall only live as memories. Happy, but dead memories.

For sometime in order to move forward, we need to put the past behind us. And by accepting the things, We have finally put the past behind us.

Looking forward to a whole new beginning in your life… I just know you need luck and you have all of it.

Wish you Godspeed...

Happy Planet Index-Have they heard of a species called Indian MBA Student

2006-07-14T19:04:00.000-07:00

Happy Planet Index

Your personal Happy Planet Index (HPI) is 32.2, which is similar to that of Ethiopia. Sorry to say that this is below the world average of 46. For those living in the UK, you’ll also be disappointed to hear your score is below the national average. Your score is below that of your country, 48.7.

Below is a breakdown of the various components that make up your HPI score.
You:
32.2
Average:
42.4
[Average is of all online responses to this survey - not the average for your country]

Life Expectancy

Congratulations. Your life expectancy is above average for your gender and country. Whether it's eating well, not smoking, getting regular exercise, or just being lucky enough to have the right genes, you're doing something right. However, nobody's perfect and we could all improve our health a little! Aside from getting all the above bits of your lifestyle right, there are some more surprising factors that can influence your life expect - for example, giving up your car, avoiding living alone, moving out of the city or shrugging off stress.
You:
64.8
Average:
79.4
[Average is of all online responses to this survey - not the average for your country]

Ecological Footprint

Your ecological footprint is 1.37 global hectares, or 0.76 planets. This is equivalent to the average in countries such as Cuba, Honduras or Tunisia.

Your ecological footprint is greater than the average for the country you live in. If you live in a country with large economic inequalities, do note that this might be the case even if you are environmentally aware and trying to reduce your footprint, as others in your country might be living in very different circumstances. For example, Brazil's mean footprint of 2.2 g ha does not distinguish between the very low consumption lives of tribes in the Amazon, and those of people living Western-style lives in the big cities, whose personal footprints will inevitably be much higher.

Congratulations. You are achieving 'one-planet living'. If everyone in the world lived like you, there would be enough resources for the entire human species, if not for other species. If you are living in an industrialised country, be aware that this is no mean feat. Given the infrastructure and society you live in, it is very hard to reduce one's footprint, even when making a big effort. No doubt you take environmental issues very seriously - avoiding motorised transportation, minimising meat in your diet and conserving and recycling where possible.
You:
1.37
Average:
5.24
[Average is of all online responses to this survey - not the average for your country]

Life Satisfaction

You reported a life satisfaction of 4. Sorry that things aren't working out. At a national level, your score matches the mean for Belarus - where half the population is as sad or sadder. Worldwide, one fifth of respondents in the World Values Survey reported a life satisfaction of 4 or lower, whilst 7.8% of British respondents did.
You:
4
Average:
6.71
[Average is of all online responses to this survey - not the average for your country]

Well-being

The new economics foundation (nef) recognises that there's more to life than feeling good, which is why our model for well-being is based on four domains – personal feelings, personal functionings, social feelings and social functionings. 'Feelings' refers to your attitude to the way you, your future and society are. 'Functionings' looks at whether you have the opportunities to do the things that bring you well-being. Like with life satisfaction, a score of 5 is theoretically the middle score, but, given the way most people respond to surveys, is below average.
Personal Feelings

In this online questionnaire, personal feelings are assessed with two questions – one testing your optimism and one testing your self-esteem.

You are optimistic about the future and probably also about yourself.
You:
6.08
Average:
6.03
[Average is of all online responses to this survey - not the average for your country]

Personal Functionings

In this online questionnaire personal functionings are assessed with five questions – two evaluating your subjective opinion on your health and how activity you are, the other three testing you for feelings of autonomy, purpose and worth.

In some ways you are unable to function in the way you would like. Perhaps you have had problems with your health, are feeling unable to make your own decisions, or do not have the opportunity to get involved in activities that give you a sense of purpose and ability. Some slight changes in lifestyle would help.
You:
5.13
Average:
6.13
[Average is of all online responses to this survey - not the average for your country]

Social Feelings

In this online questionnaire social feelings are assessed with four questions – three assessing your opinion of your community, whilst the last looks at personal relationships.

You are unsatisfied with, or perhaps indifferent to, the community within which you live. Sense of community is an important aspect of well-being. It is often lacking simply because there is little engagement taking place, as people lead atomised lives.

Another reason for this score, may simply be that you are currently unsatisfied by your personal relationships.
You:
4.55
Average:
5.66
[Average is of all online responses to this survey - not the average for your country]

Social Functionings

In this online questionnaire social functionings are assessed with four questions – two assessing your job / studies, one your free time, and one your community participation. If you did not respond to the work / study questions, your score is judged purely on the other two aspects.

You are satisfied with your job / course - it is interesting, and only occasionally stressful. Further it normally leaves you enough time to do the things you want to do.
You:
5.83
Average:
5.56
[Average is of all online responses to this survey - not the average for your country]

Hmmph....

2006-07-10T02:51:00.000-07:00

Behind every poem there are
unspent lives,
unwanted men.

CC makes me a madman... does it not?

Stupidity reigns...

2006-07-09T15:28:00.000-07:00

A moment wasted never comes back... sometimes it haunts you forever...

I ask why... why should I be doing what I decided not to... infact life goes on forever asking more from you...
I am missing mayank as my study partner.. I have no one to study with...
I am missing the questioning gaze.. my face writh with regret...
I am missing a brother... I am missing the joy of continuous study...
I am missing the continuity of ideas... and their rejection by sound logic...
I am missing a lot of things I like... most of all.. the sounding board that he used to be... and the contempt with which he treated my ideas... and his sparse praise...I miss that as well.. he kept me on the path I wanted to tread.. never letting me move away...
I need to find someone who can keep me on my toes.. I need more than a brother.. a friend.. someone I can respect, fear, admire and love...

A sunday wasted... Sometimes Sahi comes close but then sometimes he does not.. he has life other than this.. and He is right in that...
Rest are not the kind I had like...
Send me someone... for I want to tread the path which is difficult and wrought with difficulties... I had like to... I am asking for it...

The carbon credits paper submitted with little to ask from the third author... a disappointment... indeed...
The commodities paper needs some inspiration... mebbe Rudra will provide the spark...
The capital structure needs infusion of something better...
The ppts on Investment Banking are coming out right... but they need more of me...
The studies are rotten... I am not able to keep focus...
Maybe I need to change my schedule... I need to work days now...
I need to set some golden rules... I need some rules in life...

Anywayz life goes on... and I am missing too many people...
Nana.. I will come to see you... I promise and I promise not to cry...
I have broken too many promises... But I still continue to live on...
Mebbe I should live on...

Burn Out

2006-07-03T13:53:00.000-07:00

An imminent thing...
I missed classes.. slept like a log.. lazed around like a dog...
and now I hate myself for all that...
got a lot of work to do.. before I die...
and I am not sitting on my ample butt waiting for it...